There comes a moment when the charm starts feeling hollow, the apologies stop adding up, and you begin seeing through the carefully constructed persona of someone who’s been playing games all along.
Narcissists rely on their ability to manipulate, confuse, and stay one step ahead. So when you start waking up to the patterns and stop reacting the way you used to, they notice, and they don’t take it well. Here’s how their behaviour tends to change once you stop being an easy target. Spoiler alert: it’s not good.
1. They suddenly turn themselves into the victim.
Once they sense you’re onto them, they flip the script fast. Suddenly, they’re the one who’s “always tried so hard” or “done everything for you” while you’re painted as the cold, ungrateful one. It’s all about redirecting attention and guilt so you’ll stop questioning them and start feeling bad for pulling away.
It’s not about resolution; it’s about control. Playing the victim puts them back in the emotional spotlight and keeps you feeling like the bad guy for setting boundaries in the first place.
2. They ramp up the sweetness (temporarily).
They’ll dial up the charm like nothing ever happened. Sweet texts, unexpected gifts, grand promises—they pull out all the stops. But it’s not a change of heart. It’s damage control. That sudden wave of affection is designed to confuse you. If they can flood you with kindness, maybe you’ll forget what made you pull back in the first place. It’s manipulation in nicer packaging.
3. They question your memory and sanity.
This is classic gaslighting. They’ll act like conversations never happened, twist your words, or accuse you of being overly sensitive. It’s not about what’s true; it’s about making you doubt yourself just enough to second-guess what you’re seeing clearly. When you start to wonder, “Am I overreacting?” they’ve already regained some of the power you were taking back.
4. They guilt-trip using your past.
If you’ve ever made a mistake or leaned on them during a tough time, expect that to come flying back at you now. They’ll remind you of your lowest moments to flip the focus and make you feel too guilty to keep holding them accountable. It’s not about honesty—it’s about weaponising history. They use your past vulnerability as a way to invalidate your present boundaries.
5. They get quiet, cold, or emotionally distant.
When words don’t work, they turn to silence. It might look like detachment, but it’s strategic. The coldness is meant to unsettle you and make you wonder what you’ve done wrong, even though deep down, you already know the answer. That kind of emotional withdrawal is meant to punish you without saying a word. It keeps you in a loop of confusion and self-blame.
6. They start calling you the narcissist.
Projection becomes their go-to defence. Suddenly, you’re the one who’s selfish, manipulative, or “always needs to be right.” They accuse you of the very behaviours they’ve been displaying all along. This tactic works because it messes with your head. You start wondering if maybe you are the problem, which is exactly what they want.
7. They badmouth you behind your back.
Once they feel their grip loosening, they might start quietly turning mutual friends or family members against you. They’ll play the concerned party, saying things like, “I just don’t know what’s going on with them lately.” It’s a smear campaign disguised as worry. And it’s meant to isolate you and control the narrative before you even know what’s happening.
8. They subtly break your boundaries.
They’ll “forget” things you clearly asked for. Show up uninvited. Overstep in small ways to test how serious you really are. It’s a way of checking if the new version of you—this boundary-setting version—is for real. If you let them slide just once, they’ll take it as an open door to push further next time.
9. They act unpredictably on purpose.
One minute they’re warm and funny, the next they’re distant or cold. It’s intentional. The inconsistency keeps you emotionally off-balance and craving their approval. It’s the emotional equivalent of tug-of-war. As long as you’re focused on chasing the “nice” version of them, they don’t have to take responsibility for the rest.
10. They say you’ve changed—in a bad way.
“You’re different now,” they’ll say, and not in a complimentary tone. What they mean is, “You don’t let me walk all over you anymore.”This comment is meant to make you doubt your growth. But real change often looks like becoming less agreeable to people who benefitted from your lack of boundaries.
11. They make vague apologies to keep you around.
If the pressure builds, they might offer a half-hearted apology just to keep the peace. “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I guess I could’ve handled that better.” However, they avoid real ownership or actual change. It’s not healing, it’s stalling—a breadcrumb apology to keep you from walking away completely.
12. They subtly pit you against people close to you.
They’ll start planting doubts about your friends, your therapist, even your family. “They don’t really understand you,” or “They’re just jealous of what we have.” This is about creating emotional dependency. If they can isolate your support system, you’re more likely to lean on them, and stay under their influence.
13. They pretend they don’t care.
Once you stop reacting, they act like you never mattered. They’ll suddenly act indifferent, like you’re the one making things dramatic or emotional. However, the cold shoulder isn’t indifference—it’s punishment. It’s a tactic to make you come back just to regain a sense of emotional warmth.
14. They poke at your soft spots.
They remember what you’re insecure about, and they’ll use that knowledge to throw jabs when they’re losing control. A subtle dig about your appearance, your intelligence, your past—whatever they know will hit hardest. This isn’t accidental. It’s designed to shrink your confidence right when it starts to grow.
15. They beg for another chance—dramatically.
If all else fails, they’ll resort to full-blown theatrics. Promises, tears, maybe even public displays. It’s an emotional overload meant to overwhelm you into staying. Of course, it’s not about love—it’s about power. They’re not sorry. They’re scared to lose access to the control they had over you.
16. They try to convince you no one else will “get” you.
This is one of the most toxic lines they’ll use. “No one else will love you like I do.” “You’re lucky I put up with you.” It’s not romantic—it’s psychological warfare. If someone truly believes you’re hard to love, that’s not love at all. That’s someone trying to keep you small so you don’t outgrow them.
