As a parent, you want to see your child in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who treats them well.
So, what happens when you just don’t like the person they’re dating? Maybe you’ve noticed red flags, or their personality just doesn’t sit right with you. Whatever the reason, watching your child invest in someone you don’t approve of can be frustrating—and tough to know how to deal with. Push too hard, and they might cling even more tightly to the relationship. Stay quiet, and you risk watching them get hurt. If you’re unsure how to handle the situation, here are some things you can do when you just don’t like your child’s choice of partner.
1. Reflect on why you feel this way.
Before saying anything to your child, take a moment to dig into your own feelings. Are your concerns based on specific behaviours, or do they come from personal preferences or biases? Sometimes, we instinctively react negatively to someone simply because they’re different from what we expected for our child.
If your discomfort is based on something more surface-level—like their job, background, or interests—ask yourself whether it’s truly a problem or just not what you envisioned. If there are deeper concerns, like signs of controlling behaviour or a lack of respect, that’s something worth paying closer attention to.
2. Try not to judge them prematurely.
First impressions aren’t always accurate. Maybe they seemed rude, awkward, or indifferent when you first met them, but that doesn’t necessarily define who they are. Give it time before making up your mind completely. Try spending more time with them in different settings. Some people take a while to open up, and you might find that your initial concerns soften as you see different sides of their personality.
3. Avoid blunt criticism—it won’t work.
Even if you have serious and valid concerns, coming at your child with a list of reasons why their partner isn’t good enough is a sure way to make them defensive. Telling them outright that they’ve made a bad choice will only push them to prove you wrong.
Instead of criticising, ask open-ended questions about the relationship. Encouraging self-reflection is far more effective than outright disapproval. Let them come to their own conclusions rather than feeling like they have to fight for their partner’s reputation.
4. Keep the conversation open.
If your child senses that you don’t like their partner, they may start hiding things from you. The last thing you want is for them to pull away, shutting you out of an important part of their life. Even if you disapprove, make it clear that they can always talk to you about their relationship. Keep communication honest and judgment-free so they know you’re a safe place if things ever go wrong.
5. Focus on specific behaviours, not personality.
If you do bring up concerns, be clear about what’s actually bothering you. Saying, “I just don’t like them” or “They’re not good for you” isn’t helpful and might sound unfair. Instead, point out specific behaviours. “I’ve noticed they dismiss your opinions a lot” or “They don’t seem very supportive when you’re upset” gives your child something to consider rather than just feeling like you’re against the relationship for no reason.
6. Respect their autonomy.
Even if they’re young, your child has the right to make their own relationship choices. Trying to control their love life will only create resentment and make them less likely to listen to your concerns in the future. Instead of pushing them to see things your way, trust that they’ll figure it out. They may need to experience certain relationships to learn important lessons, and your role is to support them without making them feel like you’re against them.
7. Pay attention to their happiness.
Rather than focusing on whether you personally like their partner, take a step back and assess how your child seems in the relationship. Do they seem confident and at ease, or are they more anxious, withdrawn, or unsure of themselves? If they’re happy, it might be worth accepting that you don’t have to love their partner for the relationship to be good for them. Of course, if they seem less like themselves, that’s a sign to keep an eye on things.
8. Keep an eye out for unhealthy patterns.
Disliking someone’s personality is one thing, but spotting signs of a toxic relationship is another. Pay attention to how their partner treats them—do they criticise them a lot? Is there an imbalance in how much effort each person puts in? Emotional manipulation, possessiveness, or a lack of respect are real concerns that you shouldn’t ignore. If you suspect something more serious, it’s worth gently bringing up your observations rather than brushing them off.
9. Offer a bit of guidance without being pushy and forcing your opinion on them.
When you see potential problems, instead of saying, “You need to break up with them,” try asking, “Do you feel fully yourself in this relationship?” or “Do they make you feel supported and valued?” These kinds of questions encourage them to evaluate things on their own terms. Pushing too hard will only make them dig in their heels, while subtle guidance gives them the space to reflect.
10. Be patient—it takes time.
If this relationship is a phase, the worst thing you can do is make it the centre of your conversations with your child. Often, people realise on their own when something isn’t working. Give them time to come to their own conclusions. If you’ve raised them to recognise their worth, they’ll figure it out when they’re ready.
11. Be a positive example of what love looks like.
One of the most powerful ways to influence your child’s views on relationships is by showing them what healthy love looks like. Whether that’s through your own relationship or the way you treat them, they’ll take cues from you. If they see relationships modelled with mutual respect, kindness, and strong boundaries, they’ll be more likely to notice when something feels off in their own.
12. Let them learn from experience.
As much as you want to protect your child, sometimes, they need to experience relationships, good and bad, on their own. It’s how people learn what they truly want and need from a partner. While it’s hard to watch, some lessons can only be learned firsthand. Be their support system, not their roadblock, so that when they do come to you, they know they won’t be met with an “I told you so.”
13. Know when to step in.
If you suspect abuse, manipulation, or something harmful, this is when you don’t just stay silent. Express your concerns calmly and ensure they have a safe space to come to if they ever feel trapped. Even then, it’s important to approach it with care. People in difficult relationships can feel defensive, so instead of demands, offer unwavering support and reassurance.
14. Trust that they’ll figure it out.
At the end of the day, your child has to make their own choices. While you can offer insight and guidance, their relationship is ultimately their responsibility. If you’ve done your job of raising them with strong values and self-respect, trust that they’ll see the truth—whether it takes months or years. In the meantime, your best role is to be there when they need you, no matter what.
