All parents want their kids to be open, honest, and emotionally healthy—that’s no secret.
Unfortunately, sometimes the small, everyday stuff we say or do can send the opposite message without us even realising. It’s rarely intentional, of course. It’s usually a result of how we were raised, or the fact that we’re just trying to keep things running smoothly. However, as time goes on, these subtle habits can make kids think their feelings aren’t safe to share.
Here are a few surprisingly common behaviours that might be encouraging emotional shutdown, along with why they’re worth noticing and correcting.
Brushing off their feelings because they “seem fine now”
It’s easy to assume that if a child has stopped crying or seems cheerful again, they’re totally over what upset them. However, kids often suppress emotions to avoid being seen as dramatic, especially if they feel like they won’t be taken seriously. Even if they bounce back quickly, it helps to circle back later and gently check in. Letting them know it’s okay to talk about stuff even after the moment’s passed shows them that emotions aren’t inconvenient—they’re worth understanding.
Making jokes when they’re trying to be serious
Humour is a coping mechanism for a lot of adults, and sometimes we use it to lighten the mood or avoid awkward conversations. But if a child is trying to open up and gets met with a joke, they might feel like their feelings aren’t valid. That doesn’t mean you have to be super serious all the time—it just means giving them space to express what they’re feeling without instantly trying to lighten it. A bit of silence and a curious “tell me more” can go a long way.
Always offering quick solutions instead of listening
When a kid says something like “I’m upset because no one played with me,” it’s tempting to jump straight into fixing mode. We want them to feel better, fast. However, constantly problem-solving can accidentally send the message that their emotions are a problem to fix. Sometimes what they need most is just to feel heard. A simple “that sounds really hard” or “I’d feel sad too” can give them permission to feel what they’re feeling without having to rush through it.
Saying “you’re fine” before checking if they actually are
“You’re fine” slips out easily, especially when there’s no visible injury, or you’re in a rush. But to a child, it can feel like their inner experience isn’t being believed. They may stop trusting their own feelings if they keep being told they’re wrong.
A better approach is to pause and ask. “Are you okay?” or “Do you want to tell me what happened?” gives them room to describe things in their own words. It shows them their feelings are worth pausing for, even if everything looks fine on the outside.
Overusing praise only when they’re happy or cheerful
It’s lovely to praise kids when they’re smiling or being positive, but if that’s the only time they get affirmation, they might learn to suppress other emotions to earn approval. They can start thinking it’s not okay to be anything but happy. Try to offer warmth and connection even when they’re sulky, sad, or angry. A simple “I’m glad you’re telling me how you feel” helps them see that all emotions are welcome, not just the tidy ones.
Comparing their feelings to other people’s
We’ve all said things like “some kids have it worse” or “at least it’s not X.” But to a child, this can feel dismissive. They might start believing their pain doesn’t count unless it’s extreme, and stop sharing altogether. You can still build perspective without invalidating their experience. Try “That does sound hard—want to talk more about it?” first, then explore broader context later if it helps. Let them feel heard before trying to help them reframe it.
Avoiding conversations that feel awkward or messy
If you’re someone who didn’t grow up talking about emotions, it can feel unnatural to dive into those chats with your own child. But when tough topics always get skipped or brushed off, kids learn to stop bringing them up. You don’t need to have all the answers. Just saying “I’m here to listen, even if it’s hard” or “I might not get it right, but I want to understand” can keep that door open. Being available matters more than being perfect.
Getting uncomfortable when they cry
Seeing a child cry can be really hard, especially if your instinct is to stop the tears as fast as possible. However, rushing them through that moment can teach them that tears are something to hide or feel embarrassed about. Instead, try letting the crying happen while staying present. You can sit next to them, offer a cuddle, or just say “I’m right here.” That calm presence teaches them that emotions aren’t scary, and that they don’t have to deal with them alone.
Expecting them to bounce back faster than they can
Sometimes adults expect emotional recovery to be instant, especially if the situation seems minor. But kids, like adults, process things at their own pace. Telling them to move on too soon can shut down their emotional process. Instead of rushing them, give them the space to move through it on their timeline. Ask if they need anything, and let them take the lead. That trust builds emotional safety, and that’s what really helps them grow.
Saying, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about”
This old-school phrase is still surprisingly common, and while it may have been meant to stop a meltdown, it usually causes shame or fear. It teaches kids that expressing upset could lead to punishment. Even if said in frustration, it’s worth catching and replacing with something softer, like “I can see this is hard. Let’s figure it out together.” It’s the difference between control and connection, and kids can feel that change.
Dismissing their “silly” worries
What seems small to us—monsters under the bed, a lost toy, a weird look from a classmate—can feel massive to a child. When their big feelings are waved off with “don’t be silly,” they stop bringing those feelings to you. Instead, validate the fear, even if it feels over the top. “That really scared you, huh?” creates a safe zone. Over time, they learn to talk through things instead of hiding them away in shame.
Telling them how to feel (“don’t be scared,” “be grateful”)
It’s easy to want to steer kids towards more “positive” emotions, especially when they’re spiralling. Of course, telling them what to feel can make them second-guess themselves or feel like they’re failing emotionally. Instead, let their emotions show up first. Once they’ve been heard, then you can gently offer perspective. Emotional resilience isn’t about feeling happy all the time—it’s about knowing you’re allowed to feel everything.
Reacting with anger when they’re emotional
Big emotions can be noisy, messy, and inconvenient, and if you’re tired or overwhelmed, it’s easy to snap. However, yelling or punishing emotional outbursts can teach kids to stuff everything down rather than talk things through. Even if you do lose your temper, coming back to say “I was upset, but I want to hear how you’re feeling too” models what repair looks like. That’s just as important as getting it right the first time.
Avoiding emotional conversations because “they’re too young”
It’s natural to want to shield children from tough topics, but avoiding emotions altogether can leave them confused about what they’re feeling. Kids pick up on tension—even if you don’t name it, they still sense it. You don’t have to give all the details. But using age-appropriate language and asking gentle questions like “How are you feeling about that?” gives them a chance to connect the dots. It shows them emotions aren’t scary. They’re part of being human.
