While in theory, the best way to communicate with a narcissist is not at all, sometimes you don’t have a choice.
Maybe they’re a family member, someone in your social circle, or even a colleague that you have to work with whether you like it or not. Either way, talking to a narcissist requires a bit of strategy if you want to avoid their drama and wrath and save your own sanity. Here are a few of the things you should say to them to set boundaries and protect yourself, as well as a few phrases that will do more harm than good.
1. Say: “I’m not comfortable with this.”
Narcissists often push boundaries, so stating your discomfort clearly helps set limits. Instead of explaining or justifying, calmly express how you feel. This lets them know where you stand without giving them a chance to argue or manipulate your words.
2. Don’t say: “You always do this!”
Narcissists love to deflect blame. Saying “you always” gives them an opening to deny, argue, or accuse you of exaggerating. Instead, focus on specific instances and how they made you feel, which leaves less room for them to twist your words.
3. Say: “I need some time to think about this.”
When a narcissist pressures you to make a decision, taking a step back is wise. This phrase helps you avoid being rushed into agreeing with something you’re uncomfortable with. It gives you breathing space to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally.
4. Don’t say: “You’re being selfish.”
Calling out their selfishness directly is likely to trigger defensiveness or a full-blown argument. Instead, express how their behaviour affects you. Saying, “I feel like my needs aren’t being considered,” is less confrontational and harder to dismiss.
5. Say: “That’s your opinion, and I have mine.”
Narcissists often present their opinions as facts. This simple phrase helps you assert your perspective without getting pulled into a debate. It acknowledges their viewpoint while firmly holding onto your own.
6. Don’t say: “Why can’t you just be nice?”
This question implies a flaw in their character, which they won’t accept. Instead, say something like, “I’d appreciate it if we could speak respectfully.” It sets a clear expectation for the conversation without attacking their personality.
7. Say: “Let’s stick to the main issue.”
Narcissists love to derail conversations and bring up irrelevant points to confuse or deflect blame. This phrase helps you stay focused on what’s important. It prevents them from pulling you into a tangled web of side arguments.
8. Don’t say: “You’re wrong.”
Telling a narcissist they’re wrong invites a defensive response. Instead, phrase your disagreement calmly, like, “I see things differently” or “That’s not how I experienced it.” This helps maintain a sense of control in the conversation.
9. Say: “I’m not going to discuss this further.”
Sometimes, the best way to handle a narcissist is to refuse to engage. When conversations become toxic or circular, this phrase helps you exit calmly. It shows that you won’t be dragged into endless debates or emotional manipulation.
10. Don’t say: “You need to change.”
Narcissists rarely admit fault, so telling them to change will likely backfire. Instead, focus on your boundaries. For example, say, “I need things to be different for me to feel comfortable.” This puts the emphasis on your needs, not their flaws.
11. Say: “I understand how you feel, but I see it differently.”
This phrase acknowledges their perspective while maintaining your own. It can help de-escalate tension because it shows you’re listening, even if you don’t agree. Narcissists often want validation, and this gives them a sense of being heard.
12. Don’t say: “That’s not fair.”
Narcissists rarely care about fairness, especially if it doesn’t benefit them. Instead, point out specific behaviours or facts. For example, “I don’t feel like my perspective is being considered” is more effective than appealing to fairness.
13. Say: “I need to end this conversation for now.”
When things get heated or unproductive, stepping away can be the healthiest option. This phrase helps you disengage without being aggressive. It protects your emotional well-being and shows you’re not willing to stay in a toxic interaction.
14. Don’t say: “You’re acting just like your [parent/sibling/ex].”
Comparing a narcissist to someone else, especially if it’s someone they dislike, is a sure way to escalate conflict. It will likely make them defensive and shift the conversation to blaming other people. Focus on the current behaviour, not comparisons.
