Growing up feeling unloved changes you at your core, even into adulthood.
It’s a feeling that stays with you, and it can shape the way you see yourself, how you interact with other people, and the way you handle emotions as a whole. It’s not all bad news, though; it’s totally possible to heal from the neglect you experienced and start to build your self-worth and confidence in meaningful ways. It’s not easy, but you can start by doing these things, which will definitely help.
1. Accept that your feelings are valid.
It’s easy to downplay your experiences or tell yourself that other people had it worse. Maybe they did, but if you felt unloved, that feeling is real and valid. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away — it just buries it deeper. Acknowledging that you were hurt is the first step in moving forward. Besides, letting yourself recognise the pain doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck in it. It just means you’re giving yourself permission to process what happened so you can heal from it.
2. Challenge the negative beliefs you developed.
When a child feels unloved, they often grow up believing they’re unworthy of love. That belief can follow you into adulthood, affecting relationships and self-esteem. Of course, just because you were treated that way doesn’t mean it was ever true. Start questioning those thoughts. Would you tell a friend they’re unworthy because of how someone else treated them? Probably not. The same applies to you.
3. Learn to reparent yourself.
Healing often means giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child. Reparenting involves showing yourself the love, care, and reassurance you missed out on. It might mean speaking to yourself with kindness, allowing yourself to rest, or setting healthy boundaries. Think about what you needed to hear as a child, and start saying it to yourself now. It won’t erase the past, but it can help create a new sense of security.
4. Recognise that you are not your past.
It’s easy to feel trapped by childhood experiences, as if they define who you are. But while they may have shaped parts of you, they don’t determine your future. You are not the same helpless child you once were. Every day is a chance to rewrite the story you tell yourself. You have the power to choose how you want to live now, separate from the pain you endured.
5. Stop looking for love from emotionally unavailable people.
If you grew up feeling unloved, you might find yourself drawn to people who mirror that same emotional distance. It’s not intentional, but sometimes the familiar feels comfortable, even when it’s unhealthy. Breaking this cycle starts with recognising when you’re chasing validation from someone incapable of giving it. Real love doesn’t feel like a constant fight to be seen.
6. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care.
You can’t change the past, but you can choose who’s in your life now. Spend time with people who encourage you, respect your boundaries, and make you feel valued. Healthy relationships can help you reshape the way you see love and connection. Love doesn’t have to come from family. Sometimes, the most healing relationships are the ones you choose for yourself.
7. Learn to self-soothe.
If you weren’t comforted as a child, it might be tough to know how to calm yourself in moments of distress. But you can teach yourself now. Small things like deep breathing, listening to music, or even holding your own hand can make a difference. Self-soothing doesn’t mean ignoring your emotions, but rather learning how to comfort yourself in ways you never learned growing up.
8. Get good at setting boundaries.
When you weren’t given love and respect as a child, it’s easy to tolerate mistreatment from other people, but setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It teaches people how to treat you and reminds you that your needs matter. Saying no, limiting contact with toxic people, or even just walking away from conversations that feel hurtful are all steps toward protecting your emotional health.
9. Work with a therapist or counsellor to process your experiences.
Healing from childhood wounds isn’t always easy to do alone. Therapy can provide guidance, validation, and tools to work through deep-rooted emotions. Speaking to someone who understands trauma can help you process your past in a safe way. You don’t have to have everything figured out on your own. Sometimes, getting help is the strongest thing you can do for yourself.
10. Be patient with yourself.
Healing isn’t a straight path. Some days, you might feel like you’ve moved forward, and others, the old pain might resurface. That’s normal. Progress isn’t about never feeling hurt again; it’s about learning to navigate those feelings with more compassion. Give yourself the same patience you would give someone else who’s healing. You’re allowed to take your time.
11. Find ways to express your emotions.
If you grew up suppressing emotions, it might feel unnatural to express them now. Unfortunately, bottling things up only creates more pain. Finding healthy outlets like journaling, art, or talking to a trusted friend can help release emotions in a way that feels safe. Expressing your feelings doesn’t make you weak. It helps you process and move forward.
12. Stop blaming yourself for what happened.
As children, we assume our caregivers are right about everything, including how they treat us. If they were distant, critical, or unkind, it’s easy to internalise that as something you caused. But you weren’t responsible for their actions. You didn’t deserve to be neglected or unloved. The way people treated you was a reflection of them, not of your worth.
13. Focus on what you can control now.
Dwelling on the past won’t change what happened, but focusing on your present can help shape your future. What habits, relationships, and choices support your healing? What makes you feel safe and valued? Taking small steps toward self-care, even when it feels difficult, helps flip your focus from what was missing to what you can build now.
14. Allow yourself to experience love in new ways.
If you grew up without love, it’s easy to believe it’s not meant for you. The thing is, love exists in many forms, and sometimes, it shows up in ways you don’t expect. A kind friend, a supportive partner, or even a pet can offer love that feels safe. Love isn’t just something you receive; it’s something you give to yourself, too. Letting love in starts with believing you deserve it.
15. Recognise that healing is possible.
Feeling unloved as a child doesn’t mean you’re destined to carry that pain forever. Healing takes time, but every step you take brings you closer to the peace and self-acceptance you deserve. The past may have shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define your future. You have the power to create a life filled with love, even if it looks different from what you once imagined.
