It’s tough when a parent wasn’t who you needed them to be, and that’s putting it lightly.
No parent gets it right 100% of the time, and that’s fine — however, kids need caregivers who are consistent with their support, guidance, and love, and when that’s absent, it can really messy you up. Whether your mum and/or dad were absent, emotionally distant, or just didn’t show up in the way you hoped, you might end up carrying the baggage of that with you for a very long time. Moving forward doesn’t mean you have to pretend it didn’t happen; you just need to figure out how to deal with those feelings in a way that actually helps. Here are some ways to do exactly that.
1. Let yourself admit that it hurt.
Brushing it off or telling yourself it wasn’t that bad doesn’t make the feelings go away. If a parent let you down, that’s something that sticks, and it’s okay to acknowledge it. Ignoring it doesn’t erase the impact — it just buries it deeper, making it harder to work through later. Admitting that it hurt doesn’t mean you have to dwell on it forever, but it does mean giving yourself the space to recognise that what you went through mattered. It’s a step toward understanding why certain things still affect you and figuring out what you need now to feel better.
2. Accept that they may never change.
Holding onto hope that they’ll suddenly become the mum or dad you needed can be exhausting. If they’ve always been a certain way, there’s a good chance they won’t wake up one day and be different. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship with them, but it does mean adjusting your expectations. Letting go of the idea that they’ll change doesn’t equate to giving up; instead, you’re freeing yourself from disappointment. Instead of waiting for something that might never happen, you can focus on finding the support and connections that actually meet your needs now.
3. Realise that their shortcomings weren’t about you.
It’s easy to internalise a parent’s behaviour and wonder if you did something wrong. Maybe if you had been easier to raise, more lovable, or just different, they would have shown up in the way you needed. But their actions (or lack of them) weren’t a reflection of your worth. Parents bring their own baggage into the equation, and sometimes they don’t have the emotional tools to be who their child needs. That’s on them, not on you. Recognising this can help separate their choices from your self-worth, which is a huge part of healing.
4. Give yourself the space to grieve.
Even if your mum or dad is still around, there’s a kind of grief that comes with realising they weren’t who you needed them to be. It’s not just about what happened, it’s about what didn’t. The love, support, or guidance you missed out on can leave a gap that doesn’t just disappear. Allowing yourself to grieve means recognising that the loss is real, even if it’s complicated. Pushing it aside doesn’t make it go away, but sitting with those feelings and acknowledging them can help you start to move through them.
5. Decide what kind of relationship works for you now.
Just because they’re your parent doesn’t mean you have to keep them in your life the way they want. If being around them is painful or draining, it’s okay to set boundaries or even step back entirely. You get to decide what feels right for you. Some people find ways to maintain a relationship by keeping conversations light or limiting contact; others realise they need to walk away for their own mental and emotional health. There’s no right or wrong choice, only what feels healthiest for you.
6. Find the support you needed elsewhere.
Just because you didn’t get the support you needed from a parent doesn’t mean you can’t find it now. Sometimes, the people who truly show up for us aren’t the ones we expected. Friends, mentors, partners, or even therapists can fill in those gaps in ways that make a real difference. It’s never too late to find the kind of care and connection you’ve always needed. It might not come from the person you originally wanted it from, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be just as meaningful, or even better.
7. Understand that healing isn’t about forgetting.
Healing doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s not about wiping it away or forcing yourself to see it in a positive light. It’s about learning how to carry it differently so it doesn’t weigh you down as much. You don’t have to forgive, excuse, or justify what happened to move forward. You just have to decide how much space you want to give it in your life now and what you need to feel okay.
8. Let go of comparisons.
Seeing other people with supportive, loving parents can bring up some feelings. It’s natural to wonder what it would have been like if your experience had been different. But constantly comparing your situation to someone else’s only makes it harder to accept your own reality. Everyone’s journey is different, and while it’s frustrating to feel like you missed out on something, focusing on what you do have now can help. It’s not about ignoring what hurt, it’s about not letting it define everything.
9. Recognise the strength it took to get here.
Growing up without the support you needed wasn’t easy, and the fact that you’re here, reading this, means you’ve already made it through a lot. That resilience is something to acknowledge because it’s proof of how strong you are. Even on the days when it feels like you’re still struggling, remember that you’ve already survived what was thrown at you. You’re still moving forward, figuring things out, and making choices for yourself. That’s something to be proud of.
10. Be kind to yourself in ways they weren’t.
If your mum or dad didn’t treat you with the care and kindness you deserved, it’s easy to carry that into the way you treat yourself. Maybe you’re harder on yourself than you should be or struggle to believe you deserve good things. One of the best ways to heal is by giving yourself the kindness they didn’t. That means allowing yourself to rest, to feel, to have boundaries, and to know that you’re worth looking after. You’re not trying to replace what’s missing; you’re making sure you don’t continue to miss out moving forward.
11. Figure out what kind of parent you want to be to yourself.
Even if you didn’t get the parent you needed, you can still be that kind of presence for yourself now. That means listening to yourself, supporting your own needs, and showing up in ways you might have wished someone else had. Taking care of yourself like this doesn’t mean ignoring the pain of the past. It just means recognising that you have the power to give yourself what you didn’t get back then, and that’s a step toward healing.
12. Know that you get to define your own story.
Your past shaped you, but it doesn’t have to control your future. The way your mum or dad treated you doesn’t have to be the thing that defines who you are or what your life looks like now. You get to decide how much space it takes up. Moving forward isn’t about erasing the past; it’s about realising that you have choices now. You can build the kind of life you want, create the relationships you deserve, and write a story that isn’t just about what hurt, but about how you kept going anyway.
