Gaslighting isn’t just something that happens in romantic relationships.
You can experience it at work, with your friends, or even in your own family. While your relatives are meant to be your number one supporters and the people you can rely on through thick and thin, toxic dynamics can still creep in, even if they don’t realise they’re doing it. It might be tempting to give them a pass because you’re so close, but gaslighting can be extremely harmful regardless of who’s doing it to you, so it’s important to stand up for yourself. Beware of these behaviours and if you notice them, protect yourself!
1. Denying your reality to control the narrative
One of the most common signs of gaslighting is when someone flat out denies something you’ve experienced or said. You’ve probably heard phrases like, “That didn’t happen,” or “You’re imagining things,” right? These are said to make you doubt your own memory and version of events. In families, it’s especially tricky because you want to believe that your loved ones have your back, but these kinds of statements force you to question yourself. If you find yourself in this situation, remember that your reality is valid, even if someone is telling you otherwise. Don’t let them rewrite history for you.
2. Making you feel like you’re “too sensitive”
If you’ve ever expressed frustration or hurt and had someone respond with, “You’re overreacting,” you’ve probably felt like your feelings weren’t being taken seriously. This is a classic move to make you second-guess yourself. Over time, it can make you feel like you’re too emotional or that your feelings are unimportant. But here’s the thing: your feelings are real, and they’re valid. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re being dramatic just because they don’t want to acknowledge the impact of their behaviour.
3. Using affection as a manipulation tool
Sometimes, a gaslighter will shower you with affection and love one minute, only to pull it away the next. That kind of hot-and-cold behaviour is designed to keep you off balance and make you feel like you have to earn their love and approval. When you challenge them or confront them about something, they may withdraw, leaving you unsure of where you stand. The key to protecting yourself here is to set emotional boundaries and stick to them. Don’t let someone’s affection be used as a bargaining chip in their manipulative game.
4. Blaming you for everything that goes wrong
In some families, there’s always one person who gets blamed for everything. No matter what happens, it’s your fault. It’s incredibly common in gaslighting, and it’s especially harmful because it shifts responsibility onto you for things that are completely out of your control. If you’re constantly being made to feel like you’re the problem in every situation, it’s important to recognise it for what it is: a way to avoid accountability. Don’t let them burden you with guilt that isn’t yours to carry.
5. Twisting your words to suit their agenda
Another thing gaslighters do is take what you’ve said and twist it to make you seem unreasonable or even cruel. For example, if you say something simple like, “I didn’t like the way that conversation went,” they might turn it into something like, “So, you’re saying I’m a terrible person?” That kind of manipulation is meant to make you doubt your own words and your ability to communicate clearly. If you find yourself in this kind of situation, keep track of what’s being said — write things down or make a mental note. Having a record of the conversation can help you stay grounded when things get distorted.
6. Making you question your competence
Gaslighters will often make subtle jabs at your abilities, like saying, “Are you sure you can handle that?” or “I don’t think you’re very good at this.” It’s not always obvious at first, but over time, these small digs can add up and start to eat away at your confidence. If someone in your family is constantly questioning your competence, remind yourself of your strengths. Don’t let their negativity define your self-worth.
7. Rewriting family history to suit their image
Some people will revise family history to make themselves look better or justify their actions. If they’re trying to present themselves as the victim or turn events in their favour, they might rewrite things to suit their narrative. If their version of events doesn’t line up with yours, trust your own memory. It’s easy to get swept up in someone else’s story, but you know your truth. If you’re feeling unsure, talk to other family members or friends you trust who were there at the time.
8. Making you doubt your instincts
Gaslighters love to dismiss your gut feelings, telling you things like, “You’re just paranoid,” or “That’s all in your head.” They want you to stop trusting yourself and second-guess your instincts. If you start to doubt your own intuition, it can be incredibly unsettling. But the truth is, your instincts are there for a reason. If something doesn’t feel right, trust yourself and reach out for support from people who understand you and can validate your perspective.
9. Isolating you from other people to control the narrative
Some gaslighters try to isolate you from the rest of your family or friends in an effort to control the story. They want you to rely solely on them for “the truth,” and this can lead to you feeling disconnected and vulnerable. Stay close to the people who care about you and don’t let someone pull you away from your support network. Gaslighting thrives in isolation, so keeping those connections strong is key to protecting yourself.
10. Dismissing your achievements as “no big deal”
When you achieve something, whether big or small, a gaslighter might brush it off and say it’s “no big deal.” They’ll downplay your success to make you feel small or unimportant. It’s a subtle but powerful way to undermine your confidence and make you question your worth. But no matter how they try to belittle your achievements, they matter. Celebrate your wins, big and small, and don’t let anyone tell you they’re insignificant.
11. Making you apologise for things you didn’t do
Have you ever found yourself apologising just to keep the peace, even when you know you haven’t done anything wrong? That’s a classic example of gaslighting. It’s a way for the person doing it to avoid taking responsibility and make you feel like you owe them something. The truth is, you don’t owe anyone an apology for something that wasn’t your fault. Don’t let them guilt-trip you into saying sorry for things that aren’t your responsibility.
12. Acting like they’re always the victim
Gaslighters will often position themselves as the victim in every situation, no matter what the reality is. It can make you feel guilty for things you didn’t do or make you feel like you need to apologise for their pain. They’ll play the victim card to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. It’s important to recognise this tactic and separate their narrative from your reality. Don’t let them manipulate you into feeling bad about things that are beyond your control.
13. Mocking or belittling your feelings
When you’re upset or crying, they love to make you feel like you’re out of line or unstable for reacting that way. Comments like, “Why are you crying about that? It’s not a big deal,” are meant to make you question the validity of your feelings. When this happens, stand firm in your right to feel how you feel. Don’t let anyone tell you that your emotions are less important or that you shouldn’t be feeling the way you are. Your feelings are real, and you have every right to express them.
14. Making you feel crazy when you call them out
One of the most frustrating things about gaslighting is when you call someone out on their behaviour, and they turn it around on you. They might laugh, deny everything, or even call you “dramatic.” It’s all an attempt to derail the conversation and avoid taking responsibility. If this happens, stay calm, stick to the facts, and don’t let them distract you from the real issue at hand.
15. Creating chaos to keep you off balance
Gaslighters thrive on confusion. They’ll create drama or change the story to keep you on edge and unsure of what’s real. It’s like they’re trying to keep you off balance so that you’re less likely to confront them. The best way to deal with this is to focus on consistency. Keep a clear head, document what’s happening, and talk to people who can offer you perspective. Trust your sense of stability and don’t let them drag you into their chaos.
