Mental abuse might not always be obvious to those experiencing it, but the effects it can leave last long after it’s over.
This form of abuse can look different to everyone — gaslighting, constant criticism, bullying, threats, the list goes on and on — and while it’s devastating as it’s happening, things don’t magically get better once the victim gets away from their abuser. While therapy can help process the experience and the trauma it can leave them with, people who’ve experienced mental abuse often do these things in future relationships of all kinds as a result of what they went through.
1. They apologise for everything.
From bumping into a chair to asking for help, people who’ve faced mental abuse often say “sorry” way more than necessary. It’s not because they’re at fault—it’s a reflex built from walking on eggshells. Offering reassurance can help them feel less self-conscious about their constant apologies.
2. They overanalyse every interaction they have.
After enduring criticism or manipulation, they may second-guess how they’re perceived. Did that joke land? Was that email too blunt? They might replay conversations endlessly, looking for signs they’ve upset someone. Gentle reminders that they’re fine just as they are can ease this habit.
3. They just can’t accept compliments.
Kind words can make them squirm because they’re not used to hearing positive reinforcement. Instead of brushing it off, they might awkwardly deflect or doubt the sincerity. Patience and persistence in complimenting them can slowly help them accept they’re deserving of praise.
4. They have trouble setting boundaries.
When someone has been conditioned to prioritise everyone else over themselves, saying “no” can feel impossible. They might overcommit or let people overstep their limits, fearing conflict. Encouraging and respecting their boundaries can go a long way in rebuilding their confidence.
5. They downplay their achievements.
Even when they’ve accomplished something amazing, they might chalk it up to luck or say, “It’s not a big deal.” Years of minimising their worth can make it hard for them to take pride in themselves. Gently pointing out their strengths can remind them to own their success.
6. They’re hyperaware of tone changes.
A slight shift in someone’s tone of voice can send them into overdrive, wondering if they’ve done something wrong. This sensitivity is often rooted in past experiences of sudden outbursts. Being mindful of your tone can help them feel safer and more secure in conversations.
7. They overthink decisions.
Even small choices—like picking a restaurant—can become monumental tasks for someone who’s used to their decisions being criticised. They may hesitate or need constant reassurance. Encouraging them to trust their instincts can help them regain confidence in their choices.
8. They feel responsible for everyone’s emotions.
After years of trying to keep the peace, they might believe it’s their job to fix how people feel. If someone’s upset, they immediately think it’s their fault. Reminding them that everyone is responsible for their own emotions can be incredibly freeing.
9. They’re fiercely independent.
On the flip side, some people respond to mental abuse by refusing to rely on anyone, determined to handle everything on their own. While their independence is admirable, it’s okay to remind them that accepting help doesn’t mean they’re weak.
10. They have major trust issues.
Trust doesn’t come easily when someone’s been manipulated or betrayed in the past. They may test the waters cautiously, unsure if they can truly rely on you. Patience and consistency in your actions can slowly rebuild their faith in people.
11. They overprepare for everything.
From rehearsing conversations to carrying backup plans for backup plans, they might feel the need to be ready for any scenario. This hypervigilance stems from past unpredictability and can take time to relax. Offering reassurance can help them feel safe enough to let go a little.
12. They avoid conflict at all costs.
Arguments or even minor disagreements can feel overwhelming, so they might shy away from any situation that could lead to tension. They’ll often go out of their way to keep things smooth, even if it’s at their own expense. Showing that it’s okay to disagree without drama can help them feel more comfortable.
13. They’re overly empathetic.
Having been through tough experiences, they often go out of their way to make sure everyone feels understood and supported. While this is a wonderful quality, it can sometimes lead to emotional exhaustion. Encouraging them to prioritise self-care reminds them that they don’t always have to carry everyone else’s burdens.
14. They struggle to believe they’re lovable.
Mental abuse can leave deep scars on self-worth, making it hard for someone to believe they deserve love and kindness. They may question why you care about them or worry you’ll leave. Small, consistent acts of love and reassurance can help them start to feel secure.
15. They apologise for their emotions.
If they’re upset or overwhelmed, they might immediately say, “Sorry, I’m being dramatic,” or “Ignore me, I’m fine.” This habit stems from being made to feel like their emotions were a burden. Reassuring them that their feelings are valid can create a safe space for them to open up.
16. They crave stability more than excitement.
While other people might thrive on spontaneity, someone who’s experienced mental abuse often values predictability and calm above all else. They’re not boring—they’re just looking for the safety and peace they may not have had before. Offering consistency in your actions and words can mean the world to them.
