Not everyone who smiles at you or asks for help has good intentions.
Some people are incredibly skilled at making their needs seem innocent, even flattering—until you realise the connection feels one-sided. The signs aren’t always obvious at first, but once you spot them, it gets harder to ignore. These are some of the less obvious behaviours that often suggest someone’s using you, whether for your time, energy, generosity, or emotional labour.
1. They’re incredibly warm—until they get what they want.
Some people know how to turn on the charm right when they need something. They’re affectionate, engaged, and unusually attentive… until the favour is complete. Then their energy changes. Texts slow down. Enthusiasm fades. If you only feel close to them during moments of convenience, that’s not a bond—it’s a transaction disguised as connection.
2. They rarely ask how you’re doing.
The conversation always seems to circle back to them. Their drama, their struggles, their updates. You might share something meaningful, only to be brushed past or redirected. As time goes on, you realise you’re more of a listener than a friend. People who care about you will check in without an agenda. If someone only reaches out when they need a sounding board, you’re being treated like an emotional resource, not an equal.
3. They frame everything in terms of their benefit.
When you make plans, solve problems, or share wins, they tend to twist it into how it affects them. They might act excited, but it’s often because there’s something in it for them—access, attention, convenience. There’s nothing wrong with mutual benefit. But if someone can’t be happy for you without making it about themselves, they’re not really seeing you at all.
4. They guilt-trip you into saying yes.
You don’t feel free to say no without some sort of emotional fallout. Maybe they act disappointed, passive-aggressive, or suddenly distant. Maybe they remind you of past favours or drop little comments that make you feel selfish for setting boundaries. Guilt is one of the easiest ways to control someone. If saying yes feels like the only way to keep the peace, that’s not a healthy dynamic.
5. They disappear when you need support.
When they’re struggling, they expect you to drop everything. However, when the roles reverse, they’re suddenly unavailable, too busy, or quick to change the subject. You might hesitate to reach out because deep down, you already know what the response will be. Supportive relationships aren’t one-way streets. If someone only shows up when the spotlight is on them, they’re not truly invested.
6. They compliment you to keep you compliant.
They’re great at making you feel useful, needed, or amazing—right before asking for something. It sounds like kindness, but it’s often calculated. The praise creates pressure to “stay helpful” or live up to the role they’ve assigned you. Genuine appreciation feels balanced, but when compliments always come with a catch, they’re not compliments—they’re currency.
7. They always seem to be in a low-key crisis.
Every week it’s something. A financial scare, a work issue, a family drama. You feel obligated to step in because they seem overwhelmed, and you’re naturally caring. However, the emergencies never end, and they’re always positioned so you’re the one who can help fix them. Eventually, it stops feeling like support and starts feeling like emotional labour that’s draining your peace.
8. They get defensive when you set boundaries.
Any time you push back, they act confused or offended. They might say you’re being unfair or accuse you of not being there for them. Instead of listening to your needs, they try to make you feel bad for having any. This is a subtle way of training you to be more compliant. Real friends might be surprised, but they’ll respect your boundaries. Users will try to dismantle them.
9. They make your success feel like an inconvenience.
When something good happens for you, their reaction feels lukewarm, or worse, annoyed. They might say the right words, but you can tell they’re uncomfortable. That’s often because your growth threatens the dynamic they benefit from. If someone can only like you when you’re struggling, it’s not empathy—it’s a power imbalance they don’t want to lose.
10. They expect your time, but won’t offer theirs.
You’re always the one rearranging your schedule. Making room. Staying up late. Offering lifts, favours, flexibility. But when you need the same in return, there’s always a reason they can’t do it. That double standard becomes easier to justify when you care. Of course, caring shouldn’t mean constantly putting yourself second.
11. They weaponise your kindness.
The nicer you are, the more they push. They rely on your patience, knowing you’ll probably forgive them. They take advantage of the fact that you won’t cause a scene, won’t retaliate, won’t walk away easily. This isn’t just taking kindness for granted—it’s using it as a way to avoid accountability, and it’s more common than people realise.
12. They only praise you when you’re useful.
You’re amazing when you’ve done them a favour. You’re thoughtful when you’ve bailed them out. But the moment you’re not available or willing, the warmth disappears. You feel valued only when you’re providing something. That kind of love feels conditional, because it is. As time goes on, it really eats away at your self-worth.
13. You leave conversations feeling subtly drained.
It’s not always dramatic. Sometimes you can’t point to one exact moment that felt wrong, but after spending time with them, you feel tired, flattened, or emotionally off. Your energy slowly dips without you even realising it. That’s your nervous system speaking. When your body feels the weight of a one-sided relationship, it’s often before your mind has put it into words.
