Dealing with toxic people is an all too common experience for most of us, and it’s utterly exhausting.
The worst part is that you often don’t even realise you’re being manipulated until you’re already caught in their web. They don’t always use obvious tactics like yelling or outright demands; instead, they control through subtle emotional pressure, making you feel afraid to upset them, obligated to meet their needs, or guilty for setting boundaries. These tactics, often called the “FOG” method (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt), keep you stuck in unhealthy dynamics longer than you should be. Here are just some of the ways toxic people use these tools to trap you—and how to break free.
1. They make you afraid of their reaction.
One of the biggest reasons people stay in toxic relationships is fear—fear of confrontation, fear of their anger, or fear of how they’ll retaliate. Toxic people condition you to tiptoe around them, making you anxious about setting boundaries or speaking up.
Breaking free starts with recognising that their reactions aren’t your responsibility. You’re not responsible for managing their emotions, and if someone makes you feel unsafe for expressing yourself, that’s a red flag you shouldn’t ignore.
2. They use passive-aggressive punishment.
Instead of directly addressing issues, toxic people often punish you in subtle ways, such as giving you the silent treatment, sarcasm, or making you feel guilty for things you didn’t even realise were a problem. They could just say exactly what’s on their mind and be direct, but that requires a level of emotional intelligence they lack (and have no interest in developing).
Their behaviour creates a sense of obligation to “fix” things, even when you haven’t done anything wrong. The key is to stop playing their game; don’t over-apologise or try to win back their approval. If they have an issue, it’s their responsibility to communicate it directly.
3. They act like you owe them.
They remind you of all the things they’ve done for you, whether it’s helping you in the past, giving you advice, or being there during tough times. While real relationships are built on mutual support, toxic people keep score to make you feel indebted. They definitely keep a running tally of IOUs that they’ll cash in at every available opportunity.
If someone constantly makes you feel like you “owe” them your time, energy, or decisions, it’s a sign of manipulation. Healthy relationships don’t come with strings attached. You’re better off turning away their “help” completely.
4. They guilt-trip you for setting boundaries.
The moment you try to say no, they act hurt or disappointed, making you feel like a bad person for putting yourself first. They might say things like, “I guess I can’t count on you” or “I thought you cared about me.” They refuse to acknowledge that if they cared about you, they wouldn’t push past the limits you’ve set.
Remind yourself that setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s how you protect yourself, and it’s nothing to apologise for. People who genuinely respect you won’t try to manipulate your emotions just because you’re taking care of yourself.
5. They make you feel responsible for their happiness.
If they’re upset, it suddenly becomes your job to fix it. If they’re having a bad day, they expect you to drop everything and be their emotional support system, whether or not you have the energy (or the power) to do so. And God forbid if you’re happy when they’re not—they’ll do everything they can to bring you down to their level.
While supporting loved ones is important, it’s not your job to be their emotional caretaker. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, and someone who constantly places that burden on you is crossing the line.
6. They weaponise their struggles.
They always have a reason why they need more from you, whether it’s their rough childhood, their stressful job, or the way everyone else has treated them badly. They use their struggles as a way to justify their toxic behaviour and keep you feeling guilty. After all, how can you be mad at them when they don’t know any better? (They definitely do, by the way.)
While it’s okay to have compassion, it doesn’t mean you should accept mistreatment. You can care about their pain without letting them use it as a free pass to manipulate you.
7. They make you afraid of losing them.
Whether it’s a partner, friend, or family member, toxic people make it seem like your relationship with them is fragile. They might say things like, “If you really loved me, you’d do this” or “I guess I just don’t matter to you.” That’s classic manipulation, and it’s never okay.
Their behaviour creates fear that if you don’t go along with what they want, they’ll walk away. Of course, real relationships don’t require you to constantly prove your worth. If someone threatens to leave every time they don’t get their way, that’s manipulation, not love. Let them go—you’ll be much better off.
8. They twist the truth to make you doubt yourself.
If you call them out on their behaviour, they might say, “That’s not what happened” or “You’re remembering it wrong.” This is a classic gaslighting technique designed to make you question your own reality. There’s nothing wrong with your memory, though they certainly wish there was.
Trust your instincts. If something feels off, don’t let them rewrite history to make themselves look like the victim. Stand firm in what you know to be true.
9. They create a sense of duty.
They make you feel like it’s your duty to put their needs above yours. This is especially common in family relationships, where toxic relatives may say things like, “Family comes first” or “You owe me for everything I’ve done for you.”
While loyalty is important, it should never come at the expense of your own well-being. Being related to someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to tolerate toxic behaviour. In fact, one of the most powerful things you can do here is put a stop to it.
10. They turn other people against you.
If they don’t get their way, they might start playing the victim and telling other people how “difficult” or “ungrateful” you are, making you feel isolated and guilty for standing up for yourself. This is known as triangulation, and it’s one of the oldest (and most obvious) tricks in the book.
Don’t let them control the narrative. The people who truly know and respect you will see through their manipulation. You don’t need to explain yourself to everyone; your actions will speak for themselves.
11. They guilt you into staying in toxic situations.
Whether it’s a bad relationship, a toxic friendship, or an unhealthy job, they make you feel like you can’t leave without hurting them. They might say things like, “I won’t survive without you” or “You’re abandoning me.” They play on your sense of compassion and empathy to keep you locked into a terrible situation.
This is emotional blackmail. You’re not responsible for saving people from their own problems. Leaving a toxic situation isn’t betrayal—it’s self-care.
12. They make you feel selfish for prioritising yourself.
The moment you start putting yourself first, they act like you’re being selfish or inconsiderate. They may say, “You’ve changed” or “You don’t care about me anymore” as a way to guilt you back into their control. Maybe you have changed—you’ve stopped putting up with the way they treat you and started demanding better from the people in your life!
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. People who truly care about you will support your boundaries, not try to tear them down. If you’re only valuable to them because you’re “weak” in their eyes, that’s a problem.
13. They keep you trapped in cycles of guilt.
Toxic people know how to keep you stuck in a pattern of self-doubt and guilt. Just when you start to feel strong enough to step away, they’ll remind you of how much they’ve “done for you” or how “hurt” they are by your actions.
Breaking free starts with recognising the cycle. Guilt is a powerful tool, but it only works if you allow it to. You don’t owe anyone your peace, especially not someone who uses guilt as a weapon.
