You probably know you can’t change people, but that doesn’t stop most of us from trying.
Maybe it’s a friend who struggles to keep secrets, or a partner who’s a bit unreliable with communication, and you think, “If I could just tweak this one little behaviour, they’d be perfect.” Unfortunately, it never, ever works that way. In fact, trying is less rewarding than it is frustrating and exhausting. No matter how much you might wish things were different, you can’t force anyone to do these things, so do yourself a favour and don’t waste your time and energy.
1. Love you
You can plan the perfect dates, bend over backwards, and essentially become a human pretzel trying to win someone’s heart. But authentic love isn’t something you can force or manipulate into existence. Those rom-com grand gestures only work in the movies, and trying to make someone feel something they don’t just leads to heartache on both sides. Instead, focus on loving yourself and being open to those who naturally gravitate toward your authentic self.
2. Change their core values
Whether it’s political beliefs, religious views, or fundamental life philosophies, trying to change someone’s deeply held values is like trying to paint over titanium with watercolours. You might get a temporary coating, but what’s underneath remains unchanged. The endless debates and heated discussions only lead to mutual frustration and damaged relationships. Focus instead on finding common ground where possible, and respecting differences where necessary.
3. Be ready for commitment
Pushing someone into commitment before they’re ready is like trying to ripen an avocado by staring at it — ineffective and potentially messy. If they’re still updating their dating apps while you’re browsing wedding venues, no amount of hints, ultimatums, or relationship talks will speed up their timeline. Save your energy and be honest about what you need; the right person won’t need convincing.
4. Take responsibility for their actions
You can’t force someone to own up to their mistakes or apologise sincerely, no matter how clearly wrong they were about eating your clearly labelled lunch from the office fridge. Trying to extract accountability from someone who isn’t ready to give it is an exercise in frustration. Focus instead on establishing clear boundaries and consequences for their actions in your life.
5. Look after their health
Whether it’s quitting smoking, exercising more, or finally getting that mysterious rash checked out, you can’t force someone to care about their health if they don’t want to. Your carefully researched articles and concerned lectures will bounce right off their wall of resistance. What you can do is model healthy behaviours and support positive changes when they’re ready to make them themselves.
6. Be more ambitious
Trying to light a fire under someone who’s content where they are is like trying to push a car that’s in park — exhausting and potentially damaging. Your vision of their potential doesn’t automatically translate into their desire for change. Some people are happy exactly where they are, and that’s their right. Channel that motivational energy into your own goals instead.
7. Forgive and forget
Healing happens on its own timeline, and you can’t fast-forward someone else’s emotional processing. Pushing for forgiveness or demanding they “get over it already” only adds pressure to an already sensitive situation. Instead of trying to rush their healing, focus on being patient and understanding while maintaining healthy boundaries.
8. See your point of view
You might have the debate skills of a Supreme Court Justice and the patience of a saint, but you can’t force someone to see things from your perspective. Sometimes, people are committed to their own viewpoint, even if it seems obviously wrong to you. Save your breath and learn to agree to disagree when no minds are being changed.
9. Be a better parent
Whether it’s your own co-parent or someone else’s parenting style you disagree with, you can’t force someone to parent the way you think they should. Your perfectly reasonable suggestions and helpful parenting books will likely be met with resistance. Focus instead on being the best parent you can be and maintaining open, respectful communication.
10. Get their act together
No amount of planning, organising, or scheduling on your part can make someone else get their life in order. Your colour-coded spreadsheets and motivational pep talks won’t magically transform them into a responsible adult. Save your energy for managing your own life and let them face the natural consequences of their choices.
11. Open up emotionally
You can’t force emotional vulnerability any more than you can force a flower to bloom. Creating elaborate scenarios to make someone share their feelings or constantly asking “what’s wrong” won’t break down those emotional walls. Instead, create a safe space where they feel comfortable opening up naturally, without pressure.
12. Respect your boundaries
Source: Unsplash While you can set clear boundaries, you can’t force someone to respect them. They might continue to call at 3 AM, show up uninvited, or push your limits in other ways. What you can control is how you respond and what consequences you enforce. Remember that boundaries without enforcement are just suggestions.
13. Accept your lifestyle choices
Source: Unsplash Whether it’s your career path, relationship choices, or decision to live in a tiny house with seventeen cats, you can’t make anyone approve of your life choices. Their disapproval might be vocal and persistent, but their acceptance isn’t required for your happiness. Focus on living authentically rather than chasing validation from other people.
14. Choose you
Source: Unsplash You can’t make someone prioritise you in their life, no matter how much you prioritise them in yours. If they consistently choose other people, activities, or even their phone over spending time with you, no amount of effort will change that pattern. Invest your energy in relationships where the effort is mutual.
15. Change their mind about you
Source: Unsplash Once someone has formed a strong opinion about you, trying to change it is nearly impossible and probably not worth the effort. Whether it’s an ex who sees you as the villain or a colleague who’s made up their mind about your character, focus on being true to yourself rather than changing their perception. Remember, the energy you spend trying to change people is energy you could be using to improve your own life. Instead of attempting to control the uncontrollable, focus on what you can actually influence: your own actions, responses, and boundaries. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is accept that you can’t make anyone do anything — and that’s actually pretty liberating when you think about it.
