No one likes being questioned, and when it happens it can make you immediately feel defensive.
It makes sense — you back yourself and your decisions, so when someone starts picking holes in your logic or casting doubt on whether you’re “right” or not, it’s enough to drive anyone crazy. However, getting prickly with people isn’t going to make you look good. Instead of using more defensive phrases, consider standing up for yourself and putting your foot down with more neutral language. Everyone will be way more likely to respect you when you seem more self-assured and unbothered than thin-skinned and easily provoked.
1. “That’s not my fault.”
Something goes wrong, and the first thing you want to do is pass the blame. You want to get it off your chest and make it clear it wasn’t you. The thing is, jumping straight to pointing out that you’re not the one to blame is kind of a conversation killer. It can make you sound like you’re avoiding responsibility, and that’ll likely get the other person frustrated. Instead, you could say, “I see where you’re coming from — let’s figure out how to move forward.” This is way more constructive. You’re acknowledging the problem, even if you don’t think you’re fully to blame, and you’re inviting the person into a solution-focused conversation. It keeps things calm and collaborative, instead of defensive and combative.
2. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
It’s hard when someone gets upset over something you said that wasn’t meant to hurt them, jumping to defending yourself and your intentions can come across like you’re brushing off their feelings. It kind of flips the focus to what you meant instead of how your words affected them. And honestly, that can sound a bit selfish or dismissive. A better way to go about it? Try, “I’m sorry if that came across wrong—what I meant was…” This way, you’re owning the impact of your words without getting defensive about your intent. You’re opening up the conversation for them to feel heard and giving yourself the chance to clear up any confusion, without turning it into a debate about who’s right.
3. “I’m just saying.”
This one can feel harmless, but it often minimises what you just said. It sounds like you’re trying to backtrack and make your point seem less important. That’s not the vibe you want, especially when you’re trying to be heard. Saying “I’m just saying” can make it feel like you’re not taking your own words seriously, and it definitely doesn’t invite a real conversation. Instead, go with something like, “What I’m trying to explain is…” This puts the focus on you clearly communicating your thoughts, and it signals that you’re ready for a meaningful exchange, not a throwaway comment. It’s a lot more engaging and shows that you’re confident in your perspective.
4. “Why are you so upset?”
This one’s a classic, but it rarely works out the way you think it will. Asking someone why they feel the way they do, as if they’re wrong for feeling that way, immediately puts them on the defensive, and it feels like you’re questioning whether their emotions are valid. It can even come across as condescending, and that doesn’t do anything to move the conversation forward. Instead, try asking, “Can you tell me more about what’s bothering you?” This is so much better because it shows you’re open to hearing their side and want to understand where they’re coming from. It puts the focus on listening rather than invalidating their feelings. Plus, it makes the conversation feel less like an interrogation and more like a genuine attempt to connect.
5. “I was just joking.”
Banter is great, but it can backfire quickly when you use it to brush off something that may have hurt someone’s feelings. Saying “I was just joking” after something offensive or poorly timed doesn’t actually take responsibility for the impact your words had. It can make the other person feel like you’re not acknowledging the harm, just making excuses. Say something like, “I realise that didn’t come out right — sorry about that.” It’s way more thoughtful because it shows you’re taking responsibility for how your words were received, and it offers an apology without excuses. People will appreciate that you’re owning it, even if you didn’t intend to hurt anyone.
6. “You obviously don’t get it.”
This is one of those phrases that can feel really dismissive. It’s like you’re saying the problem is all theirs, not yours. Yes, miscommunications happen, but immediately shifting the blame onto the other person can make them feel unheard, and that’s the last thing you want in a conversation. Instead, go with something along the lines of, “Let me rephrase that to make it clearer.” It puts the responsibility on you to make sure you’re being understood, rather than pointing out the other person’s error. It’s way more cooperative and creates a space where you’re both working toward understanding each other, instead of just blaming one another.
7. “That’s not what I said.”
If someone misinterprets something you said, it’s so tempting to point out that they’re basically putting words in your mouth, but doing that can feel pretty combative. It makes the person feel like they’re being accused of twisting your words, which only creates more tension. Instead, say, “Let me explain what I meant.” It keeps the tone calm and neutral, and it lets you clarify your words without accusing the other person of being wrong. It’s much easier to have a productive conversation when both of you are focused on getting to the bottom of things, rather than defending your individual sides.
8. “I didn’t know.”
This one can be tricky. While it’s totally fine to admit you didn’t know something, it might make you sound like you didn’t make any effort to be informed. It kind of shifts the blame to ignorance, which isn’t always the best look. A more positive spin would be, “I wasn’t aware of that — thanks for pointing it out. I’ll make sure to keep it in mind moving forward.” It shows you’re open to learning and improving, rather than just brushing it off. Plus, it makes you look open-minded and willing to grow, which always goes down better than an excuse.
9. “That’s not my problem.”
This can sound pretty harsh and uncaring, even if you didn’t mean it that way. Even if something really isn’t your responsibility or problem to deal with, pointing it out as a knee-jerk reaction can make you sound dismissive and like you’re not willing to help, even if the issue doesn’t directly involve you. A much better way to approach it would be, “I understand it’s frustrating. How can I support you?” You’re still setting boundaries, but you’re doing it in a way that shows you care about the other person’s feelings and want to help in whatever way you can. It keeps the conversation positive and shows you’re still part of the team, even if you can’t solve everything.
10. “You always/never…”
This phrase is a trap. Using “always” or “never” can make the other person feel unfairly judged, and it’s rarely an accurate reflection of the situation. It can make the conversation feel extreme and escalate the tension. Instead, focus on the specific issue at hand. Saying, “I’ve noticed this happens sometimes, and it bothers me. Can we talk about it?” keeps things focused on the moment without exaggerating. It’s much more likely to keep things calm and allow for resolution.
11. “I don’t see the big deal.”
Brushing off someone else’s concerns just because it doesn’t matter to you is a guaranteed way to make them feel unheard. Even if you don’t think something is a big deal, dismissing it like that can be pretty dismissive. A better approach would be, “I didn’t realise this was so important to you—can we talk about it?” It opens up the conversation and lets them explain why it matters, showing that you care about their feelings and are open to understanding their perspective.
12. “I can’t believe you think that.”
Saying this can make the other person feel like you’re rejecting their opinion outright. It shuts down the conversation and makes it hard for them to feel comfortable expressing their thoughts. After all, who died and made you the boss of everything? A more open response is, “I didn’t realise you saw it that way — can you tell me more about why you feel this way?” This way, it invites the person to explain themselves and gives you both a chance to understand each other more clearly.
13. “That’s not fair.”
Even though it feels like the situation might be unfair, saying this can sound like a complaint rather than a solution. Guess what — sometimes life isn’t fair, but you can’t just throw your toys out of the pram and refuse to meet people halfway in life. Instead of focusing on what’s unfair, try to bring the conversation back to a constructive place. Saying, “I feel differently about this. Can we talk it through?” helps keep things focused on working through the issue together, rather than just feeling stuck in frustration.
14. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Focusing too much on your intention rather than the other person’s feelings can sound like you’re excusing yourself. Even if you didn’t mean to offend someone, it’s important to acknowledge how your words affected them. Instead, try, “I’m sorry I upset you — that wasn’t my intention. Let’s talk about it.” It keeps the conversation respectful and shows that you value their feelings, not just your own intentions. It also ensures they don’t feel daft for being offended in the first place.
15. “You’re overreacting.”
Telling someone they’re overreacting invalidates their feelings and makes them feel worse. First of all, who are you to decide what’s an “overreaction,” anyway? They’re entitled to their feelings, and you shouldn’t be discounting them. Instead, try, “I didn’t realise this mattered so much to you. Can you explain more?” Approaching the conversation in this way encourages the person to open up about their feelings and shows that you want to understand them, instead of belittling their response.
16. “I’m fine.”
“I’m fine” is a phrase we often say when we want to shut down a conversation, but it can come off as closed-off, especially when it’s clear you’re not fine. Instead, be honest without shutting things down entirely. Saying, “I’m feeling a bit off, but I’d like to talk about it later” keeps the door open for further conversation. It shows that you’re willing to engage without diving into the conversation right away.
