Controlling behaviour in a relationship doesn’t always show up as obvious demands or blatant manipulation.
In fact, most times, it’s a lot more subtle than that — how else is the controlling partner going to fool you and everyone in your life and keep you from realising what’s really going on? If you’ve been feeling like your partner is demanding a bit too much say over where you go, what you do, and who you spend time with, you might be right. Keep an eye out for these warning signs, and if you notice them, don’t ignore them — control is a form of abuse, and you don’t have to put up with it.
1. They criticise your decisions constantly.
Source: Unsplash At first, their feedback might seem like concern or helpful advice. But if they always find fault with the choices you make — from what you wear to how you spend your time — it could be a subtle form of control. By undermining your confidence, they make you doubt your own judgement, making it easier for them to influence your decisions.
2. They frequently “joke” at your expense.
Playful teasing is normal, but if their jokes regularly embarrass you or cut too deep, it’s not harmless fun. These “jokes” might leave you feeling humiliated or defensive, especially if they brush off your discomfort by saying you’re too sensitive. This behaviour can be a sneaky way of keeping you off balance and asserting dominance.
3. They make you feel guilty for spending time apart.
Healthy relationships have space for individual lives. If they always make you feel bad for hanging out with friends, family, or even spending time alone, they’re subtly isolating you. Guilt-tripping keeps you reliant on them for social connection and emotional support, giving them more control over your life.
4. They “check in” excessively.
Regular check-ins can seem caring, but when they’re constant and demanding, it’s a sign of control. If your spouse needs to know where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing at all times, they might be monitoring you under the guise of care. It often starts with, “I just want to make sure you’re okay,” but can quickly feel suffocating.
5. They decide how money is spent.
Controlling spouses often use finances as a form of power. Even if you both earn money, they might insist on managing the household budget or making big financial decisions alone. If you feel like you have to ask for permission to spend your own money, it’s a subtle but serious sign of control.
6. They undermine your friendships.
They might not outright ban you from seeing certain people, but they’ll drop subtle hints about your friends being a “bad influence” or not having your best interests at heart. Over time, this can make you question your friendships and pull away from your support network, leaving you more dependent on them.
7. They insist on knowing your passwords.
Sharing passwords can seem like a sign of trust, but if they demand access to your phone, social media, or emails, it’s about control. If you hesitate or refuse, they might accuse you of hiding something. The constant invasion of privacy is a way to monitor and control who you communicate with and what you say.
8. They dictate how you should dress.
It might start with “helpful” suggestions or comments about what looks good on you, but if they’re constantly telling you what to wear (or what not to wear), it’s a red flag. Controlling how you dress is a subtle way of managing how you present yourself to the world, which can chip away at your self-expression.
9. They make decisions for you without asking.
Whether it’s choosing a restaurant, making weekend plans, or deciding on major life choices, they act without consulting you. At first, it might seem thoughtful or efficient, but if it becomes a pattern, it’s a way of asserting control. Over time, this can make you feel voiceless in your own life.
10. They use affection as a reward or punishment.
In a healthy relationship, love and affection are consistent. But if your spouse gives or withholds affection based on whether you’ve “behaved” a certain way, it’s a subtle form of control. Being on the receiving end of conditional love keeps you walking on eggshells, worried about pleasing them to earn their approval.
11. They rewrite past events to suit their narrative.
If they often say things like, “That’s not how it happened,” or insist your memories are wrong, it’s a form of gaslighting. By making you question your perception of reality, they maintain control. You may start doubting yourself and relying on them to tell you what’s true, which gives them more power.
12. They make everything seem like your fault.
No matter what goes wrong, they manage to twist it so you’re to blame. If they’re upset, it’s because of something you did. If plans fall apart, it’s your mistake. The constant blame game keeps you feeling guilty and responsible, which is a subtle way for them to maintain the upper hand.
13. They discourage your personal goals.
Whether it’s pursuing a hobby, a career change, or further education, they subtly undermine your aspirations. They might say things like, “That’s not practical,” or “Are you sure you can handle that?” By casting doubt on your goals, they keep you from growing in ways that might threaten their control.
14. They act like you owe them for everything.
When they do something kind or helpful, they make sure you know it. They keep score, reminding you of their generosity whenever you question their behaviour. It creates a sense of obligation, making you feel like you can’t disagree or say no because you “owe” them your compliance.
15. They get upset when you set boundaries.
Healthy relationships respect boundaries, but a controlling spouse sees them as a threat. If they get angry or sulky when you try to set limits — like asking for personal space or saying no to something — it’s a sign they’re used to having control. Their discomfort with boundaries reveals their need for dominance in the relationship.
