If you’ve ever felt dismissed or brushed off by someone when expressing your feelings, you know how terrible it feels.
It’s really important to validate people’s emotions, even if you don’t truly understand or agree with them. Doing so isn’t particularly difficult or complicated — all you have to do is these things.
1. Listen actively without interrupting.
Give the person your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting or finishing their sentences. Show that you’re listening through your body language, such as maintaining eye contact and nodding. Focused attention helps the person feel heard and respected.
2. Use verbal acknowledgments to show you’re listening.
Employ brief verbal cues like “I see,” “Mm-hmm,” or “Go on” to indicate that you’re engaged in the conversation. These small acknowledgments encourage the person to continue sharing and feel that their words are being received. They also help maintain the flow of conversation without taking over.
3. Reflect back what you’ve heard.
Summarise or paraphrase what the person has said to ensure you’ve understood correctly. It shows that you’re paying attention and trying to grasp their perspective. It also gives them a chance to clarify any misunderstandings. Use phrases like “So what I’m hearing is…” or “It sounds like you’re saying…”
4. Validate their emotions.
Acknowledge the person’s feelings without trying to change or minimise them. Use phrases like “It’s understandable that you feel…” or “That must be really difficult.” A bit of recognition helps the person feel that their emotional response is acceptable and normal. It creates a safe space for them to express themselves freely.
5. Avoid giving unsolicited advice.
Resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or advice unless specifically asked. Often, people share their experiences to be heard, not to receive guidance. Jumping to problem-solving can make the person feel that you’re not truly listening to their experience. Instead, focus on understanding and acknowledging their perspective.
6. Ask open-ended questions.
Use questions that encourage the person to elaborate on their experience. Open-ended questions like “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think led to that?” show genuine interest in their perspective. These questions can help the person explore their experience more deeply and feel that you’re invested in understanding them.
7. Normalise their experience.
Let the person know that their reactions or feelings are common or understandable given the situation. You might say, “Many people would feel the same way in that situation.” It helps reduce any shame or isolation they might be feeling. However, be cautious not to minimise their unique experience in the process.
8. Use empathetic statements.
Express empathy by imagining how you might feel in their situation. Use phrases like “I can imagine how challenging that must be” or “That sounds really frustrating.” These statements show that you’re trying to understand their emotional state. They help create a connection and make the person feel less alone in their experience.
9. Avoid comparing experiences.
Refrain from sharing similar experiences of your own unless it’s clearly relevant and helpful. The focus should remain on the person sharing their story. If you do share a related experience, quickly bring the conversation back to them. Remember, validation is about acknowledging their unique experience, not finding similarities to your own.
10. Respect their perspective, even if you disagree.
Validate the person’s feelings and experiences, even if you have a different viewpoint. You don’t have to agree with their interpretation to acknowledge that their feelings are real and valid to them. This approach shows respect for their perspective and maintains a non-judgmental atmosphere.
11. Use non-verbal cues to show engagement.
Employ appropriate facial expressions and body language to show you’re engaged and empathetic. Lean in slightly, maintain an open posture, and match your expressions to the tone of the conversation. These non-verbal cues can be powerful in conveying your attentiveness and understanding.
12. Allow for silences.
Be comfortable with moments of silence in the conversation. These pauses give the person time to process their thoughts and feelings. Resist the urge to fill every quiet moment with words. Sometimes, a respectful silence can be more validating than any verbal response.
13. Express gratitude for their openness.
Thank the person for sharing their experience with you. Acknowledge the courage it often takes to open up about personal things. It’s an expression of gratitude that reinforces the value you place on their trust and openness. It can encourage further sharing and deepen your connection.
