From the outside, it’s easy to assume that leaving an abusive relationship is as simple as walking away.
But for those living it, the reality is so much more complicated than that. Abuse isn’t just physical; it can be emotional, financial, and psychological, making it even harder to break free. People in these situations often feel trapped, judged, or misunderstood, especially when well-meaning friends and family don’t realise just how messed up it really is. If you’ve ever wondered why someone stays or why they don’t just leave, these are just some of the things people in these relationships wish everyone would have a bit more understanding and empathy for.
1. It’s not as easy as just leaving.
Source: Unsplash The most common response people give when they hear about abuse is, “Why don’t they just leave?” But it’s rarely that simple. There are emotional, financial, and sometimes even physical barriers that make leaving incredibly hard, if not downright impossible.
Many abusers manipulate their victims into believing they won’t survive without them, and others threaten violence if they try to leave. Some people simply don’t have the financial means or support system to escape safely. It’s never as straightforward as people think.
2. Abuse isn’t always physical.
Many people assume that unless someone has visible bruises, they’re not really being abused. But emotional, psychological, and financial abuse can be just as damaging — sometimes even more so. Manipulation, gaslighting, controlling behaviour, and financial restrictions are all forms of abuse that leave deep scars. Just because someone isn’t being physically hurt doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering.
3. They might not even realise they’re being abused.
Abuse doesn’t always start with obvious red flags. It often begins gradually, with small controlling behaviours that escalate over time. By the time someone realises they’re in an abusive relationship, they may already feel trapped. Many abusers convince their victims that their behaviour is normal, or that they’re the problem. When you’ve been gaslighted for long enough, you start to question your own reality.
4. Fear is a real reason for staying.
For many people, the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. Abusers often make terrifying threats — about hurting them, their children, or even themselves — if they ever try to leave. Leaving an abuser can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Many victims stay because they believe, sometimes rightfully so, that leaving could put them in even more danger.
5. They’re not “weak” for staying.
It’s easy to judge someone from the outside, but unless you’ve been in their position, you have no idea how much strength it takes just to survive. Many victims endure abuse because they’re protecting their children, trying to keep the peace, or because they simply have nowhere else to go. Calling someone weak for staying only makes them feel more isolated. What they need is support, not judgement.
6. The abuse isn’t necessarily constant.
Abusers don’t always behave badly 24/7. They can be incredibly charming, loving, and apologetic in between episodes of abuse. This cycle makes it even harder to leave. After an explosive argument or violent incident, the abuser may shower their partner with affection, promising it will never happen again. It creates confusion and false hope, making the victim believe things will get better, even if they know deep down they probably won’t.
7. They often feel ashamed of their situation.
People in abusive relationships are often too ashamed to ask for help. They may feel embarrassed for not leaving sooner, or believe that everyone will think they’re stupid or foolish for staying. Abusers often reinforce this shame, making their victims feel like no one will believe them or that they’re somehow to blame. The fear of being judged keeps many people silent.
8. Financial control is a major reason they stay.
One of the most effective ways an abuser keeps someone trapped is by controlling their finances. If someone has no access to money, no job, or no credit in their name, leaving can feel impossible. Even if they want to escape, they may not have anywhere to go, any money to get there, or any way to support themselves once they leave. Financial abuse is real, and it keeps many victims stuck.
9. They’re not lying when they defend their abuser.
It can be frustrating to hear someone defend the person hurting them, but this is often a survival tactic. Many victims feel they have no choice but to justify or minimise the abuse to avoid further harm. They might also genuinely believe their abuser loves them. After years of manipulation and gaslighting, it’s easy to fall into the belief that the abuser’s behaviour is excusable or “not that bad.”
10. They often cut people off because they feel ashamed.
If someone in an abusive relationship has pulled away from friends or family, it’s not necessarily because they don’t want support. Many victims isolate themselves out of shame or fear of being judged. Some abusers even encourage this by convincing them that no one else cares or that they’ll be mocked if they reach out. If you suspect someone is withdrawing, try to let them know you’re still there for them.
11. They need support, not ultimatums.
Telling someone, “If you don’t leave, I won’t help you” might seem like tough love, but it can actually do more harm than good. It reinforces their sense of isolation and makes them feel even more trapped. Instead of issuing ultimatums, let them know you’ll be there for them when they’re ready. Sometimes, just knowing someone is on their side is what gives them the strength to leave.
12. They may try to leave multiple times before it sticks.
Most people don’t leave an abusive relationship on the first try. On average, it takes multiple attempts before someone finally escapes for good. They may leave only to be drawn back in by apologies, threats, or the belief that things will change. It’s important to be patient and supportive, even if they don’t leave right away.
13. They might not speak up because they don’t think anyone will believe them.
Abusers are often skilled manipulators who present a charming, respectable image to the outside world. That can make it really hard for victims to come forward because they fear no one will believe them. Some abusers go as far as convincing other people that their partner is “crazy” or “dramatic,” making it even harder for the victim to speak out. Believing someone when they confide in you is one of the most important things you can do.
14. It’s not just about love — it’s about survival.
Many people assume that victims stay because they’re just too in love to walk away, but it’s often about much more than that. Fear, financial dependency, manipulation, and even safety concerns play a huge role in why someone doesn’t leave. Love might have been what got them into the relationship, but survival is often what keeps them there. Understanding this makes it easier to support them in the right way.
15. They need understanding, not judgement.
If someone you know is in an abusive relationship, the best thing you can do is offer them compassion rather than criticism. Telling them they’re stupid for staying or blaming them for their situation will only push them further away. What they need is patience, understanding, and a reminder that they have options when they’re ready to take them. No one wants to be in an abusive relationship — sometimes, they just need the right support to help them find a way out.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline is available 24/7 at 0808 2000 247.
