Relationships between parents and their adult children can be even more complicated than when your kids were young.
Sometimes the tension that comes between you isn’t down to one big thing, but a few small habits or patterns that quietly wear away at the connection. If you’re guilty of any of these behaviours, you’re likely causing unnecessary drama and upset in your dynamic.
1. Giving advice when they didn’t ask for it
It comes from a good place—you’ve got experience, and you just want to help. But when advice is given too often or without being asked, it can start to feel like judgement. Even gentle suggestions can come across as criticism, especially if they’re already stressed or unsure of themselves.
Sometimes, they just want to vent or be heard. A simple “Do you want advice or just someone to listen right now?” goes a long way. Giving them room to figure things out while knowing you’re there if needed makes them feel respected and supported, not managed.
2. Making them feel guilty for not calling or visiting enough
It’s hard when you miss them or feel like they’re pulling away, but guilt-tripping them about how often they call or visit rarely brings them closer. Instead, it tends to add pressure and make interactions feel like a chore instead of something they genuinely look forward to.
Let them know you love hearing from them without making it a demand. Keeping things light and warm makes them more likely to reach out on their own. People usually move toward the things that feel good, not the ones that make them feel like they’re failing.
3. Treating them like they’re still a teenager
It’s easy to forget that they’ve grown up when you’ve known them their whole life, but if you’re still speaking to them like they’re 16, it can be frustrating. Adult kids want to be seen as capable, not like they still need constant parenting.
Adjusting your tone and approach to match who they are now helps the relationship grow. It shows you’re paying attention to who they’ve become, not just who they used to be. Respecting that change builds trust and makes them more open with you.
4. Making their choices about you
When they choose a job, a partner, or a parenting style that’s different from what you imagined, it’s not always a rejection of your values; it’s just them living their life. However, if your response is hurt or disappointment, it can make them feel like their choices are never quite enough.
It’s okay to feel surprised, but try not to take it personally. Being supportive, even when their path looks different from yours, lets them feel safe coming to you. That’s when the best, most honest conversations happen.
5. Offering support with strings attached
Helping your adult child with money, childcare, or advice is generous, but if it comes with unspoken expectations, it can create tension fast. They might feel like your support means they owe you, which makes it hard to accept help at all.
If you’re going to help, try to be clear and open about it. Let it be a choice, not a trade. Support feels better on both sides when it doesn’t come with guilt or hidden conditions.
6. Dismissing how different things are now
“When I was your age…” might be a true story, but it doesn’t always land the way it’s meant to. Times really have changed, and what worked decades ago might not apply now. When you lead with comparisons, it can feel like you’re dismissing how hard things are today.
Instead, try asking what it’s like for them. Being curious instead of corrective builds connection. You don’t have to pretend you understand everything; they just want to feel like you’re trying to see things from their perspective.
7. Expecting to be involved in every part of their life
As kids get older, they naturally become more private. That’s not a sign they’re hiding something; it’s just part of becoming their own person. However, if you’re asking for constant updates or getting hurt when they don’t share everything, it can start to push them away.
Letting them choose what they share builds trust. They’re more likely to come to you when they don’t feel obligated to. Respecting their boundaries shows that you value their independence and aren’t trying to control the relationship.
8. Talking more than you listen
It’s easy to fall into storytelling mode, especially if you’re trying to relate or offer wisdom. However, when conversations always shift back to your own experiences, it can leave them feeling unheard or unseen.
Try giving them the floor more often, especially when they’re opening up. A few good questions, some patient listening, and even just being silent while they work through something can make them feel deeply valued. Sometimes the best support is just being fully present.
9. Being critical of their partner
You don’t have to love their significant other, but constant criticism can really damage your relationship with them. Even if you’re trying to protect them or be honest, negative comments about someone they love can feel like a personal attack.
If there are concerns, raise them gently and only when it really matters. Otherwise, try to focus on what’s working and find common ground. If they know you’re rooting for their happiness, they’ll be more willing to hear your concerns when they do come up.
10. Trying to control how they parent
If your adult child has kids, it can be tough not to weigh in on how they’re raising them. However, unless there’s actual harm, it’s important to let them parent their own way, even if it’s not how you would’ve done it.
Offering gentle support instead of stepping in builds trust. Ask how you can help or what they need, instead of offering unsolicited fixes. They’re more likely to welcome your input if it comes with respect and kindness, not correction.
11. Expecting them to carry family traditions without flexibility
Holiday plans, birthdays, routines—they all change as families grow and change. If you’re holding tight to how things used to be and struggling with change, it can make your adult children feel guilty for building their own life rhythms.
Being open to new traditions or compromises helps the relationship evolve. When they see you adjusting with love instead of clinging with resentment, they’re more likely to keep involving you in a way that works for everyone.
12. Sharing opinions about their body, appearance, or lifestyle
Commenting on their weight, clothes, or how tired they look might feel harmless or even caring, but it often lands the wrong way. It can feel intrusive, especially when it touches on insecurities they don’t talk about out loud.
Instead, try complimenting their energy, creativity, or how they handle tough things. Encouraging words that go beyond surface-level appearances help build deeper connection and show that you’re noticing who they are, not just how they look.
13. Comparing them to siblings, cousins, or friends’ kids
Even subtle comparisons can sting. It might seem like a throwaway comment—“Your brother’s already finished his degree,” or “Your cousin just bought a house”—but these things can feel like quiet reminders that they’re not measuring up.
Focusing on their unique path shows that you respect their journey. Everyone grows at different speeds and in different ways, and when you recognise that, it brings closeness rather than competition.
14. Holding on to past mistakes they’ve already outgrown
It’s hard to forget the rough patches, especially if their choices once caused real hurt. But if they’ve apologised and grown, bringing it up again and again only reinforces shame and distance in the relationship.
Trust is rebuilt over time, but holding onto the past keeps both of you stuck. Acknowledging how far they’ve come, even in small ways, helps build a foundation that’s rooted in growth, not resentment.
15. Forgetting that they want a relationship, not just a role
They’re not just your child; they’re a full person with their own thoughts, habits, quirks, and life outside of being “the son” or “the daughter.” Sometimes, tension builds when they feel like they’re only seen in one role and not as the multidimensional person they’ve become.
Showing interest in who they are now, asking about their passions, or just spending time without expectations helps shift the dynamic. The strongest parent-adult child bonds are the ones where love grows alongside mutual respect, not through duty, but through real connection.
