It’s easy to assume everybody sees the world like you do, but that’s usually not the case.
That’s where empathy comes in. Even if you haven’t been through something, you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagine what they must be going through and how they must feel. Unfortunately, not everyone is capable of doing that, nor do they care to. Sometimes people say stuff that shows they’re not even trying to understand where you’re coming from. If they ask any of these questions, it’s pretty clear they’re missing the empathy gene.
1. “Why don’t you just get over it?”
When someone tosses this at you, they’re basically brushing off all the complex emotions and effort it takes to heal from something. It’s like they think you can flip a switch and instantly feel fine. Instead of acknowledging that healing takes patience (and sometimes outside help), they’re making you feel like you’re the problem for still being affected.
In reality, nobody just “gets over” hurt without time, support, and sometimes a lot of soul-searching. People who say stuff like this are either uncomfortable with your feelings or just don’t want to deal. Genuine empathy means understanding that everyone has their own process, no matter how long it takes.
2. “Can’t you handle this on your own?”
This one hints you should be some lone wolf who never needs a shoulder to lean on. But the truth is, humans are wired to help each other out. Doing everything solo can be exhausting and isolating, and expecting you to manage alone seriously misses the point of community.
It also sends the message that asking for help is a sign of weakness, when in reality, it often takes more courage to admit you need support. An empathetic person recognises that we all lean on friends or family at one time or another. If someone demands you “handle it on your own,” they’re just not seeing the bigger picture.
3. “Are you still stuck on that?”
By saying this, they’re acting like your hurt or worry should’ve magically evaporated by now. It suggests you’re dragging your feet on moving forward, and that’s pretty invalidating. Maybe you’re still wrestling with something that left a big mark—healing doesn’t follow a neat calendar.
Everyone has their own pace for working through tough stuff, and it’s normal to revisit your feelings if they haven’t fully settled. A genuinely empathetic person gets that it’s not a crime to still be affected by something. If you’re labelled as “stuck,” they’re basically telling you to speed up for their convenience.
4. “Why is this such a big deal?”
When someone throws this at you, they’re straight-up questioning whether your feelings matter. Just because it might seem small to them doesn’t mean it’s small to you. Everyone has unique sensitivities and backstories that colour how they react to different situations.
A real show of empathy would be trying to figure out why you’re upset, instead of telling you not to be. Dismissing your experience as “no biggie” is basically ignoring what’s going on in your head. A friend who actually cares will want to understand your feelings, not brush them aside.
5. “Why don’t you understand where I’m coming from?”
On the surface, this might sound like a reasonable question, but it’s usually code for “I shouldn’t have to explain myself.” They’re assuming you can read their mind or magically see their perspective with zero effort on their part. Communication doesn’t work like that—both sides have to try.
If they’re annoyed you don’t instantly get them, maybe they need to clarify or be more patient. Different life experiences shape how we interpret things, so expecting instant understanding is unrealistic. A little back-and-forth, plus some genuine listening, goes a long way in bridging any gap.
6. “Can’t you take a joke?”
This classic line often shows up right after someone says something mean-spirited and tries to dodge accountability by calling it “humour.” It conveniently shifts the blame onto you for being too sensitive rather than owning up to crossing a line.
In reality, jokes shouldn’t feel like an attack. Sure, humour can be subjective, but if someone is legitimately hurt, it’s worth having a second look at what was said. A truly empathetic person would apologise if they unintentionally caused pain, not double down and accuse you of lacking a sense of humour.
7. “Is it really that bad?”
With this question, they’re casting doubt on whether your struggles are legit. They’re basically telling you it shouldn’t be a big deal, which can make you feel like your experiences or feelings don’t count. That’s a super quick way to shut down open sharing.
Everyone’s threshold for stress or heartbreak is different. What feels small to them could be huge to you—both are valid. An empathetic approach would be to acknowledge your pain and maybe offer help or at least a listening ear. Minimising your situation just shows they’re not tuning in.
8. “Why don’t you just trust me?”
Trust doesn’t come in a to-go box; it’s something people earn through reliability, honesty, and respect over time. When they demand an explanation for why you’re not handing it over, they’re missing the fact that trust is built, not owed.
Maybe you’ve been burned in the past, or maybe they haven’t proven they’re truly trustworthy yet. Pushing you to trust them right away is a giant red flag that they’re not interested in understanding where you’re coming from. Empathy means they’d appreciate your cautiousness and try to show they’re worthy of your trust.
9. “When will you eventually stop talking about this?”
This is basically a polite (or not-so-polite) way of saying, “I’m over your feelings—why aren’t you?” It’s dismissive and suggests your concerns are old news, even if they’re still weighing on you. You don’t need permission to keep processing what you’re going through.
Sometimes people do get overwhelmed hearing about the same problem, but there’s a much kinder way to set boundaries than demanding you clam up. A caring approach might be: “I want to help, but I’m a bit overwhelmed—can we find another way for you to get support?” Big difference from shutting you down entirely.
10. “Can’t you just start thinking positively about this?”
Sure, thinking positively can help in certain situations, but you can’t slap a smiley face on serious issues and call it therapy. This question often pops up when someone is uncomfortable with genuine negativity or sadness. They’d rather skip the hard part and go straight to the happy ending.
The thing is, difficult emotions don’t disappear because you force optimism on them. You usually have to process and understand them first. An empathetic person would sit with you through the downs, instead of insisting you change your entire outlook instantly.
11. “Are you seriously going to blame me for everything?”
This gem tends to show up when someone wants to dodge any accountability. They flip the script to make it sound like you’re the unreasonable one, even if you’re just pointing out how they hurt you. It’s basically a defensive tactic that slams the door on resolving anything.
When empathy is involved, both parties are open to hearing each other’s perspectives and taking responsibility for their own actions. If someone leaps straight to “So now it’s all my fault?” they’re focusing on feeling attacked instead of understanding what happened. That’s not exactly the path to healthy communication.
12. “Why can’t you just be normal?”
Labelling someone’s behaviour or emotions as “abnormal” is a quick way to invalidate who they are. It suggests there’s a universal standard for what’s “normal,” and that you’re not measuring up. But let’s be real: everybody has quirks, past experiences, and personal preferences that shape them differently.
When a person throws this question at you, they’re basically saying your uniqueness is a problem. A more empathetic perspective would celebrate your differences or at least respect them, rather than trying to shove you into their idea of what’s acceptable.
13. “Why are you making things about you again?”
This one usually shows up when you’re trying to open up and the other person doesn’t want to listen. By saying you’re making it all about yourself, they can shift the focus away from your actual concerns. It’s a sneaky tactic to shut down real conversation.
There’s a difference between hogging the spotlight and sharing your perspective. True empathy means both people get to talk and be heard. If someone’s throwing this accusation around, they might just be dodging your feelings and flipping the blame onto you.
14. “When will you finally learn a lesson?”
This line comes across like a scolding teacher, as if you’re failing some test of life that they aced ages ago. It basically dismisses the fact that growth is messy, and we all learn at different speeds. You’re not automatically a lost cause if you mess up more than once.
Real empathy acknowledges that we learn through trial, error, and even some big fails along the way. Nobody snaps their fingers and magically nails everything. If someone’s talking down to you with this question, they’re just piling on judgement rather than offering any real support.
15. “Why should I have to change for you?”
This question suggests you’re being unreasonable for expecting even the smallest adjustments, regardless of how their behaviour might be affecting you. They’re acting like empathy or compromise is some huge sacrifice, when it’s actually a normal part of healthy relationships.
In reality, we all tweak our habits a bit when we care about someone else’s comfort or well-being. That’s not about totally reshaping your identity—it’s about being considerate. If they’re refusing to even consider small changes that could make you feel heard and respected, they’re not exactly showing a whole lot of empathy.
