Trauma bonds form when emotional abuse gets tangled up with moments of affection, apology, or intensity.
It’s extra confusing because it doesn’t feel like a one-sided nightmare all the time—there are highs, too. That’s what makes it hard to leave. When a narcissist is involved, the bond gets even more complicated because they know how to charm, manipulate, and twist your sense of reality until you’re not sure what’s real anymore. If you’ve ever felt strangely addicted to someone who also hurts you, here are some signs you might be caught in a trauma bond with a narcissist.
1. You defend them when you know they’ve done harm.
Even when their actions hurt, you find yourself explaining them away—to yourself or to other people. You might say things like, “They’ve just had a hard life,” or “They’re not always like that.” That’s not loyalty. It’s survival thinking. That kind of defence usually happens when you’ve been trained to see their good side as the “real” them, and their harmful side as just a glitch. However, both exist, and excusing one to hang onto the other keeps the cycle going.
2. You feel addicted to the highs after every low.
Source: Unsplash The relationship feels like a rollercoaster. When it’s bad, it’s awful. When it’s good, it feels euphoric, and that whiplash creates a chemical loop that’s hard to break. You crave the rare moments of closeness even more after being devalued or ignored. That’s the emotional bait-and-switch at the heart of a trauma bond. The extreme contrast between affection and cruelty makes the affection feel more intense than it actually is.
3. You obsess over fixing things, even when they don’t.
Instead of looking at what they’re doing, you focus on how you can “be better,” calm them down, or keep the peace. It feels like if you can just say the right thing or act the right way, things will go back to normal. This pressure to fix everything keeps you hooked. Meanwhile, they rarely take responsibility or put in the same emotional effort. However, because you care so deeply, you keep trying—and that emotional investment makes it harder to walk away.
4. You don’t feel safe sharing your full truth.
You’ve likely learned that honesty isn’t always safe in this dynamic. You might sugarcoat your emotions, avoid conflict, or stay silent about things that hurt you because you know it’ll only start a fight or trigger manipulation. As time goes on, this leads to isolation and deep self-doubt. You start to lose touch with what you actually think or feel because you’re too busy scanning the environment for signs of danger or disapproval.
5. You cling to the person they were at the beginning.
In the early stages, narcissists often put on the charm. They’re attentive, romantic, and seem deeply interested in you. But once they feel secure in the bond, that version of them fades, and you’re left chasing a ghost of who they used to be. It’s that early version you keep hoping will come back. Occasionally, they might pretend to be that person again—just long enough to reset the hook. That flicker of “what was” becomes the anchor you can’t seem to let go of.
6. You feel responsible for their emotions.
If they’re upset, it feels like your fault. If they explode or go cold, you blame yourself for triggering it, even if they were the one acting out of line. It becomes your job to manage their moods and avoid making waves. That constant emotional caretaking is exhausting, but it also creates a false sense of control. If you can keep them happy, maybe they won’t hurt you. However, the reality is, their behaviour isn’t something you can control—it’s something they choose.
7. You feel guilty thinking about leaving.
Even if the relationship is clearly unhealthy, the idea of leaving fills you with dread. You worry about what will happen to them, how they’ll cope, or if it’ll make you the “bad one.” That guilt is a huge red flag of a trauma bond. Narcissists often play into this by acting helpless or threatening collapse if you walk away. It keeps you trapped in a cycle of caretaking, even when you’re the one suffering most.
8. You constantly question your own perception.
When you bring up something that hurt you, they might twist the story, deny it happened, or claim you’re exaggerating. Eventually, you start to wonder if you’re the problem—if maybe you are too sensitive or remembering things wrong. This tactic, known as gaslighting, is a favourite tool of narcissists. It keeps you dependent on their version of events and makes it hard to trust your own intuition, which is exactly where they want you.
9. Your self-esteem has all but disappeared.
You may not even realise it at first, but over time, the way they criticise, ignore, or manipulate you starts to wear you down. You might second-guess your worth, question your attractiveness, or feel like nothing you do is good enough. Because you’re wrapped up in the cycle, you might start to believe they’re right. That erosion of self-trust is a huge sign that a trauma bond has formed, especially when it happens so slowly that you barely notice.
10. You feel like no one else would understand.
Part of what keeps trauma bonds intact is secrecy. Narcissists often isolate their partners, subtly or overtly, until it feels like nobody else would believe or “get” what’s going on. You stop talking about it, and the silence adds another layer of shame. This isolation makes it easier for the narcissist to control the narrative and harder for you to reach out. However, connection is what breaks the cycle—healing starts when you speak your truth and find people who actually hear you.
11. You experience withdrawal when they pull away.
When they give you the cold shoulder or disappear emotionally, it feels like panic. You might feel shaky, obsessive, or even physically unwell. That’s because your body has become hooked on the emotional highs and lows. It’s not love; it’s chemical dependency. The intense lows trigger a need for relief, and when they finally give you a breadcrumb of affection, it feels like everything’s okay again. But it’s not. It’s just another cycle beginning.
12. You can predict their reactions before they even speak.
You know exactly what will set them off, what tone they’ll use, and which words will start a fight. You’ve learned to read their moods with expert-level precision—not because you’re close, but because you’ve had to for emotional safety. That hypervigilance is common in trauma bonds. It keeps you constantly on edge, even during calm moments. And the worst part? You stop noticing how much energy you’re burning just trying to keep things “okay.”
13. You confuse chaos for connection.
In a trauma bond, the emotional chaos starts to feel like intensity, and that intensity can be mistaken for passion, love, or depth. You may feel more “alive” around them, but it’s often just your nervous system reacting to the highs and lows. Healthy love feels safer, quieter, and more stable, and after a trauma bond, that might initially feel boring. But boredom isn’t the same as emptiness. It might actually be peace, and learning to sit with that peace is where real healing begins.
