Abandonment issues can make relationships complicated, not just for the person experiencing them, but for everyone else too.
When someone has deep-rooted fears of being left behind, they might not express it directly; instead, they unconsciously test the people in their life. These tests aren’t always intentional, but they come from a need to feel secure, loved, and reassured. If you’ve ever felt like someone is pushing you away just to see if you’ll stay, here are just a few ways a person with abandonment issues might test you.
1. Pulling away to see if you’ll chase them
One of the most common ways people with abandonment issues test someone is by withdrawing emotionally or physically. They might suddenly become distant, take longer to respond to messages, or cancel plans without explanation. The goal, whether they realise it or not, is to see if you’ll notice and make the effort to pull them back in. Deep down, they want to know that you care enough to fight for them. If you don’t chase them, it confirms their worst fear: that people leave. Unfortunately, this cycle can push people away instead of bringing them closer, making their fears feel even more real.
2. Creating drama to test your patience
Sometimes, abandonment fears show up in the form of unnecessary arguments or emotional outbursts. They might stir up drama over small things, not because they enjoy conflict, but because they want to see how much you’re willing to tolerate. If you stay, it reassures them that you’re not leaving at the first sign of difficulty. The irony is that these dramatic moments can make relationships feel unstable, which is the exact thing they’re trying to avoid. They need reassurance, but their way of trying to get it often pushes people away. The best way to handle this is with calmness and consistency, rather than feeding into the emotional chaos.
3. Repeatedly asking if you’re mad at them
Even when there’s no reason to believe anything is wrong, they might ask, “Are you mad at me?” over and over again. They read too much into small shifts in tone, text responses, or body language, assuming any minor change means you’re pulling away. It’s their way of checking if they’re about to be abandoned. While it can feel exhausting to constantly reassure them, this fear isn’t something they can just switch off. The best way to respond is with gentle honesty, making it clear that if there’s ever an issue, you’ll tell them directly. Over time, consistent reassurance can help ease their anxiety.
4. Pushing you away just to see if you’ll stay.
In some cases, they’ll deliberately push people away to see if they’ll fight to stay. They might say things like, “You’d be better off without me,” or act cold and uninterested, even though they secretly want the opposite. It’s a way of testing whether someone truly cares enough to break through the walls they put up. That behaviour often comes from past experiences where they’ve been left behind, making them believe people only stay if they’re “proven” to be loyal. It can be hard to navigate, but the key is responding with steady reassurance rather than taking the bait. They need to see that they don’t have to create a crisis to be loved.
5. Expecting constant reassurance
They often need regular reminders that they’re loved, valued, and not about to be left behind. They might ask, “Do you still love me?” or “Are we okay?” even when there’s no sign of trouble. No matter how many times you reassure them, the fear always finds a way to creep back in. While it’s important to offer reassurance, it’s also essential to help them build self-trust. No one can provide constant validation, so gently encouraging them to feel secure without needing outside confirmation can be helpful. Over time, consistent stability in relationships can help lessen their need for repeated reassurance.
6. Testing your commitment with ultimatums
Sometimes, abandonment fears lead to all-or-nothing thinking, where a person feels the need to test your commitment with ultimatums. They might say things like, “If you really cared, you’d do this for me,” or “If you don’t agree, then maybe we’re not right for each other.” It’s an attempt to force a grand display of loyalty. These ultimatums aren’t always meant to be manipulative; they come from a place of fear and insecurity. However, constantly being tested in this way can put strain on any relationship. The best approach is to set healthy boundaries while still offering reassurance, making it clear that love shouldn’t be measured in extreme conditions.
7. Overanalysing your words and actions.
They may read too much into the smallest things, convinced that there’s a hidden message behind them. If you take longer than usual to reply to a message, they might assume you’re losing interest. If your tone sounds slightly different, they might worry that you’re upset with them. Such overanalysis comes from a deep fear of rejection, making them hyper-aware of potential signs that someone is pulling away. Unfortunately, this mindset can create problems where none exist. Encouraging open communication and reassuring them that they don’t have to overthink every interaction can help break this cycle.
8. Keeping score of who puts in more effort
Abandonment fears can make someone hyperaware of relationship dynamics, leading them to keep score of who puts in more effort. If they feel like they’re the only one initiating plans, sending messages, or showing care, they might see it as a sign that you don’t value them as much as they value you. Even minor imbalances can trigger feelings of insecurity. The problem is, relationships aren’t always perfectly balanced every single moment. Some days, one person puts in more effort, and other days, it evens out. Helping them understand that love isn’t measured by a checklist can ease their anxiety.
9. Acting distant after a good moment
Ironically, they might pull away right after a deep, emotional moment. When they feel close to someone, their fears can creep in, making them worry that they’re getting too attached. To protect themselves from potential hurt, they create distance before the other person has a chance to leave first. It can feel confusing when someone goes from warm and affectionate to distant overnight. If this happens, patience is key; giving them space while showing you’re still there can help them feel safe enough to reconnect. In the long run, consistency can help ease their fear of getting close.
10. Testing how much they can “burden” you
They often worry that they’re “too much” for other people, so they test how much you can handle. They might overshare, lean on you emotionally in extreme ways, or see how much effort you’ll put in when they’re struggling. If you stay, it reassures them that they’re not a burden. While emotional support is part of any relationship, it’s important to make sure it’s balanced. If someone is testing you by intentionally making themselves a challenge to deal with, they might need help understanding that love doesn’t have to be earned through struggle.
11. Pushing boundaries just to see if you’ll leave
Sometimes, abandonment fears lead people to deliberately push limits to see if someone will stick around. They might say hurtful things, make reckless decisions, or act out in ways that test your patience. It’s an unconscious way of asking, “Will you still be here if I show you my worst?” While it’s important to have compassion for where this comes from, it’s also necessary to set boundaries. Staying in someone’s life doesn’t mean tolerating toxic behaviour. True emotional security comes from knowing love doesn’t have to be tested to be real.
12. Assuming rejection before it happens
Even when there’s no reason to expect rejection, they might assume it’s coming. They prepare for the worst, mentally detaching before the other person even has a chance to prove them wrong. That self-sabotaging behaviour creates distance that wasn’t even there to begin with. Breaking this pattern requires learning to trust relationships as they are, instead of assuming they’ll end badly. When someone is used to being left, it takes time to believe they can be chosen. Patience, reassurance, and consistency are the best ways to help them feel secure.
13. Testing loyalty by creating unnecessary jealousy
They sometimes test how much someone cares by trying to make them jealous. They might mention how someone else is giving them attention, flirt with people in a subtle way, or talk about past relationships just to gauge your reaction. It’s not always done consciously, but it stems from a need to feel wanted and reassured. The problem is, it can and often does backfire, making the other person feel manipulated or distanced instead of more committed. Healthy relationships don’t need jealousy to prove loyalty. Helping them understand that real security comes from trust, not games, can make a huge difference in breaking this cycle.
14. Expecting you to prove your commitment over and over again
For someone with deep abandonment fears, no amount of reassurance ever feels like enough. Even if you’ve proven your loyalty countless times, they might still ask for new proofs of commitment. They want constant evidence that you won’t leave, which can make it feel like you’re stuck in an endless loop of proving yourself. While it’s understandable why they feel this way, it’s also exhausting for the people around them. No relationship can function when one person feels like they’re always on trial. Encouraging them to build self-trust and find security within themselves can help ease the pressure they put on their relationships.
