You probably don’t mean it, but sometimes the things you say can come off as patronising or dismissive.
Whether the tone or the words themselves are the issue, certain phrases can irritate or offend people even when you really do mean well. If you’re guilty of throwing any of these gems into your conversations, you might want to stop. After all, they’re pretty grating, and there are much better ways to express yourself better without accidentally talking down to someone.
1. “Well, actually…”
This is a classic know-it-all phrase that can never not sound condescending. This often means that you’re about to nitpick or correct someone, which can feel dismissive even if you’re right. Instead, try, “That’s an interesting point—I’ve read something different about it, want to compare?” This way, you keep the conversation open and collaborative.
2. “It’s common sense.”
Maybe to you it is, but that doesn’t mean the person you’re talking to feels the same. Saying this can make them feel embarrassed or stupid, especially if they didn’t see something as “obvious.” Instead, say, “Here’s how I’ve approached it before—it might work for you too.” Sharing your perspective feels more helpful than judgemental.
3. “I thought you already knew that.”
This might seem like an innocent remark, but it often feels like a subtle dig at someone’s knowledge. They clearly didn’t already know that, so no need to point it out. Instead, opt for, “Oh, no problem, I can explain.” It shows you’re happy to help without making them feel behind.
4. “You wouldn’t understand.”
Few things shut down a conversation faster than this. It implies the other person isn’t capable of grasping something, which can feel insulting — not to mention a bit pompous on your behalf. Who are you, Einstein? Instead, try, “It’s a little complicated, but I’d be happy to explain if you’re interested.” It’s much more respectful, and they’ll likely be interested in hearing you out more this way.
5. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
Obviously, this one is used with younger people, but it invalidates their perspective and suggests they’re too inexperienced to have an opinion. Instead, try, “Here’s how I see it based on my experience—how do you see it?” You can value their input while still sharing your perspective. After all, kids are pretty smart — don’t discount someone just because they haven’t been alive as long as you have.
6. “Good for you!”
Depending on the tone, this can come across as patronising, especially if it feels like you’re exaggerating your approval (and let’s be real — you probably are). A more genuine response is, “That’s fantastic—tell me more about it!” It shows interest without a hint of sarcasm.
7. “You’re so lucky.”
This can feel dismissive of someone’s hard work, implying their success is purely due to chance. Sure, luck might have helped, but chances are, they put a lot into getting where they are. Instead, say, “You must’ve worked really hard to make that happen — congrats!” It acknowledges their effort and achievement.
8. “I already knew that.”
While it might feel harmless to say, it often comes across as one-upping someone, making them feel like their input is redundant. Instead, go with, “That’s a great point—it’s something I’ve thought about too.” It lets them know that you’re on board with what they’re saying without making them feel silly for sharing.
9. “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Telling someone how they should or shouldn’t feel invalidates their emotions and often makes them defensive. Who are you to dictate someone else’s thoughts, perspectives, and experiences? Instead, try, “That sounds really tough — do you want to talk about it?” It shows empathy without judgement.
10. “I’ll do it for you.”
It seems helpful on the surface, but unless they’ve expressed a desire for help, it can imply you don’t trust them to handle something themselves. Instead, offer, “Would you like a hand with that?” This gives them the option of accepting help without feeling undermined.
11. “That’s cute.”
Calling something “cute” can be dismissive, especially if the person is sharing something they’re passionate about. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard it used genuinely. Instead, say, “That’s so creative/unique—I love it!” if you want to validate their effort and enthusiasm without diminishing it.
12. “Don’t be so sensitive.”
This often feels dismissive and invalidating, especially when someone is genuinely upset — it might even be a form of gaslighting in certain situations. Instead, try, “I didn’t mean to upset you—can we talk about it?” Acknowledging their feelings is a much better starting point than denying them.
13. “I’m surprised you didn’t know that.”
This can make the other person feel self-conscious about their knowledge. Instead, say, “Oh, it’s not super common knowledge—want me to explain?” It’s way more supportive and avoids shaming them for not knowing something. Half the time, there’s no reason for them to have known it in the first place until now!
14. “It’s really not that big of a deal.”
To the person involved, it probably is a big deal, so this phrase can come off as dismissive. Instead, say, “I can see why that’s bothering you—how can I help?” Validating their concerns helps build trust instead of frustration.
15. “Let’s agree to disagree.”
While this seems diplomatic, it can feel like a way to shut down the conversation. Instead, try, “I see where you’re coming from—I’d love to understand more about your perspective.” It keeps the discussion open without feeling dismissive. Obviously, if you’re going around in circles and getting nowhere, this might be applicable, but think of it as a last resort.
16. “I’m just being honest.”
This usually comes right before or after a harsh comment, making it feel like an excuse to be rude. Instead, say, “Here’s my honest opinion—I hope it helps.” Framing it as constructive feedback rather than blunt honesty makes all the difference.
