At first, narcissists can seem magnetic—charming, confident, even generous.
They know exactly how to win people over, for sure, but once you’re in deep, things start to change, and not in a good way. The warning signs were usually there—you just didn’t know what to call them at the time. Here are some of the most common red flags people often don’t recognise about narcissists until much later—well after the damage is done, and the confusion starts to clear.
1. They say all the right things, too early.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are skilled at mirroring what you want to hear. They’ll shower you with praise, tell you that you’re soulmates, and open up with dramatic vulnerability. It feels intense and special, but it’s not genuine connection. It’s strategy. That early emotional high often distracts you from the fact that you barely know them, and they like it that way.
2. Their compliments feel more like flattery than real insight.
They’ll tell you that you’re amazing, stunning, brilliant—but it rarely gets specific. It feels good at first, but over time, you start to notice that they don’t actually know you. They love the idea of you, not the details. It’s surface-level praise dressed up as deep appreciation, and it’s often a way to hook you quickly before the control sets in.
3. They rush the pace of the relationship.
Everything moves fast. Too fast. Big declarations, future plans, constant communication. It’s intoxicating, but it doesn’t leave much space for clarity or reflection. Narcissists want to create dependency early on so you get emotionally invested before you see the cracks. If something feels rushed or overly intense from the start, it’s worth slowing down and noticing what’s really happening.
4. They’re weirdly competitive with you.
At first, it might look like encouragement. However, as time goes on, it becomes clear that they don’t actually want you to win. They’ll downplay your achievements, change the subject when you share good news, or subtly one-up you in conversation. To a narcissist, your success can feel like a threat. They’ll always find ways to shrink you when you start shining too brightly.
5. Their stories always put them in the best light.
Whether they’re the hero, the victim, or the misunderstood genius, narcissists are always the star of their own narrative. Their stories are full of exaggerated praise or unfair treatment—but never honest self-reflection. If you notice the pattern, they’ll say you’re being critical or unsupportive for pointing it out.
6. They twist conversations when they’re wrong.
Narcissists rarely admit fault. If you bring up something that hurt you, the conversation somehow circles back to how you misunderstood, overreacted, or caused the issue yourself. It’s subtle, but disorienting. You walk away feeling like you were the problem, even when you were the one trying to communicate a boundary.
7. They expect special treatment.
Rules are for other people. Narcissists believe they’re the exception—at work, in relationships, in public. They expect to be prioritised and catered to, and they’ll become passive-aggressive or cold when that doesn’t happen. It might start small, but the sense of entitlement grows. The moment you stop playing along, you’ll see a different side of them.
8. They treat other people like accessories.
Pay attention to how they talk about people who aren’t in the room. Do they value others as full people, or just for what they can offer? Narcissists often collect people for status, utility, or validation, but discard them when they’re no longer useful. If you hear them speak dismissively about friends, exes, or even family, take note. You’re not the exception—you’re just next in line.
9. They overreact to even subtle feedback.
Even the most respectful criticism can trigger a defensive spiral. Narcissists see any suggestion for growth as an attack. They’ll stonewall, lash out, or flip the script entirely. This makes open communication nearly impossible, and it often trains you to stay silent just to avoid drama.
10. They use vulnerability as currency.
They might open up about something painful early on, but it feels more performative than real. It’s not shared for connection—it’s used to hook your empathy or make you feel indebted to them emotionally. Later, they might even use it as a weapon. The same story that made you trust them might resurface in arguments to guilt-trip or manipulate you.
11. They’re always talking, but rarely listening.
Conversations tend to revolve around them. Their day, their stress, their thoughts. When you speak, they might interrupt, change the subject, or offer distracted half-responses. As time goes on, it becomes clear that they don’t actually want to know you. They want an audience, not a connection.
12. They demand loyalty but offer none in return.
Narcissists expect unwavering support, even when they’re clearly in the wrong. But when you need backup or understanding, they’re nowhere to be found—or worse, they criticise you for needing anything at all. Their loyalty is conditional. Yours, however, is expected to be absolute.
13. They create chaos and then play the victim.
They’ll stir the pot, make reckless choices, or start drama, and when consequences hit, they act shocked. Somehow, they’re always the ones being misunderstood, attacked, or treated unfairly. This cycle keeps them at the centre of attention while avoiding accountability. And it leaves you constantly cleaning up the emotional mess.
14. They give just enough to keep you hooked
Right when you start to pull away, they become attentive again. They offer a kind gesture, a sudden apology, a rare moment of warmth. It feels like hope, but it’s usually a tactic to stop you from leaving. This push-pull dynamic creates emotional confusion and keeps you in a loop of waiting for their good side to come back.
15. They rewrite the past to suit the present.
Narcissists are known for selective memory. They’ll deny things they said, change the details of past arguments, or even gaslight you about your own experiences. If you bring up past behaviour, you’ll be told you’re exaggerating or remembering it wrong. This keeps them in control of the narrative, and slowly destroys your confidence in your own perspective.
16. You start feeling like a watered-down version of yourself.
After enough time around a narcissist, you might not recognise yourself. You question your instincts, downplay your needs, and lose the parts of you that felt bold, creative, or free. You’re not as open, not as joyful, not as confident. That slow erosion isn’t accidental—it’s a side effect of being constantly diminished, even if it was masked as love.
