While most people prefer feeling empowered and in control of their lives, others are obsessed with playing the victim.
Nothing that goes wrong in their own life is ever their fault; instead, other people or outside circumstances are clearly conspiring against them to keep them from being happy and successful, right? Wrong. They just love playing the martyr, which is why you’ll hear these things come out of their mouths regularly. Try not to roll your eyes while reading!
1. “No one understands how hard my life is.”
This is the classic opening line for someone who wants to win the misery Olympics. They truly believe their struggles are deeper and more complex than anyone else’s. Even if you’re going through a rough patch yourself, they’ll find a way to make their situation sound like a Victorian tragedy by comparison. It’s a way to shut down any conversation about your problems and put the spotlight firmly back on their own.
2. “I do everything around here.”
Martyrs have a very selective memory when it comes to effort. They’ll bang on about the one load of washing they did three days ago, while conveniently forgetting that you’ve cleaned the entire kitchen and sorted the bills. They like to paint a picture of themselves as the sole person keeping the household or the office from collapsing into total chaos. In reality, they’re usually doing far less than they claim, but they want the credit for being a one-person army.
3. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”
This is the ultimate bait. They say it with a trembling lip or a tone that clearly screams they are the opposite of fine. It’s a trap designed to make you stop what you’re doing and beg them to tell you what’s wrong. They’re fishing for attention while pretending to be the stoic hero who doesn’t want to be a bother. If you actually take them at their word and walk away, expect a massive row later about how “unsympathetic” you are.
4. “I guess I’ll just do it myself.”
Usually said while you’re actually in the middle of helping or right after you’ve offered to do the job. They want to play the lone wolf who can’t rely on anyone, even when help is staring them in the face. It’s a pre-emptive strike to make you feel guilty for not being psychic and knowing exactly what they wanted doing five minutes ago.
5. “I’m used to being taken for granted.”
Even if you’ve just spent the afternoon thanking them or doing them a favour, a martyr will still fall back on this one. They’ve built an identity around being an unappreciated saint. If they admitted that people actually do value them, they’d lose their status as the victim. They need to feel like they’re being ignored to keep their narrative going, so they’ll ignore any genuine appreciation you send their way.
6. “Don’t mind me, I’m just the person who…”
This is the passive-aggressive way of listing their so-called sacrifices without actually asking for a thank you. They’ll say something like, “Don’t mind me, I’m just the person who spent all morning cleaning the car,” while you’re trying to have a conversation about something else. It’s a clunky way of demanding recognition while pretending to be humble. They aren’t telling you what they’ve done to be helpful; they’re telling you so you’ll feel bad for not noticing sooner.
7. “I never get any time for myself.”
They wear their busyness like a badge of honour. Even if they’ve spent three hours scrolling on their phone or watching telly, they’ll insist they haven’t had a second to breathe because they’re always doing things for other people, or so they claim. They view any personal time as a luxury they’ve been forced to give up, even if they’re actually the ones choosing to ignore their own needs so they can complain about it later.
8. “I’m always the one who has to…”
Whether it’s making the plans, sorting the dinner, or dealing with the difficult phone calls, the martyr believes they’re the only one with any initiative. They’ll focus on the two things they did this week and completely blank out the ten things you handled. It’s a way to make themselves feel essential while making you feel like a bit of a passenger in the relationship.
9. “No one ever asks how I’m doing.”
The irony here is usually through the roof because they often say this right after you’ve asked them exactly that. They’re so committed to the idea of being neglected that they can’t actually hear when someone shows genuine concern. It doesn’t fit the script they’ve written where they’re the lonely hero, so they just block out any kindness and keep on insisting that nobody cares about their well-being.
10. “I’d do anything for you, but you wouldn’t do the same for me.”
Martyrs are world-class scorekeepers, but they’re using a rigged deck. They love to talk about their own bottomless loyalty while making you feel like a fair-weather friend. What’s particularly annoying is that they often haven’t actually done anything extraordinary for you lately; they just like the idea of being the more devoted person in the relationship. It’s a way to keep you in a state of permanent debt.
11. “I’m just trying to help, but no one appreciates it.”
You’ll hear this when they’ve barged in and tried to take over a task you were handling perfectly well on your own. When you tell them you’ve got it under control, they take it as a personal insult. They use their unasked-for help as a weapon to make you feel like an ingrate. It turns a simple “I’m fine, thanks” into a moral failure on your part for not bowing down to their self-appointed service.
12. “I can’t remember the last time someone did something nice for me.”
This is a classic bit of selective amnesia. They’ll completely blank out the dinner you cooked last night, the lift you gave them this morning, or the birthday gift you spent ages picking out. By pretending their life is a barren wasteland of kindness, they can justify feeling sorry for themselves. It’s a slap in the face to anyone who actually puts in effort for them, but for the martyr, the feeling of being hard done by is more important than the truth.
13. “I’m always the one who has to compromise.”
In their head, they’re a constant sacrificial lamb, always giving up what they want to please everyone else. They see every tiny adjustment they make as a massive burden. In reality, they often use this “sacrificial” attitude to manipulate people into getting their own way. If they concede on where to go for lunch, they’ll make sure you hear about it for the next three weeks to ensure they get to pick the next five locations.
14. “I suppose I’ll just cancel my plans… again.”
This is usually delivered with a heavy dose of theatre, often when nobody has even suggested they should stay in. They’re creating a scenario where they are the selfless hero, giving up their own fun for the sake of the family or the job. They want you to tell them no, don’t be silly, you go ahead, so they can feel like they offered. If you don’t stop them, they’ll cancel anyway and then mope about it for the rest of the evening.
15. “Why does everything always happen to me?”
Martyrs see themselves as the universe’s favourite target. If it rains on their day off, it isn’t just weather; it’s a personal attack from the clouds. They struggle to see that life is just a bit chaotic for everyone. Instead, they frame every minor inconvenience as part of a grand plan to keep them down. It’s a very self-centred way to live, as it assumes the entire cosmos is bothered enough about them to coordinate a streak of bad luck.
16. “I’m fine with whatever you want.”
This is the phrase that launched a thousand rows. It’s never actually a green light; it’s a trap. They say it with a tone that suggests they’re being incredibly put-upon by your choice. It’s a passive-aggressive move designed to make you feel guilty for having a preference. That way, if things don’t go perfectly, they can remind you later that they only went along with it because you insisted.
