You know what you want from a relationship, so why do you constantly end up finding yourself drawn to toxic people?
It’s not always easy to spot the patterns or understand why you’re attracted to relationships that leave you feeling drained or unfulfilled. However, by asking yourself the right questions, you can start figuring out what’s going on by identifying unhealthy patterns of behaviour — and then changing them. Here are some things to mull over if you want to break the cycle and start having better relationships, which is what you deserve!
1. “What does this person remind me of from my past?”
Source: Unsplash Often, attraction to toxic people stems from unresolved dynamics in your past, such as childhood relationships or early experiences with love. Reflecting on whether this person mirrors someone you’ve known before can offer insights into why you’re drawn to them. Familiarity isn’t always healthy, and recognising these patterns is a good first step.
2. “Do I feel like I can be myself around them?”
Healthy relationships allow you to be authentic without fear of judgment or rejection. If you feel like you have to change, hide parts of yourself, or walk on eggshells, it’s a sign the attraction might not be rooted in something positive. Ask yourself why you’re drawn to someone who doesn’t make you feel safe to be you.
3. “Am I ignoring red flags?”
It’s easy to dismiss warning signs when you’re caught up in the excitement of a new connection. Ask yourself if there are behaviours you’ve noticed but chosen to overlook. Recognising and acknowledging red flags early can save you from deeper emotional harm later.
4. “What am I hoping to ‘fix’ about them?”
Many people are drawn to toxic relationships because they feel compelled to help or “save” the other person. If this resonates, reflect on why you feel responsible for their well-being and whether the dynamic is truly sustainable. Love shouldn’t require constant repair work.
5. “How do I feel after spending time with them?”
Pay attention to your emotional state after interacting with this person. Do you feel uplifted and supported, or drained and anxious? If your energy consistently feels depleted, it’s worth questioning why you’re drawn to someone who doesn’t leave you feeling good.
6. “Am I confusing intensity with love?”
Toxic relationships often come with high levels of drama, passion, or emotional extremes that can feel intoxicating. Ask yourself if you’re mistaking this intensity for genuine connection. Healthy love feels steady and secure, not chaotic or overwhelming.
7. “Do I prioritise their needs over my own?”
Reflect on whether you consistently put their wants and feelings ahead of your own, even to your detriment. A toxic dynamic often thrives when one person sacrifices their well-being to keep the peace. Ask yourself if this is a pattern in your relationships.
8. “Am I afraid of being alone?”
Fear of loneliness can lead people to stay in unhealthy relationships or pursue connections that aren’t good for them. Consider whether your attraction is driven by a genuine connection or a desire to avoid being single. Facing your fear of being alone can open the door to healthier relationships.
9. “What boundaries do I have in this relationship?”
Toxic relationships often involve blurred or non-existent boundaries, leaving one person feeling overwhelmed or taken advantage of. Reflect on whether you’ve set and enforced boundaries with this person. A lack of boundaries can make it difficult to maintain emotional balance.
10. “Am I drawn to the idea of them, rather than who they really are?”
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, we fall for someone’s potential or the version of them we imagine they could become. Ask yourself if you’re attracted to the person as they are now or the person you hope they’ll become. Building a relationship on fantasy rather than reality is rarely sustainable.
11. “What patterns do I notice in my past relationships?”
Source: Unsplash Take a step back and look for recurring themes in your romantic history. Are you often drawn to people who are unavailable, emotionally distant, or overly controlling? Recognising these patterns can help you understand what might be driving your attraction.
12. “Do I feel more anxious than happy in this relationship?”
Source: Unsplash A relationship should bring peace and joy, not constant worry or insecurity. If your attraction to this person comes with heightened anxiety, it’s a sign to dig deeper into why you’re drawn to this dynamic. Your mental health shouldn’t be the cost of companionship.
13. “Am I mistaking their approval for self-worth?”
Source: Unsplash In toxic relationships, people often seek validation from their partner to feel valued or complete. Ask yourself if your attraction stems from needing their approval to feel good about yourself. Building self-worth independently can help break this cycle.
14. “What do I truly want in a partner?”
Source: Unsplash Finally, take a moment to define what you genuinely need and want in a relationship. Reflect on whether this person aligns with those desires or if you’re settling for less. Being clear on your values and goals can help you move toward healthier, more fulfilling connections.
