Growing up, it’s not always easy to tell the difference between strict parenting and emotional bullying.
But looking back as an adult, there are certain patterns of behaviour that might make you realise that what you experienced wasn’t just tough love — it was emotional manipulation. Emotional bullies don’t always shout or hit, but their words, actions, and constant need for control can leave lasting effects. If you often find yourself second-guessing your emotions or feeling guilty for setting boundaries, here are some signs your parent may have been an emotional bully.
1. They made you feel like everything was your fault.
No matter what happened, somehow, it was always your responsibility. If they were in a bad mood, it was because of something you did. If an argument broke out, it was because you “made them” upset. They never took responsibility for their own emotions. That kind of manipulation can leave you feeling like you have to walk on eggshells in relationships, constantly over-apologising and trying to fix things that weren’t even your fault to begin with.
2. They used guilt to control you.
If you ever tried to stand up for yourself or do something they didn’t approve of, they made you feel like a terrible person for it. Phrases like “After everything I’ve done for you” or “You’re so ungrateful” were thrown around to keep you in line. Guilt-tripping was their go-to tactic, making you feel selfish for having your own needs, opinions, or even just wanting space from them.
3. They constantly compared you to other people.
Whether it was your siblings, your friends, or the neighbour’s “perfect” child, they always found a way to make you feel like you weren’t good enough. If you did well, it wasn’t celebrated—it was just expected. And if you fell short, they were quick to remind you of someone who was doing better. After a while, it can leave you struggling with self-worth, always feeling like you have to prove yourself to be valued.
4. They dismissed your feelings as dramatic or attention-seeking.
Anytime you tried to express sadness, frustration, or even excitement, they would shut you down. “You’re overreacting,” “You’re so sensitive,” or “Stop being dramatic” were common responses. This teaches you to suppress your emotions rather than process them in a healthy way, making it hard to trust your own feelings as an adult.
5. They used the silent treatment as punishment.
Instead of addressing issues directly, they would freeze you out, sometimes for hours or even days. They wouldn’t explain what you did wrong, just left you in an emotional void, waiting for you to “fix” the situation. The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation that creates anxiety and fear, leaving you feeling like you have to constantly earn their approval.
6. They controlled you through fear.
Instead of guiding you with love and understanding, they ruled through intimidation. You may have felt nervous to come home with bad news, scared to ask for help, or constantly worried about their reaction. Even if they weren’t physically aggressive, the unpredictability of their moods and their ability to make you feel small was enough to keep you on edge.
7. They expected total loyalty, even when they were wrong.
If there was ever a disagreement between them and someone else, you were expected to take their side, no questions asked. If you ever challenged their views or suggested they might be in the wrong, they took it as a personal betrayal. That kind of behaviour creates a toxic dynamic where you feel obligated to agree with them, even when it goes against your own values or well-being.
8. They twisted your words to make themselves the victim.
If you ever tried to call them out on their behaviour, they would somehow turn it around so that they were the one who was hurt. Suddenly, you were the “bad guy” for pointing out how they made you feel. Emotional bullies are experts at making you doubt yourself, leaving you feeling guilty for even bringing up your own pain. As a result, you end up keeping everything to yourself or even compartmentalising your feelings so you don’t have to confront the way you feel.
9. They controlled your decisions, even as you got older.
Whether it was your choice of friends, career, or partner, they always had an opinion — and it wasn’t just a suggestion. If you didn’t do things their way, they would find ways to make you regret it, whether through guilt, anger, or passive-aggressive comments. Even in adulthood, you might still feel their influence, struggling to make decisions without hearing their voice in your head.
10. They made jokes at your expense and called it “tough love.”
Criticism was disguised as humour, and if you ever got upset, they’d tell you to “lighten up” or “learn to take a joke.” Their words stung, but you were made to feel like the problem for not laughing along. Constant belittling, whether in private or in front of other people, can damage self-esteem, making you doubt your worth even when you know you’re capable and deserving.
11. They held past mistakes over your head.
They never truly let things go. Even years later, they would bring up things you did wrong as if they had only happened yesterday. No matter how much you apologised or tried to move on, they always had an old mistake ready to throw back at you. Holding onto past wrongs is a way of keeping control, ensuring you never feel like you can fully move on or stand up for yourself.
12. They used love as a reward, not a guarantee.
Instead of offering unconditional love, they made affection and approval something you had to earn. If you did what they wanted, they were warm and kind. But if you stepped out of line, they could withdraw love just as quickly. That kind of parenting can leave you constantly seeking validation, afraid that love is something that can be taken away at any moment.
13. They dismissed your successes as “no big deal.”
When you accomplished something, they either downplayed it or acted like it wasn’t a big deal. If you got good grades, landed a job, or achieved a goal, they either took credit for it or acted unimpressed. It can lead to a constant feeling of “never being enough,” making it hard to celebrate your own wins as an adult. You miss out on celebrating all the fruits of your success because you’ve been taught to think it’s nothing notable.
14. You feel anxious around them, even now.
Perhaps the biggest sign that your parent was an emotional bully is how you feel around them now. If you find yourself bracing for criticism, over-explaining your choices, or feeling drained after interactions, it’s a sign of deep-rooted emotional conditioning. Healthy parental relationships feel safe, supportive, and accepting. If yours feels more like a battlefield, it’s worth recognising that their behaviour wasn’t normal—it was emotional bullying.
