Friendship is supposed to be about support, laughter, and good times.
But sometimes, we can unknowingly become the toxic friend, the one who brings negativity and drama into the lives of those around us. Here are some behaviours that might be red flags in your friendships.
1. You constantly criticise their choices and decisions.
While constructive feedback can be helpful, a constant barrage of criticism can be incredibly draining and demoralising. If you find yourself nitpicking everything from their outfits to their career choices, it’s time to take a step back. Remember, being a good friend means offering support and encouragement, not tearing them down.
2. You dismiss their feelings and concerns.
When your friend shares their worries or frustrations, do you brush them off with a dismissive “It’s not that bad” or “You’re overreacting”? Invalidating someone’s feelings can be incredibly hurtful and make them feel like their emotions aren’t valid. A good friend listens, validates, and offers empathy, even if they don’t fully understand the situation.
3. You gossip about them behind their back.
Gossiping is a toxic habit that can quickly erode trust and damage relationships. If you find yourself talking negatively about your friend to other people, sharing their secrets, or spreading rumours, it’s time to re-evaluate your behaviour. A true friend is loyal and discreet, keeping confidences and supporting their friend, even when they’re not around.
4. You always make the conversation about you.
Conversations should be a two-way street, with both people having a chance to share and be heard. If you find yourself constantly steering conversations back to yourself, interrupting your friend, or talking over them, it can make them feel like their thoughts and feelings don’t matter. A good friend is genuinely interested in what their friend has to say and gives them the space to express themselves.
5. You’re always trying to one-up them or outshine them.
A bit of friendly competition can be fun, but if you constantly feel the need to one-up your friend or outshine them, it can create a toxic dynamic. A good friend celebrates their friend’s successes and is genuinely happy for them, without feeling the need to compete or compare.
6. You make them feel guilty for not prioritising you.
Everyone has different priorities and commitments in life. If you make your friend feel guilty for not always putting you first, whether it’s cancelling plans or not being able to hang out as often as you’d like, it can create resentment and strain the relationship. A good friend understands that life is busy and respects their friend’s time and priorities.
7. You give them backhanded compliments or passive-aggressive remarks.
Comments like “That dress looks good on you, it hides your tummy” or “You’re so lucky you got that promotion, I’ve been working way harder” might seem like compliments, but they come with a hidden sting. Backhanded compliments and passive-aggressive remarks can be just as hurtful as outright insults. A good friend offers genuine compliments and avoids making snarky comments that could hurt their friend’s feelings.
8. You pressure them to do things they’re not comfortable with.
A good friend respects their friend’s boundaries and never pressures them to do anything they’re not comfortable with. Whether it’s going to a party they don’t want to attend, drinking more than they want to, or engaging in activities that make them uncomfortable, pressuring someone can create a sense of obligation and resentment. A good friend supports their friend’s choices and encourages them to be true to themselves.
9. You flake on plans or commitments consistently.
If you’re constantly cancelling plans at the last minute, showing up late, or forgetting about commitments you’ve made with your friend, it shows a lack of respect for their time and feelings. It can make them feel like they’re not a priority in your life and can damage the trust in your relationship. A good friend is reliable and makes an effort to show up for their friends, even when it’s inconvenient.
10. You share their secrets with other people without their permission.
Trust is a fundamental building block of any friendship. When your friend confides in you, they’re trusting you with their vulnerabilities and secrets. If you betray that trust by sharing their private information with other people, it can be deeply hurtful and damaging. A good friend is a safe space for their friend to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or betrayal.
11. You constantly try to change them.
Acceptance is a key ingredient in healthy friendships. If you’re constantly trying to change your friend’s personality, style, or interests to fit your preferences, it can make them feel like you don’t appreciate them for who they are. A good friend embraces their friend’s individuality and supports them in being their authentic selves.
12. You make them feel bad about their successes or accomplishments.
Instead of celebrating your friend’s achievements, do you find yourself feeling envious or resentful? Do you downplay their successes or make snide remarks that undermine their accomplishments? This kind of behaviour can be incredibly toxic and create a competitive, unhealthy dynamic in the friendship. A good friend is genuinely happy for their friend’s success and offers support and encouragement.
13. You take advantage of their generosity or kindness.
If you consistently take advantage of your friend’s generosity, whether it’s borrowing money and not paying it back, asking for favours without reciprocating, or expecting them to always be there for you without offering the same in return, it’s a sign of a one-sided relationship. A good friend is mindful of their friend’s generosity and strives for a balanced give-and-take in the relationship.
14. You’re always negative or bring down their mood.
While everyone has bad days, if you’re consistently negative, complaining, or bringing down your friend’s mood, it can be exhausting and emotionally draining for them. A good friend tries to be positive and supportive, even when things are tough. They uplift their friend and offer a listening ear, not a constant stream of negativity.
15. You ignore their boundaries or make them feel guilty for setting them.
Everyone has different comfort levels and boundaries. A good friend respects those boundaries, even if they don’t fully understand them. If you ignore your friend’s boundaries, make them feel guilty for setting them, or pressure them to do things they’re not comfortable with, it can erode trust and damage the relationship.
16. You only reach out to them when you need something.
If you only contact your friend when you need a favour, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to vent to, it can make them feel used and unappreciated. A good friend is present in both the good times and the bad, offering support and connection without expecting anything in return. They value the friendship for its own sake, not just for what they can get out of it.
