You’ve done the best you possibly could for yourself and your kids, not only when they were little but even into their adult years.
However, you can’t help but feel like they don’t really think you’ve done that great of a job. In fact, if you were being honest, you get the sneaking suspicion that they look down on you in general, judging the decisions you’ve made not only as their parent, but as a human being. As sad and unfair as it is — not to mention how wrong! — here are some signs that your adult children see you as a failure.
1. They never come to you for money advice.
Back when they were small, they’d come to you with questions about saving up for toys or pocket money tips. Now, they’re talking about investments and mortgages, but it’s not you they’re asking. They remember the tough times—the bill collectors, the school trips you couldn’t afford. It’s like they’re determined not to follow in your footsteps, and their financial independence feels like a statement about what they think you lacked.
2. They’re constantly correcting every little thing you say.
“That’s not how it works anymore, Mum.” “Dad, no one does it like that these days.” Every conversation feels like a lesson, with them explaining the most basic things as if you’ve been left behind by the modern world. When you struggle with your smartphone or admit you don’t understand their work jargon, their sighs or eye rolls speak volumes. It’s not just frustration—it’s that mix of pity and impatience that makes you feel irrelevant.
3. The stories they tell at family gatherings don’t paint you in the best light.
At family gatherings, the memories they share seem carefully chosen—and not in your favour. The camping trip where everything went wrong, the birthday you missed because of work, the time they had to make do with less stick in their minds. While you see those moments as times you tried your best despite challenges, they seem to have decided those were your failures. The good moments? They don’t seem to get much airtime.
4. Their parenting style is the polar opposite of yours.
When they talk about raising their own kids, it feels like every choice they make is a rejection of how you did things. Whether it’s sending their children to private school because they didn’t think their education was good enough, or buying organic everything to avoid the frozen dinners you relied on, it’s hard not to notice the pointed contrasts. It’s like they’re building their parenting philosophy around what they believe you got wrong.
5. They keep their family life at arm’s length.
You’re always pencilled into their schedules, never a spontaneous part of their day. Grandkids’ visits are tightly managed, and your calls often go unanswered for days. Then you see photos on social media of family moments you weren’t invited to. It’s not outright exclusion, but it feels like they’re carefully limiting your access, as if letting you in too much might upset the balance they’ve built.
6. They never want to share career news with you.
Promotions, new jobs, exciting achievements—you don’t hear about them first-hand anymore. Instead, you find out through relatives or a stray mention online. When you do congratulate them, there’s often a polite but distant “thanks,” as if your pride in them isn’t something they value. It’s hard not to feel like your own work struggles have shaped how they see you—as someone who wouldn’t really understand their success.
7. They don’t ask for — or listen to — your advice.
You offer suggestions, only to be met with a polite smile and a quick “We’ll think about it.” But deep down, you know they won’t. They once turned to you for guidance, but now it feels like they see your experience as a list of what not to do. Every ignored piece of advice feels like a reminder that they don’t see you as someone to look up to.
8. Your choices are met with doubt.
When you talk about starting a new project, taking up a hobby, or even moving house, their reactions are full of concern. It’s not support—it’s disbelief. Their questions aren’t about curiosity; they’re about whether you’re capable. It’s as if every decision you make now is seen through the lens of mistakes they think you’ve made in the past.
9. Old family photos feel like evidence of struggle.
What you see as cherished memories—birthdays, holidays, the little wins despite tough times—they seem to view as proof of what was missing. They comment on the clothes that were handed down, the flat that was too cramped, the absent parent working endless shifts. Instead of warmth, those pictures bring judgement, as if they’re rewriting your past with a focus on lack.
10. Holidays feel like an obligation for them.
A few rushed hours at yours compared to entire weekends with their in-laws. Long drives to their partner’s family are no problem, but a short trip to yours is met with excuses. When they do visit, it feels like they’re ticking a box, rather than genuinely wanting to spend time with you.
11. They compare you to other parents who they think did a better job.
“Sarah’s mum already paid off the grandkids’ university fees.” “Mike’s dad retired at 50 and bought a villa in Spain.” Each offhand comment about other parents’ successes feels like a quiet critique of what they think you didn’t do. The comparisons are subtle, but the message is loud: other parents got it right, and you didn’t.
12. Discussions about ageing feel clinical.
When they talk about your health or future, it’s less about your wishes and more about logistics. Conversations about care homes or your finances feel like they’re planning around you rather than with you. It’s as though they see your ageing as another “problem” they’ll eventually have to sort out.
13. They shield you from financial realities.
They avoid mentioning big purchases, like a new car or a dream holiday, in front of you. When you ask about their successes, they brush it off, changing the subject. It’s not just privacy—it’s an effort to avoid reminding you of what they have now versus what they think you couldn’t give them.
14. They keep you out of their emotional struggles.
When life gets tough for them—relationship issues, job stress, personal crises—you’re the last to know. They’ve stopped coming to you for comfort or advice, as if they’ve decided you’re not the person they can lean on anymore. That distance hurts, especially when all you want is to support them.
15. They seem surprised by your success.
When you accomplish something new, their reactions feel more like shock than pride. “Wow, Mum, I didn’t expect that!” or “I didn’t know you could do that, Dad.” It’s as if they’ve set the bar so low in their minds that even small wins seem extraordinary, revealing just how little faith they had in you.
