Narcissists are used to controlling everything and everyone, so when they’re not calling the shots, they don’t react well.
Despite supposedly being grown adults, they’re not above throwing tantrums and having total meltdowns when things don’t go their way. However, that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. When a narcissist starts throwing a fit, here’s how to deal with it without losing your cool.
1. Recognise that it’s not about you.
Source: Unsplash When a narcissist starts throwing a tantrum, remember that their behaviour isn’t really directed at you. Narcissistic outbursts often come from a need to protect their ego, and their reaction may say more about their insecurities than about anything you did. Take a mental step back, detach yourself, and remind yourself that this isn’t personal.
2. Keep your own emotions in check.
It’s easy to get sucked into the whirlwind of emotions a narcissist is throwing at you, but don’t let their mood dictate yours. Stay calm, breathe deeply, and give yourself a moment to respond instead of reacting. Staying neutral will help you keep control of the conversation and avoid escalating the situation.
3. Avoid feeding their need for attention.
Narcissists crave attention, and their tantrums are often a way of getting it. Resist the temptation to give them the reaction they want. Try responding in a neutral, non-dramatic way that doesn’t reinforce their behaviour. This will communicate that their outbursts aren’t an effective way of getting what they want from you.
4. Set clear boundaries—and stick to them.
When dealing with a narcissist, boundaries are your best friend. Decide ahead of time what kind of behaviour you’re willing to accept and calmly enforce those boundaries when necessary. Let them know that certain behaviours, like yelling or name-calling, won’t be tolerated. Be firm, but avoid being confrontational.
5. Don’t engage in power struggles.
Narcissists love control and will try to draw you into battles they think they can win. Don’t take the bait. Instead of getting drawn into an argument, take a step back and keep your responses short and to the point. Letting them “win” small points can defuse their need to prove themselves without sacrificing your own self-respect.
6. Use humour to lighten the mood.
A little humour can go a long way when things are tense. A well-placed joke (nothing mean-spirited) or a lighthearted comment might help defuse the situation. Just make sure your humour is neutral and doesn’t come across as mocking. It’s about creating a break in the tension, not belittling them.
7. Be a gray rock when necessary.
When humour doesn’t work, try “going gray rock”—remaining as uninteresting and non-reactive as possible. If a narcissist senses that they aren’t getting the emotional reaction they crave, they might lose interest in arguing. Keep your tone and body language neutral, and give them as little fuel as possible to fan the flames of their tantrum.
8. Avoid trying to change them.
One of the hardest parts of dealing with a narcissist is realising that you can’t change them. Trying to convince them to see things from your perspective or to behave differently is often a waste of energy. Accepting this can make it easier to approach the situation with less frustration and disappointment.
9. Reframe the situation as a learning experience.
It may sound odd, but viewing each encounter as a chance to practice patience and boundary-setting can help make these interactions feel less exhausting. Use their tantrums as a personal exercise in resilience and self-discipline. This approach may give you a sense of accomplishment, even when the situation itself doesn’t improve.
10. Be careful with compliments.
Narcissists thrive on praise, but be cautious about overdoing it when they’re in a tantrum mode. Flattering them might calm them temporarily, but it can also encourage more outbursts if they think it will get them validation. Instead, keep your responses neutral, and don’t feel obligated to feed their ego.
11. If necessary, walk away.
Sometimes the best way to handle a narcissist’s tantrum is to give yourself a break. Politely excuse yourself and step away from the conversation if it becomes too intense. This isn’t about avoiding conflict, but about preserving your own energy and well-being. A bit of distance can help you both cool down.
12. Stay mindful of your own needs.
Dealing with someone’s outbursts can be draining, so make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t let their behaviour take priority over your own emotional health. Check in with yourself regularly, and don’t hesitate to take time alone or spend time with supportive friends to recharge.
13. Know when to reach out for support.
If you find yourself regularly dealing with a narcissist’s tantrums, remember that you don’t have to go it alone. Talking with friends, family, or a therapist can provide perspective and support. You deserve a support system that validates your feelings and helps you stay grounded.
14. Consider the bigger picture.
Sometimes it helps to take a step back and consider whether the relationship with the narcissist is sustainable in the long term. If their behaviour is affecting your mental health, it might be time to rethink your involvement. Prioritising your own well-being can be the healthiest choice, even if it’s a difficult one.
