Keeping a solid relationship with your adult kids shouldn’t require walking on eggshells, but some things can push them away faster than you’d expect.
As they build their own lives, they want respect, understanding, and a sense of autonomy — not passive-aggressive remarks or outdated expectations. Even if your intentions are good, saying certain things can make them feel unheard, controlled, or judged. If you want to keep your adult child in your life, leave these “helpful” comments out of your conversations.
1. “You’d be so much happier if you just did things my way.”
It might come from a place of love, but this phrase instantly tells your adult child that you don’t trust them to make their own choices. Even if their decisions seem questionable to you, part of being an adult is figuring things out for themselves. Nobody wants to feel like their life is being micromanaged, especially when they’re no longer a child. It’s frustrating to hear that their way of doing things isn’t good enough, even if they’re perfectly content. Instead of offering unsolicited advice, try asking open-ended questions. A simple, “How do you feel about it?” can show support without making them feel like you’re trying to control their life. If they do want advice, they’ll ask for it, and if they don’t, respecting their independence will go a long way in keeping your relationship strong.
2. “When are you finally going to settle down?”
Whether it’s about marriage, buying a house, or having kids, this question assumes there’s only one right way to live, and that they’re doing it wrong. In today’s world, people are taking different paths, and the traditional timeline doesn’t apply to everyone. Some people want marriage and a mortgage, while others are happy renting and focusing on their careers. Pressuring them with this kind of question only makes them feel like they’re falling short, even if they’re completely satisfied with their life choices. Instead of making them feel like they’re behind in life, try respecting their journey. If they want to settle down, they will. If they don’t, that’s their decision, not something they need to explain or justify. Relationships thrive when people feel accepted as they are, not when they feel like they’re constantly being measured against outdated expectations.
3. “You never call me.”
Guilt-tripping doesn’t strengthen relationships — it creates resentment. Your adult child likely has a lot going on, and making them feel bad about not calling enough just makes communication feel like a chore. Life gets busy, and while they probably do care about staying in touch, hearing this phrase makes it feel more like an obligation than something they genuinely want to do. A better approach would be to reach out yourself without passive-aggressiveness. A simple “Hey, just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing” keeps things warm and open, rather than making them feel like they’ve failed you. When communication feels positive rather than pressured, they’ll be more likely to stay in touch.
4. “I don’t understand why you’re so sensitive.”
Dismissing their feelings doesn’t make them less real — it just makes them less likely to open up to you in the future. If something upsets them, it matters, even if you don’t fully get it. Telling them they’re “too sensitive” only makes them feel invalidated, like their emotions aren’t worth acknowledging. Instead of invalidating their emotions, try listening. A simple, “I didn’t realise you felt that way — tell me more” can go a long way in making them feel heard and respected. You don’t have to agree with everything they feel, but showing that you care about their perspective keeps the door open for honest conversations.
5. “I don’t like your partner.”
Unless their partner is genuinely toxic or dangerous, this comment will only push your child away. No one wants to feel like they have to choose between their family and their relationship. If they love this person, hearing that you disapprove will make them defensive, and in some cases, it can even strengthen their attachment to their partner. Even if you have concerns, it’s better to focus on asking questions rather than making declarations. Show curiosity about their relationship rather than trying to control it; you’ll have a much better chance of keeping them close. If something is truly wrong, they’ll figure it out on their own, and they’ll be much more likely to come to you for support if they don’t feel like you’re against them from the start.
6. “I did so much for you growing up, and this is how you repay me?”
Parenting isn’t a transactional deal. You raised them because you love them, not because they owe you something in return. Holding your sacrifices over their head will only make them feel guilty and uncomfortable, making them pull away rather than feel closer to you. Rather than making them feel like they’re forever in debt to you, focus on building a relationship based on mutual respect. If they feel genuinely appreciated rather than guilt-tripped, they’ll be much more likely to want to spend time with you and keep you involved in their life.
7. “That’s not how we did things when I was your age.”
Times change, and what worked a few decades ago doesn’t necessarily apply now. Whether it’s about careers, parenting styles, or life choices, comparing their reality to yours only makes them feel like you don’t understand their world. It can come across as dismissive, as if the challenges they’re facing don’t really matter. Instead of dismissing their experiences, try asking about them. “What’s that like for you?” invites conversation rather than shutting it down. Showing genuine interest in how things are different for them helps build understanding rather than creating distance.
8. “You’re being dramatic.”
Minimising their struggles isn’t going to make them see things your way; it’s just going to make them stop sharing with you. Even if their worries seem small to you, they’re real to them. Nobody wants to feel like their emotions are being brushed aside, especially by someone they’re hoping to confide in. Empathy goes a long way. Rather than brushing off their concerns, acknowledge them. A simple, “That sounds tough. How can I support you?” makes all the difference. When people feel understood, they’re more likely to stay emotionally connected.
9. “You should have bought a house by now.”
The world is different now, and buying a home isn’t as easy as it used to be. Many young adults are dealing with higher costs of living, stagnant wages, and an unpredictable economy. What may have been a realistic goal a few decades ago is now much harder for many people. Instead of making them feel inadequate, acknowledge the challenges they’re facing. “Things are so different now compared to when I was younger” shows that you understand, rather than making them feel like they’ve failed. Recognising their reality makes you someone they can talk to, rather than someone they feel judged by.
10. “Why don’t you have kids yet?”
Few questions feel more intrusive than this one. Having children is a deeply personal decision, and not everyone wants or is able to have them. Even if they do want kids, they might not be ready yet, struggling with infertility, or dealing with financial or emotional roadblocks that they haven’t shared with you. Asking this question puts them on the spot and can create unnecessary pressure. Unless they bring it up themselves, leave it alone. If they want kids, they’ll have them on their own timeline. If they don’t, that’s their choice, and it doesn’t need to be up for debate. A better approach? Let them lead the conversation about their future without making assumptions about what it should look like.
11. “You’re too busy for me now.”
Life gets hectic, and adulthood comes with responsibilities that weren’t there before. Saying this makes them feel guilty rather than encouraging them to connect more. They might already be struggling to juggle work, relationships, and their personal life, and adding guilt to the mix doesn’t help. Try shifting the tone. Rather than making them feel bad, let them know you’d love to see them: “I know you’re busy, but I’d love to catch up when you have time.” That way, it’s an invitation, not an obligation. They’ll appreciate the warmth rather than feeling like they’re constantly disappointing you.
12. “That’s not a real job.”
Careers have changed, and many jobs today didn’t even exist a generation ago. Just because their career path isn’t traditional doesn’t mean it’s not valid. Dismissing their profession — whether they’re freelancing, working in social media, or running their own business — can feel insulting, especially if they’re proud of what they do. Instead of criticising, ask questions: “Tell me more about what you do because I’d love to understand it better.” This shows respect and interest, rather than judgement. Even if their job isn’t what you expected, acknowledging their hard work makes a big difference.
13. “You used to be so much fun.”
Life responsibilities change people, and adulthood often comes with stress that wasn’t there before. Saying this implies that they’ve lost something rather than grown. Maybe they’re more focused on their career, their mental health, or just don’t enjoy the same things they used to. That doesn’t mean they’re less fun, it just means they’ve evolved. Rather than focusing on how they’ve changed, focus on finding new ways to connect. Suggest something you’d both enjoy, rather than making them feel like they need to entertain you. If you want to spend more time together, frame it as excitement rather than disappointment.
14. “You wouldn’t be struggling if you just worked harder.”
Hard work doesn’t guarantee success the way it used to. Many young adults work incredibly hard and still struggle with financial pressures and job insecurity. Suggesting that their problems could be solved by simply “trying harder” overlooks the very real economic and social challenges they face. Instead of assuming they’re not doing enough, acknowledge their effort: “I know things aren’t easy right now. How can I support you?” That way, they feel understood rather than criticised. Even if you don’t fully understand their struggles, recognising that they’re doing their best can make all the difference.
15. “You spend too much money on things you don’t need.”
What seems unnecessary to you might be meaningful to them. Whether it’s travel, hobbies, or experiences, how they spend their money is their choice. Maybe they prioritise things differently than you did at their age, but that doesn’t mean they’re being irresponsible. Instead of judging, try understanding: “What’s something you’ve really enjoyed spending money on lately?” This invites conversation rather than criticism. You might even learn something new about their interests and values, rather than making them feel defensive.
16. “I know what’s best for you.”
They’re an adult now, and part of adulthood is making decisions, good or bad, on their own. Saying this takes away their autonomy and makes them feel like they’re still being treated like a child. Even if you’ve been through similar experiences, they need the space to figure things out on their own terms. Don’t just assume you know best. Try asking, “What do you think is best for you?” This empowers them and shows that you trust their judgement. When they feel respected, they’re much more likely to turn to you for advice on their own terms.
