Narcissists do the bulk of their damage alone, but they do get a bit of help sometimes.
In order to fully break down and control their victims, they employ ‘flying monkeys’ — friends or mutual acquaintances that the narcissist can manipulate into doing their dirty work. What’s worse, these people don’t even realise they’re being used as pawns! Here are some warning signs this might be happening to you.
1. You’re the designated messenger.
Ever find yourself being asked to pass along little messages? Maybe something like, “Oh, can you just let them know I said this?” It might seem harmless, but this is classic narcissist stuff. They love staying in control while pretending they’re not even involved. If you feel like you’re constantly the middleman, it’s time to ask yourself if you’re being played.
2. You’re their personal spy.
If they’re always asking you for updates on someone’s whereabouts, relationship status, or random bits of info, you might be getting used as their personal surveillance system. It might seem innocent, but behind it, they’re gathering intel to maintain control over their target.
3. You defend them without a second thought.
Do you ever find yourself jumping to their defence, even when you’re not sure why? Narcissists are great at spinning stories to make themselves look like the victim. If you’re constantly making excuses for them, it’s worth stepping back and seeing the situation for what it really is.
4. You’re always caught in their drama.
Narcissists love creating drama, and part of that is making people pick sides. If you’re always feeling pressured to back them in conflicts, even when you don’t know the full story, it’s a sign you’re being manipulated. Healthy friendships don’t need you to take sides or isolate anyone.
5. You’ve started criticising the person they’re targeting.
You might’ve caught yourself speaking badly about someone, not because of your own experience, but because of what the narcissist has told you. This is a big red flag. Narcissists thrive on isolating their targets, and if you’re contributing to that, even unknowingly, it’s time to rethink things.
6. You feel guilty when you don’t do what they want.
Narcissists are experts at making you feel bad for setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty for saying no or not following through with their requests, this could be their emotional manipulation at work. Good relationships don’t leave you feeling rubbish for saying no.
7. Secrets are their game.
Do they ask you to keep things hush-hush? Narcissists love secrecy because it keeps them in control. If you’re often asked to hide things from other people, you might be enabling their manipulative behaviour. This can create an atmosphere of mistrust and leave people isolated.
8. You’re always explaining away their bad behaviour.
If you find yourself constantly justifying their actions with excuses like, “Oh, they’ve just had a tough time,” or “They didn’t mean it like that,” it’s a red flag. Narcissists rely on other people to smooth things over for them, but at the end of the day, they need to be held accountable.
9. You’re their eyes and ears.
Source: Unsplash Have you ever been asked to casually ‘check in’ on someone for the narcissist? It can feel like you’re just being a caring friend, but it’s often a tactic to keep tabs on someone they want to control. If you’re reporting back on your interactions, think about why they really want to know.
10. You feel like you’re in their special club.
Narcissists have a way of making you feel like you’re in the inner circle. It can be flattering, but be cautious – they’re likely using that feeling to manipulate you into doing things for them. That sense of exclusivity? It’s just part of their game.
11. You repeat their version of events without thinking.
Do you catch yourself retelling stories or defending their actions without really questioning the details? This is classic flying monkey behaviour. Narcissists are great at controlling the narrative, but it’s important to consider other perspectives and think critically about what’s going on.
12. You’re asked to ‘keep an eye’ on someone for them.
Maybe they ask you to casually drop in on their target, check how they’re doing, and report back. It might seem like concern, but it’s often a way to keep control when they’re feeling shut out. If this is a regular thing, it’s time to question their motives.
13. You’re always proving how great they are.
Do you feel a need to prove their worth to other people? Flying monkeys often become the narcissist’s personal PR team, defending their image at all costs. If you’re constantly singing their praises or trying to convince everyone of their innocence, you might be stuck in this role.
14. You’re part of their gaslighting routine.
The scariest part? You might be helping them gaslight their target. If you’ve ever questioned or doubted someone’s experiences, especially when you weren’t even there, you could be unknowingly contributing to the narcissist’s manipulation. Everyone’s experience is valid – don’t let yourself be dragged into gaslighting.
