When we think of gaslighting, it’s often in reference to romantic relationships.
However, this manipulative behaviour doesn’t just happen between partners. Gaslighting can sneak into parent-child relationships too, even when the child is grown up. If you’re doing any of these things, you may be guilty of this toxic practice and need to change your ways.
1. You brush off their feelings and experiences.
When they open up about their emotions or shares what’s happened to them, you tend to shrug it off. You might say they’re being too sensitive, or that things weren’t so bad. This kind of response makes them feel like their feelings don’t matter and can make them doubt themselves.
2. You claim your memory of events is the only right one.
When you disagree about things that happened in the past, you insist that only your version is correct. You won’t consider that your child might remember things accurately, even if they have proof. This can make them unsure about their own memories and judgement.
3. You always pin family problems on them.
Whenever there’s trouble in the family, you point the finger at your child. You might say they’re causing arguments or creating tension, even when the issues are complicated and involve everyone. Shifting blame in this way can leave them feeling guilty and doubtful.
4. You pull rank as a parent to stop discussions.
When your child tries to talk about worries or disagreements, you shut it down with phrases like “Because I’m your parent” or “I know best”. Using your parent status this way stops open talks and keeps an unhealthy balance of power.
5. You keep information to yourself or lie to stay in charge.
You purposely don’t tell them important things or give them false information to control situations. It might be about family events, money matters, or health issues. Either way, dishonesty breaks trust and can leave your child feeling lost and left out.
6. You’re always criticising their choices.
You often show disapproval of their job, relationships, or how they live. Instead of giving helpful advice when asked, you put down their decisions and hint that they can’t make good choices without you. It eats away at their confidence and independence.
7. You make them feel bad compared to other people.
You often talk about how they don’t measure up to their siblings, friends, or even strangers. You use these comparisons to make them feel not good enough or to push them to do what you want, which hurts their self-esteem.
8. You downplay their successes.
When your adult child shares something they’re proud of, you make it seem less important or find something to criticise. You might say that anyone could do it or immediately point out what they could do better. It can leave them feeling unappreciated and discouraged.
9. You use guilt to get your adult child to do what you want.
You often say things to make your adult child feel guilty so they’ll do what you want. You might use phrases like “After all I’ve done for you” or “If you really loved me, you would…” to pressure them, without caring about what they need or want.
10. You never admit when you’re wrong or say sorry.
When they point out something hurtful you’ve done or said, you refuse to admit you made a mistake or give a real apology. Instead, you might make excuses or try to blame them. It stops any chance of fixing problems in your relationship.
11. You don’t respect their privacy or personal space.
You look through their things, demand to see their private accounts, or share their personal information without asking. If they complain, you say it’s because you care, ignoring that they have a right to their own space and privacy as an adult.
12. You try to damage their other relationships.
You actively work to harm their relationships with their partner, friends, or other family members. You might spread negative talk, create arguments, or try to keep them away from other people. You do this to keep control over them by weakening their support system.
13. You make light of their mental health worries.
If they say they’re worried about their mental health, you brush it off or make it seem unimportant. You might accuse them of making a big deal out of nothing or seeking attention, instead of being supportive. It can stop them from getting help when they need it.
14. You use money to control them.
If you give your adult child financial help, you use it to control what they do or the choices they make. You might threaten to stop helping if they don’t do what you want, creating an unfair power balance and keeping them dependent on you instead of encouraging them to be financially independent.
15. You change family stories to fit what you want people to think.
You often change or deny things that happened in the family to keep up a certain image or story. You might make bad things seem less serious or good things seem better than they were. When your child questions these changes, you insist their memories are wrong, making them doubt what they remember and experienced.
