We all like to think of ourselves as good people.
We believe we’re kind, considerate, and would never intentionally hurt people. But the truth is, sometimes our actions don’t align with our self-image. We might be engaging in behaviour that’s selfish, manipulative, or downright toxic without even realising it. If you’ve ever wondered whether you might be a user — someone who takes advantage of people for their own gain — it’s time to take a hard look in the mirror. Here are 12 uncomfortable facts that might help you face the truth.
1. You always keep score.
Do you find yourself constantly tallying up what you’ve done for people and what they’ve done for you? Do you keep a mental scorecard of favours, gifts, and gestures, and feel resentful when you think someone owes you? This is a classic sign of a user mentality. Healthy relationships aren’t about keeping score, they’re about mutual care and support. If you’re always focused on what you can get out of a situation, rather than what you can give, it might be time to reassess your motives.
2. You manipulate people to get your way.
Users are often skilled at getting what they want through manipulation and coercion. They know how to push people’s buttons, play on their insecurities, and twist situations to their advantage. If you find yourself constantly strategising how to get your way, even if it means bending the truth or guilting people into compliance, that’s a red flag. Healthy relationships are built on honesty, respect, and open communication, not mind games and emotional blackmail.
3. You’re always the victim.
Do you have a tendency to play the victim in conflicts or challenges, even when you’re partly or wholly responsible? Do you use your past traumas or current struggles to garner sympathy and avoid accountability? This is a common tactic of users, who use their own pain as a shield against criticism or consequences. While it’s important to acknowledge and process your own hurt, it’s not an excuse to manipulate or mistreat people. True healing comes from taking responsibility for your actions, not playing the blame game.
4. You’re a fair-weather friend.
Are you the type of person who’s all in when things are going well, but nowhere to be found when the going gets tough? Do you have a habit of disappearing or making excuses when your friends or loved ones need you most? This is a sign that you’re more interested in what other people can do for you than in being there for them. True friendship means showing up, even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable. If you’re only around when it benefits you, it’s time to re-evaluate your priorities.
5. You’re always “borrowing” money.
Do you have a history of asking friends, family, or romantic partners for money, with little intention of paying them back? Do you use financial instability as a way to gain sympathy or avoid responsibility? While it’s okay to need help sometimes, a pattern of financial dependence or entitlement is a red flag. Users often exploit people’s generosity and resources without reciprocating or taking steps to improve their own situation. If you find yourself constantly relying on other people to bail you out, it’s time to take a hard look at your financial habits and values.
6. You’re a chronic flake.
Source: Unsplash Do you make plans with people, only to cancel or ghost at the last minute? Do you have a reputation for being unreliable or inconsiderate of other people’s time and energy? This is a classic user move, prioritising your own convenience over your commitments. While it’s okay to need flexibility sometimes, a pattern of flakiness signals a lack of respect and consideration for those around you. If you find yourself constantly bailing on plans or leaving people hanging, it’s time to work on your follow-through and communication skills.
7. You’re always fishing for compliments.
Do you constantly seek validation and praise, even for minor accomplishments or qualities? Do you use self-deprecation or false modesty as a way to elicit compliments or reassurance? While it’s normal to want to feel appreciated, a constant need for external validation can be a sign of deep insecurity and a user mentality. Users often rely on other people to prop up their self-esteem, rather than doing the hard work of building true self-worth. If you find yourself always angling for compliments, it might be time to focus on developing a more authentic and resilient sense of self.
8. You’re a conversational narcissist.
Do you dominate conversations, always steering the topic back to yourself and your own experiences? Do you interrupt people, dismiss their perspectives, or tune out when they’re sharing something important to them? This is a classic sign of conversational narcissism, a user tactic that prioritises your own ego and agenda over genuine connection and empathy. Healthy communication is a two-way street, with equal space for listening and sharing. If you find yourself always needing to be the centre of attention, it’s time to work on your active listening and perspective-taking skills.
9. You push right past people’s boundaries.
Do you have a habit of disregarding peopl’s boundaries, whether emotional, physical, or financial? Do you pressure people into doing things they’re not comfortable with, or push past their clearly stated limits? This is a major red flag of a user mentality, prioritising your own desires over other people’s autonomy and well-being. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect and consent. If you find yourself consistently violating people’s boundaries, it’s time to take a hard look at your own entitlement and work on respecting other people’s needs and desires.
10. You’re always the exception to the rule.
Do you have a tendency to believe that rules and social norms don’t apply to you? Do you make excuses for your own behaviour while holding people to high standards? This is a classic user tactic, using a sense of specialness or entitlement to avoid accountability or responsibility. Healthy adults understand that we’re all part of a larger community, and that our actions have consequences for those around us. If you find yourself constantly expecting special treatment or exemptions, it’s time to check your privilege and work on your sense of social responsibility.
11. You’re an emotional vampire.
Source: Unsplash Do you have a habit of dumping your own emotional baggage on other people, without reciprocating or taking responsibility for your own healing? Do you use people as a sounding board or therapist, without considering their own needs or boundaries? This is a classic sign of emotional vampirism, a user tactic that drains people’s energy and resources without giving anything back. Healthy relationships involve mutual care and support, not one-sided emotional labour. If you find yourself consistently overburdening people with your own drama, it’s time to work on your own emotional self-sufficiency and regulation.
12. You’re always the hero of your own story.
Source: Unsplash Do you have a tendency to frame yourself as the hero or the victim in every situation, never the villain or the one at fault? Do you use your own good intentions or noble qualities to justify hurtful or selfish behaviour? This is a classic user tactic, using a distorted self-image to avoid confronting the reality of one’s actions. True personal growth requires the ability to take an honest, unflinching look at oneself, warts and all. If you find yourself always casting yourself in the most flattering light possible, it’s time to cultivate a more balanced and realistic sense of self.
Facing the truth about our own user tendencies can be uncomfortable, even painful.
Source: Unsplash It requires admitting that we’re not always the good, kind, considerate people we like to believe we are. But the discomfort of self-honesty is far preferable to the long-term damage of denial and self-deception. By acknowledging our own capacity for selfishness and manipulation, we open the door to true growth, healing, and change. We give ourselves the opportunity to become the best, most authentic version of ourselves — not just for our own sake, but for the sake of those we love and care about. So, if any of these user red flags resonate with you, don’t despair. Use them as a springboard for self-reflection, accountability, and positive change. With commitment, courage, and compassion, we can all learn to be better, more loving humans — one day at a time.
