When someone’s been hurt or wronged, the simplest and most meaningful thing to do is apologise.
Unfortunately, some people struggle to say they’re sorry. Instead, they try to smooth things over with distractions, excuses, or gestures that don’t actually make up for what happened. While actions can support an apology, they can’t replace it entirely. These things might seem like a half-hearted attempt at making amends, but they’ll never truly replace a legitimate, heartfelt “I’m sorry.”
1. Saying, “You know I didn’t mean it”
Intentions don’t erase impact. Just because you didn’t mean to hurt someone doesn’t mean they weren’t hurt. Saying this shifts the focus away from the person’s feelings and onto your own, making it seem like their pain is invalid. Instead of explaining what you meant, acknowledge what actually happened. A genuine apology recognises the harm caused, regardless of intent.
2. Giving a gift instead
Flowers, chocolates, or a nice gesture can be thoughtful, but they don’t address the problem. Trying to “buy” forgiveness might feel like a shortcut, but without acknowledging what went wrong, it can come off as dismissive. A meaningful apology shows that you respect the person’s feelings. A gift should be an extra gesture of kindness, not a way to avoid responsibility.
3. Saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way”
This sounds like an apology, but it’s really just avoiding blame. It puts all the focus on the other person’s emotions rather than the action that caused them in the first place. A real apology doesn’t make the other person feel like their reaction is the problem—it takes accountability for what happened.
4. Laughing it off
Joking about something serious to “lighten the mood” might feel like an easy way to move on, but it usually just makes things worse. It can make the other person feel like their feelings aren’t valid or that their pain isn’t being taken seriously. If something you did upset someone, acknowledge it instead of trying to turn it into a joke. A real apology means recognising the situation for what it is.
5. Saying, “But I was just being honest”
Honesty isn’t an excuse for being hurtful. Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needed to be said in a way that caused harm. People appreciate honesty, but they also appreciate kindness. If your words were unnecessarily harsh, an apology goes a long way in repairing trust.
6. Ignoring it and hoping time will fix it
Some people believe that if they wait long enough, the problem will just go away. While time might lessen the intensity of hurt feelings, it doesn’t erase them. Ignoring an issue can make the other person feel like their pain wasn’t worth acknowledging. A simple apology, even after some time has passed, shows that you care about making things right.
7. Making excuses instead of taking responsibility
Apologies lose meaning when they are immediately followed by a justification. Saying “I was just stressed,” “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “I had a bad day” doesn’t erase what happened. Owning up to a mistake without adding an excuse shows emotional maturity. It shifts the focus to the other person’s feelings rather than defending your own actions.
8. Passing the blame
Turning the situation around and making it about what the other person did wrong is a common way to avoid an apology. Saying, “Well, you did the same thing last week” or “I only reacted that way because of what you said first” doesn’t make things better. Even if both people contributed to the conflict, taking responsibility for your part is an important step. A real apology doesn’t come with conditions or blame-shifting.
9. Over-the-top grand gestures
Source: Pexels Some people go all out — buying expensive gifts, planning a big surprise, or making a dramatic public statement — instead of simply saying “I’m sorry.” While these gestures can be nice, they don’t address the core issue. An apology needs words and accountability, not just extravagant attempts to smooth things over. If someone feels hurt, they need to hear you acknowledge it, not just see a grand display.
10. Changing the subject
Avoiding an uncomfortable conversation by steering the discussion in a different direction is a common way people try to escape apologising. Bringing up something unrelated or suddenly acting like everything is fine doesn’t make the issue disappear. A real apology means facing the situation head-on. Avoiding the topic only leaves things unresolved and can create resentment.
11. Expecting things to go back to normal without an apology
Sometimes people assume that if they act normal again, the other person will just move on. They might text casually, joke around, or make plans as if nothing happened, hoping that the issue will just be forgotten. But without an apology, there’s still an unresolved issue lingering in the background. A simple acknowledgment of what went wrong can help both people move forward.
12. Doing a favour as a way to make up for it
Helping out, running an errand, or doing something nice for the other person can be a great way to show you care, but it’s not a replacement for an apology. Actions can support an apology, but they shouldn’t take its place. If someone feels hurt, they need to hear that you understand why and that you regret what happened.
13. Waiting for them to apologise first
Sometimes, people hold off on apologising because they feel the other person should say sorry first. But if you know you’ve done something wrong, waiting for them to take the first step only drags things out. Taking responsibility without conditions shows maturity and care. Even if both people were in the wrong, apologising for your part can help open the door for resolution.
14. Saying “Let’s just move on”
Trying to rush past an issue without properly addressing it can make the other person feel dismissed. Even if you’re both tired of discussing it, brushing things under the rug doesn’t mean the feelings just disappear. Real resolution comes from acknowledging what happened and making sure both people feel heard. A sincere apology creates closure and prevents resentment from building up.
