Parenting is a lifelong journey, for sure, but once your kids become adults, the dynamics of your relationship with them will naturally shift.
It’s not always easy to adjust your behaviours and expectations, especially when you’re used to taking care of them. However, recognising when to step back is a must if you want to keep your relationship with them healthy and allow them to develop their own independence.
1. You don’t need to solve all their problems anymore.
Source: Pexels Remember when your child came to you with every scraped knee and hurt feeling? Those days are gone. Your adult children need to develop their own problem-solving skills. Instead of jumping in with solutions, try asking, “What do you think you should do?” This approach encourages them to think critically and build confidence in their decision-making abilities.
2. Stop showing up unannounced at their home.
Your adult child’s home is their sanctuary, just like yours is to you. Popping in unexpectedly can feel intrusive, even if you have the best intentions. Always call or text before visiting. This simple courtesy shows respect for their space and time, which goes a long way in maintaining a positive relationship.
3. Refrain from offering unsolicited advice about their career.
The job market has changed dramatically since you were starting out. Your adult children are navigating a world of work that looks very different from what you experienced. Unless they specifically ask for your input, trust that they’re capable of making their own career decisions. Your role is to be supportive, not to steer their professional life.
4. Don’t criticise their parenting choices.
If your adult children have kids of their own, it’s natural to want to share your parenting wisdom. However, constant critiques of their parenting style can create tension. Remember, parenting norms have evolved, and what worked for you might not be the approach they choose. Offer advice only when asked, and focus on being a supportive grandparent instead.
5. Stop doing their laundry or cleaning their living space.
It might be tempting to tidy up when you visit or offer to do a load of washing, but resist the urge. Your adult children need to manage their own household tasks. By stepping back, you’re reinforcing their independence and adulting skills. If they need help, trust that they’ll ask for it.
6. Avoid prying into their love life.
Your adult child’s romantic relationships are their own business. Constant questions about when they’ll settle down or why they broke up with someone can be overwhelming. Instead, let them share what they’re comfortable with. Your role is to listen without judgment, not to play matchmaker or relationship counsellor.
7. Don’t compare them to their siblings or other people.
Comparisons rarely motivate and often breed resentment. Each of your children is on their own unique path. Avoid statements like, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Your cousin already owns a house.” These comparisons can damage self-esteem and strain your relationship. Celebrate each child’s individual journey and accomplishments.
8. Stop trying to manage their finances.
Financial independence is a crucial part of adulthood. While you might have opinions on how your adult child spends or saves their money, it’s important to step back. Unless they’re asking for your advice or help, trust that they’re learning to manage their own finances. Making mistakes is part of the learning process.
9. Avoid dictating how they should spend their free time.
Your adult children’s hobbies and interests might differ from what you envisioned for them. Whether they’re into gaming, extreme sports, or binge-watching TV shows, it’s their choice how to spend their leisure time. Instead of critiquing their pastimes, show interest in learning about what they enjoy.
10. Don’t push your religious or political views on them.
Source: Unsplash As adults, your children have the right to form their own beliefs and opinions. If their views differ from yours, respect their autonomy. Heated debates about religion or politics can strain your relationship. Focus on the values you share rather than the beliefs that divide you.
11. Stop trying to be their best friend.
While it’s wonderful to have a close relationship with your adult children, remember that you’re their parent first. They likely have their own circle of friends and don’t need you to fill that role. Maintain healthy boundaries and resist the urge to overshare or insert yourself into every aspect of their social life.
12. Avoid making decisions for them about their health.
Your adult children are capable of managing their own healthcare. Resist the urge to book appointments for them or insist on certain treatments. If they want your input, they’ll ask. Your role is to be supportive of their choices, not to control their medical decisions.
13. Don’t guilt-trip them about not visiting or calling enough.
Adult life is busy, and your children might not have as much time for family interactions as you’d like. Instead of making them feel guilty, focus on making the time you do spend together meaningful. Quality is more important than quantity when it comes to maintaining strong family bonds.
14. Stop trying to plan their holidays or dictate how they use their leave.
Your idea of a perfect holiday might not align with theirs. Avoid pressuring them to join family trips or questioning their travel choices. Respect their need to create their own experiences and memories, even if that means less time spent on family holidays.
15. Don’t comment on their appearance unless asked.
Whether it’s about weight, clothing choices, or hairstyles, unsolicited comments about your adult child’s appearance can be hurtful. They’re old enough to make their own choices about how they look. Unless they’re specifically asking for your opinion, keep those thoughts to yourself.
16. Stop trying to fix their friendships or relationships.
Your adult children are capable of managing their own social circles. Avoid offering unsolicited advice about their friendships or trying to mediate conflicts. Trust that they can navigate their relationships independently, and be there to listen if they need support.
