Having your emotional needs ignored or neglected as a kid can really mess you up.
Not only do you miss out on the love, support, and care you desperately need during your formative years, but you inevitably form beliefs about yourself, your relationships with other people, and the world at large that stick with you long after you grow up. While it’s totally possible (and important!) to re-parent yourself and work through the trauma you experienced as a child, many of the beliefs you’ve carried with you over the years can be particularly hard to break and re-frame in a more positive light. Keep working through it — you can overcome them and find happiness and fulfilment.
1. My needs aren’t important.
Growing up in an environment where your emotional needs weren’t met can make it feel like your needs don’t matter. If you were dismissed or made to feel like asking for support was a hassle, you probably learned to keep quiet and push your feelings aside. Over time, this can become second nature, and you may start putting everyone else’s needs first without even realising it. The key to breaking this cycle is realising that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. Recognising your worth and allowing yourself to be seen and heard is a huge step toward shifting this harmful belief.
2. I’m too much for people.
If you were constantly told you were being “too dramatic” or that your emotions were too overwhelming, it’s easy to grow up thinking that expressing your feelings is somehow a burden. You might find yourself holding back, worrying that being open about how you feel will push people away. But the truth is, sharing your emotions is what helps build strong connections. People who truly care won’t be overwhelmed by your feelings; they’ll appreciate your honesty and openness. Learning to trust that people can handle your emotions is an important part of building more authentic relationships.
3. If I express my feelings, I’ll be rejected.
When your feelings were met with criticism, punishment, or even just silence as a child, it becomes natural to shut down emotionally to protect yourself. This leads to the belief that if you express how you feel, it will somehow lead to rejection or hurt. As an adult, it can make you feel isolated, like you’re constantly holding back a part of yourself. But the reality is that people who genuinely care about you will want to hear your thoughts and feelings. Letting yourself be vulnerable, even in small moments, can help you feel more connected and supported in your relationships.
4. I have to earn love and approval.
If you grew up in an environment where affection was conditional, like having to achieve or behave a certain way to feel valued, you might start to believe that love has to be earned. Believing that can lead you to work endlessly, overperform, or constantly prove your worth to other people. But love isn’t something you need to earn it’s a basic right we all deserve, regardless of what we achieve. Realising that your worth is inherent and not tied to accomplishments can help ease the pressure and allow you to enjoy love and affection freely.
5. My feelings aren’t valid.
When your emotions were brushed off or invalidated as a child, it can make you start questioning whether your feelings are even worth paying attention to. You might second-guess yourself, ignoring your gut instincts or brushing off your emotional reactions because you’ve been taught that they don’t matter. But every feeling you have is valid, no matter how big or small. Learning to trust your emotions and recognise them as important is an empowering step toward better understanding yourself and making choices that align with your true needs.
6. I don’t deserve to be happy.
If your happiness was met with negativity, or you were made to feel guilty for feeling good, it’s easy to internalise the belief that joy isn’t something you’re allowed to experience. You might feel uncomfortable when things go well, almost as if happiness is something reserved for other people. What you have to remember is that happiness isn’t a reward; it’s a natural part of life that everyone has the right to experience. Embracing joy, no matter how small, and allowing yourself to celebrate positive moments is key to rewriting this belief and finding balance in your life.
7. Asking for help is a sign of weakness.
If you were made to feel like you should always figure things out on your own or that asking for help meant you were failing, it can be tough to break that pattern as an adult. You may feel like asking for support makes you weak, even when you’re overwhelmed. Of course, asking for help isn’t a sign of failure, it’s a sign of strength. It shows that you recognise your own limits and that you’re open to receiving the care and support you need. Letting other people step in when you need them helps lighten the load and reinforces that you don’t have to carry everything alone.
8. People will leave if I’m not perfect.
Growing up in an environment where approval felt like it was based on being perfect can make you believe that showing any flaws or making mistakes will cause people to leave. You may spend a lot of energy trying to maintain an image of perfection, all while worrying that any slip-up could push people away. But in reality, relationships are built on authenticity, not perfection. The people who truly care about you will love you for who you are, flaws and all, and won’t be driven away by your humanity. Learning to embrace your imperfections can actually strengthen your connections.
9. I’m unlovable because of my flaws.
If you were criticised or rejected as a child for your imperfections, you might grow up thinking that your flaws make you unworthy of love. This belief can make you second-guess why anyone would care about you, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable. But everyone has flaws, and they don’t make you unlovable, they make you human. Realising that your worth isn’t dependent on being flawless can help you embrace yourself fully and understand that love isn’t conditional on perfection.
10. Conflict means the end of a relationship.
If conflict in your childhood home felt like it always led to punishment, withdrawal, or even the threat of losing connection, it’s easy to grow up being terrified that any kind of disagreement will ruin your relationships. Believing that can make you avoid conflict altogether, suppressing your own needs in the process. But conflict, when approached with respect and understanding, is actually an opportunity for growth in a relationship. It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about learning and growing together. Being able to express your feelings and work through disagreements can strengthen your bond rather than weaken it.
11. I have to do everything myself.
When emotional support was scarce growing up, you probably learned to rely solely on yourself to get by. While being self-sufficient is a great quality, it can also leave you feeling isolated, like you have to carry everything on your own. This belief can make it hard to let anyone in, even when you’re struggling. But it’s okay to lean on people when you need support. Sharing the load, whether emotionally or physically, helps you feel less alone and reinforces that there are people who care about you and are there to help.
12. My emotions will just bother people.
If expressing your feelings as a child was met with impatience, eye rolls, or indifference, it’s no surprise you might grow up thinking that sharing your emotions will only burden other people. You might choose to keep everything inside to avoid upsetting anyone. However, holding your emotions in can create distance, leaving you feeling lonely and misunderstood. The people who truly care about you will want to hear how you’re feeling, not as a burden, but as a way to connect. Opening up, even in small ways, can help you feel seen and understood.
13. I’m responsible for other people’s happiness.
If you were taught that your role was to keep the peace or make people happy, you might carry that sense of responsibility into adulthood. You may feel guilty when someone else is upset, even if it has nothing to do with you. But you’re not responsible for other people’s happiness — everyone is in charge of their own emotional well-being. Understanding this frees you from unnecessary guilt and allows you to focus on your own happiness without feeling like you need to constantly fix everyone else’s emotions.
14. I don’t deserve emotional support.
When emotional support was lacking as a child, it’s easy to internalise the belief that you don’t deserve help from other people. You might hesitate to reach out for support or feel like your struggles aren’t worthy of attention. But emotional support is a basic human need, and everyone deserves it. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows that you value your well-being and that you’re willing to connect with people to find the support you need.
15. I need to prove I’m enough.
If love or acceptance felt conditional growing up, it’s easy to start believing that you have to constantly prove your worth. This can show up in overachievement, people-pleasing, or a refusal to say no, all in an effort to justify your place in other people’s lives. But you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You are enough, just as you are. Letting go of this need for external validation helps you embrace your true self and find peace with who you are, without feeling like you have to earn love or approval.
