If you’ve ever found yourself caught in unhealthy relationships or repeating toxic dating patterns, join the club.
Whether it’s ignoring red flags, over-giving in one-sided relationships, or accepting behaviours that drain your mental and emotional health, these cycles are incredibly common — and they can be really hard to break. That being said, healing is possible, and it doesn’t require following some influencer guru or reading a million self-help books. It starts with self-awareness, self-compassion, and a commitment to change. The process takes time, but every step forward brings you closer to healthier, more fulfilling connections. Here’s how to get on the right track once and for all.
1. Recognise your patterns — we all have them.
Healing begins with being real with yourself. If you find yourself repeatedly stuck in toxic relationships, take a moment to think about what’s really going on. What patterns keep cropping up? Do you tend to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people? Are you ignoring red flags because you want to believe the best in someone, even when they’re showing you otherwise? Or maybe you’re constantly trying to prove your worth, putting your partner’s needs above your own?
Identifying your patterns gives you the power to break the cycle. Instead of beating yourself up for past choices, use these insights as stepping stones for growth. The more you understand your own behaviour, the better equipped you’ll be to make healthier decisions moving forward.
2. Stop blaming yourself for past mistakes.
It’s easy to look back on past relationships and feel like you failed in some way. Maybe you stayed too long in the wrong relationship, ignored warning signs, or made choices you regret. It happens to the best of us. It’s important to remember that beating yourself up won’t help you heal — it just keeps you stuck in a place of guilt and regret.
Instead of focusing on what you could have done differently, recognise that at the time, you were doing the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had. Mistakes are a natural part of growth, and they don’t define you. What matters now is that you’re learning from those experiences and choosing to do things differently next time.
3. Take time to understand your attachment style.
Your attachment style plays a big role in how you relate to other people in relationships. If you’re someone who feels anxious when your partner pulls away, or you tend to avoid emotional closeness altogether, understanding your attachment style can be incredibly helpful. There are different attachment styles — secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised — and they all impact how we behave in relationships.
By understanding which style you align with, you can begin to recognise patterns that may have contributed to past toxic relationships. Once you know your attachment style, you can consciously work on cultivating healthier, more secure connections with people. It’s amazing how much of a difference this can make!
4. Set clearer boundaries (and actually stick to them).
If you’ve found yourself in a pattern of toxic dating, weak or unclear boundaries might be a big part of the problem. Maybe you’ve let things slide to avoid arguments or ignored your own needs to keep the peace. Healing from toxic dating means getting really clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not — and sticking to those boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable.
It’s okay to say no, it’s okay to walk away when you’re being disrespected, and it’s definitely okay to refuse to tolerate behaviours that drain your energy. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s a form of self-respect. When you set and uphold your boundaries, you’re sending a message to yourself (and other people) that your needs matter.
5. Work on your self-worth.
One of the biggest reasons people stay in toxic relationships is because they don’t feel like they deserve better. If you’ve ever stuck around hoping someone would change or treat you better, it might be because deep down, you didn’t fully believe you deserved more. Building your self-worth is all about recognising that you’re enough just as you are. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.
The more you embrace this truth, the less likely you are to settle for relationships that aren’t in alignment with your worth. When you realise your value, you’ll stop putting up with less than you deserve. Funny how that works!
6. Pay attention to how people make you feel.
Instead of obsessing over whether someone likes you, ask yourself: How do I feel when I’m around them? Do they bring out peace and positivity, or do they make you feel anxious or insecure? Do you feel respected, valued, and supported, or are you constantly questioning where you stand? Your feelings matter just as much as theirs.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and genuine connection. If a relationship makes you feel anxious or uncertain, it’s a sign that it might not be the right fit. Pay attention to how other people make you feel, and choose partners who contribute to your sense of well-being.
7. Learn to enjoy your own company.
If you’ve found yourself jumping from one relationship to another, it might be time to take a break and focus on yourself. Getting comfortable in your own company is a huge step in the healing process. When you learn to enjoy being single, you build independence and self-sufficiency. You stop settling for relationships just to avoid being alone, and instead, you begin choosing partners from a place of strength and desire, not need. When you’re content on your own, you’ll stop tolerating relationships that drain you. You’ll only welcome connections that add value to your life.
8. Let go of the idea that you can fix someone.
A big trap in toxic dating is the belief that you can “fix” someone. If you’ve ever stayed in a relationship hoping that your love could change someone, you’re definitely not alone. But the truth is, people change when they choose to, not because someone else wants them to. Your job isn’t to fix anyone; it’s to find someone who’s already emotionally healthy and available.
Healing from toxic dating means letting go of the idea that you need to save someone and, instead, focusing on building a relationship with someone who’s already whole and ready for a healthy connection. It’s so much less exhausting, and way more fulfilling, too.
9. Stop mistaking intensity for love.
Not every relationship that feels intense or passionate is healthy. If you’re used to dramatic highs and lows, constant breakups and makeups, or feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, it’s time to reassess. True love doesn’t feel like a battlefield. Healthy relationships are steady, supportive, and safe. If a relationship constantly feels like chaos or unpredictability, it’s likely a sign of toxicity, not love. Let go of the belief that love must be intense to be real, and embrace the peace and consistency that healthy relationships bring.
10. Learn to trust yourself again.
After experiencing toxic relationships, it’s easy to start doubting your own judgement. Maybe you feel like you always choose the wrong people or miss the red flags. But healing means learning to trust yourself again. Trust isn’t about never making mistakes — it’s about listening to your instincts, recognising when something feels off, and taking steps to honour your needs. The more you practise self-trust, the better you’ll get at recognising what’s right for you, and the more empowered you’ll feel in your dating decisions.
11. Surround yourself with supportive people.
Healing from toxic relationships isn’t something you have to do alone. It’s so important to surround yourself with supportive people — friends, family, or even a therapist who can offer guidance and encouragement. The people in your life should lift you up, remind you of your worth, and help you stay focused on your goals.
They should also challenge you to raise your standards, not push you back into unhealthy relationships. Having a solid support system can make all the difference as you work through the healing process.
12. Get comfortable with healthy relationships.
If you’re used to the chaos and drama of toxic relationships, it might feel strange at first when things are calm and steady. But that’s because your nervous system has been conditioned to expect emotional turmoil. It takes time to adjust, but once you realise that peace, respect, and stability are the foundation of real love, you’ll stop craving the toxic patterns you once thought you needed.
Healthy relationships might feel boring at first, but that’s just because they’re built on trust and consistency — things that are necessary for long-term happiness. Once those things are in place, you’ll realise what you were missing out on all along.
13. Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know before.
It’s easy to look back and think you should’ve known better, or wonder why you didn’t leave sooner. But you were doing the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Forgiveness means letting go of the guilt and accepting that you did the best you could, even if it wasn’t perfect. Use those past experiences as lessons, not as reasons to keep yourself stuck in regret.
The most important thing is that you’re moving forward with the wisdom you’ve gained and choosing to build a healthier future. Let past you guide present you, and future you will be so much better off.
14. Believe that love doesn’t have to hurt.
If toxic relationships have been your norm, part of healing is realising that love shouldn’t hurt. Healthy love feels safe, kind, and supportive — it’s not something you have to work hard for or prove you deserve. When you start believing that you deserve a peaceful, supportive relationship, you’ll stop tolerating anything less.
You’ll begin choosing differently, and when you do, you’ll see that healing is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. True love doesn’t have to be a battle, you know. It’s meant to be a safe place where you can both grow and thrive.
