Magically, most narcissists seem to have the ability to keep people wrapped around their finger without it being obvious.
They’re sly, manipulative, and downright toxic, but many times, you don’t realise what they’re up to until long after the damage is done. Even when you start to pull away because you recognise that something’s not quite right, they’ve got a million and one tricks up their sleeves to reel you right back in. Of course, once you know their tactics, they become a whole lot easier to resist. Here are just some of the things they do to keep you right where they want you — and keep themselves in control.
1. They shower you with compliments, then pull away.
At the start, they make you feel like you’re the most amazing person in the world. They’ll praise you endlessly, making you feel special and unique. Then, just when you’re starting to bask in the glow of it all, they begin to pull back. Suddenly, the compliments stop, and you’re left wondering what happened, chasing that same high you got from their praise. That rollercoaster of attention is exactly what keeps you hooked, always trying to get back to that version of them that made you feel so great. The trick is to realise that genuine connection isn’t meant to feel like a wild ride. Healthy relationships are steady and reassuring, not full of ups and downs like this.
2. They play the victim to gain your sympathy.
Narcissists are great at turning everything into a sob story. They know how to make you feel sorry for them, portraying themselves as the misunderstood underdog who’s always getting the raw end of the deal. It tugs at your heartstrings, and you feel the urge to comfort them, to make everything right. But here’s the catch: it’s all designed to manipulate your emotions and keep you close. It’s important to recognise this and set your boundaries. You can feel for someone without letting them use that sympathy to control you.
3. They love-bomb you early on.
In the beginning, everything feels like a whirlwind romance. They’ll throw out grand gestures, give you all the attention in the world, and tell you how unique and special you are. It’s intoxicating. But once they’ve got you where they want you, the love-bombing stops, and the real them starts to show. If things seem too good to be true early on, they probably are. When someone’s coming on way too strong, it’s worth taking a step back and questioning whether their actions are genuine or just a carefully crafted tactic.
4. They gaslight you into doubting yourself.
Gaslighting is one of their favourite tactics. They twist the truth, make you question your own memories, or convince you that your emotions are wrong. You’ll hear phrases like, “That’s not what I said,” or “You’re overreacting,” and suddenly, you’re left doubting everything — your reality, your perceptions, even your sanity. Over time, it can really knock your confidence, making you rely on them for validation. Recognising that kind of toxic behaviour is the first step in breaking free. Trust your instincts and don’t let anyone convince you to doubt your own experience.
5. They give you just enough to keep you around.
Breadcrumbing is another tactic narcissists excel at. They’ll give you tiny bits of affection or attention just when you’re about to walk away, making you think, “Maybe this time will be different.” It’s enough to keep you invested, but not enough to make you feel secure. The push-and-pull dynamic can leave you emotionally exhausted, always hoping that the next gesture will be the one that finally makes things right. Instead of getting caught up in these isolated moments, start paying attention to the bigger pattern. A healthy relationship doesn’t leave you constantly questioning where you stand.
6. They give you “helpful advice” that’s really just veiled criticism.
Narcissists know how to make their insults sound like they’re coming from a place of concern. They’ll phrase things like, “I’m just saying this because I care,” or “I don’t think you realise how you come across,” but what they’re really doing is slowly chipping away at your self-esteem. Over time, these comments can make you feel like you’re never quite good enough. Healthy feedback should lift you up, not tear you down. If someone’s advice consistently makes you feel small, it’s time to seriously reconsider the relationship.
7. They keep you guessing with mixed signals.
One minute, they’re all in — attentive, affectionate, making you feel like the most important person in the room. The next minute, they’re distant and aloof, leaving you wondering what went wrong. The unpredictability keeps you on edge, constantly trying to figure out where you stand. It’s emotionally draining, but it’s also a way for them to keep you under control. Mixed signals aren’t complex, they’re just manipulative. You deserve clarity and consistency in your relationships. Don’t let anyone keep you guessing or undermine your peace of mind.
8. They make everything about them, even when it’s not.
No matter what the situation is, they’ll find a way to turn the conversation back to themselves. You share a personal achievement, and suddenly, they’ve done something even more impressive. You express a concern, and they’ll somehow make it all about how hard their life is. It’s exhausting and makes you feel unseen and unheard. Healthy relationships should be about mutual support, not one-sided conversations where they constantly steal the spotlight. If you’re always sidelined, it’s a clear sign they’re not valuing you as an equal.
9. They keep you away from people who’d talk sense into you.
Narcissists know that the more isolated you are, the more control they can have over you. They’ll subtly, or sometimes not-so-subtly, push you away from your support network, planting seeds of doubt about the people around you. “Your friends don’t really get you,” or “Your family doesn’t have your back like I do,” are common tactics. Over time, that isolation makes you more dependent on them. Don’t fall for it. Stay connected to your loved ones and resist the urge to pull away. Having a strong support system is essential in breaking free from this kind of manipulation.
10. They blame you for their behaviour.
When you confront them about something hurtful they’ve done, they’ll turn it around and make you feel like it’s your fault. “You made me act that way,” or “I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t…” is their way of deflecting blame and making you feel responsible for their actions. It’s meant to keep you feeling guilty, questioning your role in the conflict. Remember, someone who truly cares about you will take accountability for their actions. Don’t let them convince you that their behaviour is your responsibility to fix.
11. They make promises they never keep.
Narcissists are experts at making big promises, whether it’s a heartfelt apology or a promise to change. But when the time comes to follow through, nothing changes. The cycle of hope and disappointment continues. Actions always speak louder than words, so if someone consistently fails to deliver on their promises, it’s a sign they’re not serious about making real changes. Don’t get stuck in a loop of hope — trust the patterns you’re seeing, not the promises they make.
12. They use silence as punishment.
When they don’t get their way, they might resort to the silent treatment. They’ll shut down completely, refusing to talk or engage with you. This is a form of emotional manipulation, designed to make you feel guilty or desperate for their attention. Recognising it for what it is can help you stay calm and not react emotionally. Setting boundaries around communication is key to protecting yourself from this kind of behaviour.
13. They use flattery to regain control.
When they sense you’re pulling away, they’ll suddenly shower you with compliments and affection. Out of nowhere, they’ll say all the right things, making you question if things are really as bad as they seemed. The sudden shift is designed to pull you back in and regain control. Real love isn’t conditional; it’s not about playing on your emotions when they sense they might be losing you. Don’t let a sudden rush of praise distract you from the bigger issues at hand.
14. They brush off your concerns.
When you try to bring up an issue, they’ll dismiss it, saying things like, “You’re overthinking it,” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” Such minimising behaviour is designed to make you feel like your feelings don’t matter, and it keeps the focus off their actions. In healthy relationships, concerns are taken seriously, not brushed aside. If someone consistently downplays your emotions, it’s a red flag that they’re avoiding accountability.
