In case you haven’t heard the term, a monkey trap is a simple idea.
Basically, if a monkey reaches into a jar to grab something like fruit or nuts, its clenched fist can’t fit back out—and instead of letting go, it stays stuck. People do this too, not with food, but with thoughts, plans, grudges, or ideas they’re too afraid to drop. Here are some signs you’re stuck in a monkey trap mindset, and what actually helps you let go.
1. You keep holding out for an apology that’s never coming.
Even when you know deep down the person isn’t going to say sorry, you can’t stop thinking about it. You replay the situation, imagine how they should’ve reacted, and keep hoping they’ll suddenly realise they were wrong. But all it does is trap you in a cycle of waiting and resentment.
Letting go doesn’t mean saying it was okay—it means accepting you probably won’t get the closure you deserve. You don’t have to like it, but loosening your grip on the fantasy of “what should’ve happened” frees up space for what could happen instead.
2. You’re stuck trying to prove a point.
Whether it’s a conversation that didn’t go your way or a situation where you felt dismissed, you find yourself going over it in your head, figuring out what you should have said. You’re still trying to prove you were right, even if the other person’s long gone or stopped listening.
This one’s tricky because it can feel like standing up for yourself. But if no one’s listening anymore, who are you really performing for? Sometimes the most powerful move is to drop the argument in your head, not because you were wrong, but because you’re tired of dragging it around.
3. You refuse to walk away from something that’s clearly not working.
Whether it’s a job, a relationship, or a situation you’ve invested a lot in, part of you knows it’s not right, but you’re clinging on anyway. You think, “Maybe if I just try a little harder,” or “I’ve already put so much into this,” so you stay stuck. This is the monkey trap in action. You’re afraid that letting go means you wasted your time, but actually, holding on is what keeps wasting it. Cutting your losses isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom wrapped in discomfort.
4. You keep doing things out of guilt, not joy.
You say yes when you don’t want to. You stay in touch with people who drain you. You do things because “it’s the right thing to do” even though it feels awful. And deep down, you know you’re not being honest with yourself.
Guilt is one of the strongest traps there is. It tells you that letting go is selfish, even when it’s exactly what you need. The truth is, you’re allowed to stop doing things just because they make other people happy. You’re not here to live in a loop of obligation.
5. You replay the same mistake over and over.
You know it’s in the past, but your brain keeps hitting rewind. You think about what you should’ve done differently, and even though you’ve already learned the lesson, you keep punishing yourself by reliving it. It’s like you’re holding onto it in case you forget how much it mattered, but you won’t. Letting go of the shame doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. It means trusting yourself enough to stop bleeding from a wound that’s already scabbed over.
6. You’re obsessed with a version of how life should look.
Maybe you thought you’d be somewhere else by now—different job, different house, different relationship. And because reality didn’t line up with the plan, it feels like you’ve failed, even though you’re still doing your best. This trap is especially sneaky because it dresses up as ambition. But not every dream is worth clutching forever. Sometimes it’s not about lowering your standards—it’s about realising your life isn’t broken just because it took a different path.
7. You don’t want to let go of being the one who was wronged.
There’s a strange kind of comfort in being the victim of someone else’s bad behaviour. It gives you a story, a reason, an identity. But if that identity starts defining how you see yourself, it quietly becomes another trap.
You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to have been hurt. That being said, if your whole world is built around what someone else did to you, they’re still controlling the story. Letting go doesn’t mean they didn’t mess up—it means they don’t get to take up space in your head forever.
8. You keep chasing closure from someone who never gave you clarity.
You’ve asked the questions, you’ve sent the texts, you’ve tried to understand what went wrong—but they’ve either gone quiet or given you answers that don’t make sense. Still, part of you can’t stop trying to get that final moment of clarity. It’s totally human, but also exhausting. At some point, you realise the lack of answers is the answer. You’re not going to get a tidy ending. And weirdly, letting that be true can feel like the first real bit of peace you’ve had in a while.
9. You stay angry because it feels safer than moving on.
Anger is energising. It makes you feel strong and in control, especially after someone’s hurt you. So you hold onto it, thinking it’s your shield. However, after a while, it just becomes something heavy you drag around with you. You don’t have to forgive, and you definitely don’t have to forget. However, letting go of the anger doesn’t mean letting them off the hook. It just means choosing your own peace over the constant replay of what they did.
10. You won’t let yourself be wrong, even just a little.
You made a decision, or you said something in the heat of the moment, and now you’re clinging to it—even if you suspect you might’ve messed up. Admitting it feels like defeat, so you double down instead of softening your stance. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to say, “I got that wrong.” Holding onto being right at all costs just locks you into a version of yourself that doesn’t grow. Letting go of the need to be perfect actually makes you feel freer, not smaller.
