As kids grow up and build their own lives, the parent-child dynamic naturally changes.
However, while adult children are carving out independence, their parents are often adjusting to the emotional weight of feeling less needed, less included, or less connected. Sometimes, even small behaviours from grown kids can leave a deep wound, and usually without any awareness that it’s happening. These are just some of the things adult children often do that unintentionally hurt their parents more than they could ever imagine. Don’t feel bad, but if you’re guilty of any of these, maybe try to be a bit more aware moving forward.
1. Only calling when they need something
Parents want to feel wanted, but not just when there’s a problem. If most interactions start with “Can you help me with…” or “I need a favour,” it can start to feel like the relationship is transactional. After a while, this pattern can make parents feel used, not loved. They want to be there for you, but they also want to know you’d call even if you didn’t need anything.
2. Dismissing their advice too quickly
As an adult, it’s healthy to make your own decisions, but when you shut your parents down mid-sentence or brush off their input with a laugh, it can feel disrespectful, even if that’s not your intention. What sounds like independence to you might sound like rejection to them. They still want to feel wise and useful sometimes, even if you don’t take every suggestion to heart.
3. Not initiating contact or visits
If the only reason you’re in touch is because they reached out, they notice. Over time, that imbalance starts to sting. It can feel like they’re chasing a relationship you no longer care to maintain. Even little things like sending a photo, checking in, or suggesting a visit can go a long way. Parents just want to know they’re on your mind too, not just theirs.
4. Minimising the sacrifices they made
It’s common to look back and see what your parents got wrong—but forgetting what they got right can quietly hurt them. This is especially true when they spent years showing up in ways they never talked about. They may not want praise, but hearing that their sacrifices mattered—financially, emotionally, practically—helps them feel seen. Dismissing those efforts can feel like rewriting the past in a way that erases their love.
5. Comparing them to other parents
Even casual remarks like “So-and-so’s mum never does that” or “You’re not like other dads” can cut deeper than you mean them to. No parent likes feeling like they’re being measured against someone else. What feels like a throwaway comment to you might leave them wondering if they were ever enough. They rarely say so out loud—they just carry it quietly.
6. Acting embarrassed by them in public or online
Eye-rolls, jokes about how out-of-touch they are, or avoiding including them in posts can leave parents feeling excluded or unwanted. They might laugh along, but it still registers as rejection. You don’t have to fake enthusiasm, but basic respect goes a long way. When parents feel proud of you, they want to feel like you’re proud of them too, even in small, everyday ways.
7. Assuming they’re fine with not being included
You might think they wouldn’t want to come to that gathering, or that they wouldn’t enjoy that part of your life, but when you stop inviting altogether, they stop feeling welcome. Even if they decline, the invite matters. It says, “You still have a place here.” Without that, they’re left wondering whether they were quietly replaced by newer relationships or habits.
8. Forgetting their birthdays or milestones
Life gets busy, but forgetting the dates that matter to your parents doesn’t just feel like a small slip. It can read as disinterest or emotional distance, especially if it becomes a pattern. You don’t need to throw a party. Just a thoughtful message, call, or card reminds them they still matter. That their life events are still part of yours, even if you’re not under the same roof anymore.
9. Shutting them out of major life decisions
You don’t have to ask for permission, but leaving them completely in the dark about things like moving, changing careers, or relationship changes can feel alienating. Even if you’re fully independent, your life is still emotionally tied to theirs. Letting them in—if only to share, not consult—helps them feel connected, not pushed away.
10. Criticising how they handled your childhood without full context
It’s natural to look back with clarity and unpack things that didn’t sit right. However, when that becomes the only lens you use, it can leave parents feeling like everything they did was wrong. They were likely doing their best with what they had. Acknowledging that complexity, while still holding space for your truth, keeps the conversation fair and human, not just critical.
11. Making them feel like a burden
When parents age, they often need more help—emotionally, practically, or even just for company. Acting like those needs are annoying or inconvenient creates shame they rarely voice. They don’t want to be a drain. They just want to stay part of your world. Showing patience, even when it’s hard, lets them know they’re still valued, not just tolerated.
12. Not showing interest in their lives anymore
You might not ask how work is going, what they’ve been reading, or how they’re feeling emotionally—not out of malice, but because you assume they’re just “doing their thing.” However, parents still want to feel interesting and worth checking in on. Being a grown child doesn’t mean you stop being curious about them. That interest is part of what makes them feel close to you.
13. Keeping emotional walls up without explaining why
If something’s changed between you—more distance, less warmth—but you never explain it, your parents are left to fill in the blanks. They feel the change, but don’t know how to repair it. They may assume they hurt you, or that you’ve simply outgrown the connection. And that quiet ache can linger, especially when they don’t feel allowed to ask about it directly.
14. Only showing up when things are falling apart
You vanish during calm periods, then reappear in times of crisis. While they’re glad to support you, it can feel like you only value the relationship when you’re down, not when things are stable or good. Consistent connection, even in small doses, builds more trust than dramatic re-entries. It reminds them that you don’t just see them as emergency contact, but as a steady part of your life.
15. Forgetting that they’re still learning how to be parents to an adult
Your parents weren’t handed a manual on how to transition from parenting a child to supporting an adult. They make mistakes. They might still treat you like you’re younger than you are. But they’re trying. Giving them a little grace, and sometimes gently explaining what you need, can go a long way. You’re both navigating a version of the relationship that’s new, and mutual understanding makes that path a lot easier to walk.
