We all do our best in relationships to be good partners, but we don’t always do a great job of it.
Nobody wants to admit they might be the problem in their relationship, but sometimes we’re so focused on what our partner’s doing wrong that we miss our own toxic patterns completely. If you’re guilty of any of these habits, your behaviour towards your partner isn’t only inappropriate, it’s extremely problematic.
1. You check their phone but lose it when they ask about yours.
You go through their messages, scroll through their social media, and question every notification they get, but when they want to see your phone you act like they’re violating your human rights. The double standard is obvious to everyone except you.
Trust works both ways, and if you’re demanding transparency while hiding your own stuff, you’re creating exactly the kind of toxic dynamic that kills relationships. Either you both get privacy or you both get openness. You can’t have it both ways.
2. You bring up past arguments during every new disagreement.
Every fight turns into a highlight reel of everything they’ve ever done wrong, going back months or even years. You can’t discuss tonight’s dinner plans without mentioning that time they forgot your birthday three years ago.
People who constantly drag up old issues never actually resolve anything because they’re more interested in winning than fixing problems. Your partner starts walking on eggshells because they know any mistake will be ammunition forever.
3. You get jealous of their friends and family.
You make snide comments about their mates, find reasons why they shouldn’t visit their mum so often, and get moody when they make plans that don’t include you. Anyone who takes attention away from you becomes a threat.
Healthy people want their partners to have strong relationships outside the romantic one because it makes them happier and more interesting. When you try to isolate someone from their support system, you’re being controlling, not loving.
4. You never take responsibility for your part in problems.
Every issue in the relationship is their fault, and you’ve got a detailed explanation for why your behaviour was completely justified. When they bring up something you did, you immediately flip it back to something they did worse.
Relationships need two people who can own their mistakes and work on changing, not one person constantly defending themselves while pointing fingers. Your refusal to be accountable makes it impossible to actually fix anything.
5. You give them the silent treatment when you’re upset.
Instead of talking about what’s bothering you, you shut down completely and expect them to figure out what they did wrong. You act like ignoring them is a reasonable way to handle conflict.
Silent treatment is emotional manipulation disguised as self-control, and it leaves your partner feeling confused and rejected. Adult relationships require you to use your words, even when you’re angry or hurt.
6. You make threats about leaving during arguments.
Every disagreement includes some version of “maybe we should just break up” or “I don’t know if this is working” thrown in to make them panic and back down. You use the relationship as a bargaining chip.
Constantly threatening to leave makes your partner feel insecure and manipulated, and eventually, they’ll call your bluff or beat you to it. Real commitment means working through problems, not using them as weapons.
7. You track their location obsessively.
You know exactly where they are every minute of the day through location apps, and you question any deviation from their normal routine. If they’re five minutes late getting home, you’re already crafting interrogation questions.
Monitoring someone’s every movement isn’t love, it’s surveillance, and it makes them feel like they’re dating a prison warden rather than a partner. Trust means giving people space to exist without constant supervision.
8. You criticise everything they enjoy.
Their music is awful, their hobbies are stupid, their TV shows are rubbish, and their friends are boring. You’ve somehow found fault with every single thing that brings them joy, usually while expecting them to appreciate everything you like.
When you constantly put down what makes your partner happy, you’re essentially telling them their taste and interests are wrong. This kind of criticism really knocks their confidence and makes them feel like they can’t be themselves around you.
9. You expect them to read your mind.
You get upset when they don’t automatically know what you want, need, or feel without you having to say anything. If they loved you “properly,” they’d just know when you’re hungry, tired, or want attention.
Mind-reading isn’t a love language. It’s an impossible expectation that sets your partner up for constant failure. Clear communication is actually more romantic than guessing games, and it prevents a lot of unnecessary drama.
10. You compare them to your exes constantly.
Your last boyfriend always remembered anniversaries, your ex-girlfriend was more adventurous, and somehow everyone you dated before was better at something than your current partner. You use past relationships as weapons against your present one.
Nobody wants to compete with ghosts from your romantic past, and constantly comparing them to exes makes your partner feel like they’re never good enough. If your exes were so great, why aren’t you still with them?
11. You control their appearance and social media.
You have opinions about their clothes, hair, makeup, and who they follow on Instagram, and you’re not shy about sharing those opinions. You act like their appearance reflects on you, so you get a say in their choices.
Your partner’s body and social media accounts belong to them, not you, and trying to control how they present themselves is a massive red flag. Confident people don’t need to micromanage their partner’s appearance or online activity.
12. You use physical intimacy as a weapon.
When you’re angry, you withdraw physically and make it clear that intimacy is off the table until they grovel appropriately. You treat affection like a reward system based on their behaviour, rather than genuine connection.
Using intimacy as punishment turns your bedroom into a battleground and makes your partner feel rejected and manipulated. Physical connection shouldn’t be dependent on who won the last argument or whether they’ve apologised enough.
13. You mock their insecurities.
When they share something they’re sensitive about, you file it away to use against them later during arguments. Their deepest fears and vulnerabilities become your ammunition when you want to hurt them.
Someone who loves you should be a safe space for your insecurities, not someone who weaponises them against you. When you attack what they’re most sensitive about, you’re telling them they can’t trust you with their emotional truth.
14. You expect constant reassurance but give none back.
You need them to tell you they love you multiple times a day, prove they’re attracted to you, and constantly validate your worth, but you rarely return the favour. Their job is to make you feel secure while you leave them guessing about where they stand.
Relationships require emotional give and take, not one person constantly taking reassurance while giving nothing back. Your partner needs to feel valued and appreciated too, not like they’re just there to boost your ego.
15. You punish them for having emotions.
When they’re sad, stressed, or overwhelmed, you get annoyed that they’re not giving you enough attention or that their mood is affecting the vibe. You expect them to manage their feelings so you don’t have to deal with any emotional complexity.
Healthy relationships involve supporting each other through difficult emotions, not punishing your partner for having them. If you can’t handle them being human and imperfect, you’re not ready for a real relationship with an actual person.
