Not everyone shows their true colours right away, unfortunately.
Some people seem charming, kind, even generous… that is until small cracks start to show. You don’t always get slammed with obvious cruelty by people like this, at least not in the beginning. Sometimes, it’s in the little behaviours, the ones that leave you questioning whether you’re imagining things. When someone’s heart isn’t as kind as they want you to believe, it usually shows itself in these behaviours. If you notice these red flags, don’t ignore them, or you just might be sorry.
1. They make jokes that make you uncomfortable.
Source: Unsplash At first, their humour might seem harmless, but little by little, you notice their jokes often target your insecurities or personal struggles, brushing it off with a laugh and a quick, “Don’t be so sensitive.” When someone uses humour to consistently belittle people, it’s not about playfulness; it’s about power. It’s a way of getting digs in without having to be held accountable, and it quietly chips away at the safety you feel around them.
2. They act cold when you’re vulnerable.
Opening up to someone requires trust, but when your vulnerable moments are met with blank stares, awkward silences, or dismissive comments, it leaves you feeling small. They don’t lean in; they pull away. It’s a painful realisation that not everyone is capable of offering emotional support. Heartless people often view vulnerability as weakness rather than something courageous or beautiful.
3. They twist your words when it suits them.
Healthy people hear you out. Heartless people listen for angles. They selectively pick parts of what you say, reframe them, and throw them back at you to suit their narrative. It’s subtle at first—you might even question your own memory. However, as time goes on, the pattern becomes clear: they’re not trying to understand you; they’re trying to win, shift blame, or keep control.
4. They only show up when they need something.
When you’re thriving or when you’re down, they’re suspiciously absent. But the moment they need a hand, a favour, or emotional support, suddenly they’re texting, calling, and acting like you’re their favourite person again. Real connection is built on give-and-take, not opportunism. If someone’s affection is only reliable when it benefits them, you’re not imagining the imbalance—you’re experiencing it firsthand.
5. They quietly undermine your confidence.
They don’t outright insult you—that would be too obvious. Instead, they pepper conversations with doubts: “Are you sure you can handle that?” or “That’s pretty ambitious for you.” It’s an insidious tactic. After a while, you start second-guessing yourself, feeling smaller and more unsure than you ever did before they entered the picture. That’s not an accident; it’s erosion by design.
6. They lack basic empathy for other people’s struggles.
Everyone hits rough patches, but heartless people rarely offer genuine sympathy. Instead, they make snide comments, brush off pain, or imply that other people deserve whatever hardship they’re going through. Compassion doesn’t need a personal connection to be triggered. When someone can’t even summon basic kindness for strangers, it’s a clear warning sign that their empathy well runs dangerously dry.
7. They gaslight you when you call them out.
Try to set a boundary or bring up an issue, and they instantly flip it on you: “You’re imagining things,” “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re too sensitive.” It’s not about hearing your feelings; it’s about making you doubt them. Gaslighting isn’t always loud and obvious. Sometimes, it’s the steady drip of invalidation that leaves you unsure whether your own experiences are even real, which is exactly how they like it.
8. They treat kindness like a transaction.
When they do something nice, it’s not out of generosity—it’s an investment. Later, they’ll bring it up, cash in the favour, or remind you what you “owe” them because of it. True kindness is freely given. When every act of “goodness” has invisible strings attached, it’s not love or loyalty; it’s manipulation in a prettier package.
9. They mock people behind their backs.
It’s easy to spot: the moment someone leaves the room, the critiques start flowing—mocking their voice, their choices, their dreams. It feels gross, but they laugh it off like it’s normal. When someone is quick to trash people behind closed doors, it’s only a matter of time before you’re the target too. Loyalty and heart don’t disappear when the room empties. They’re either there or they’re not.
10. They enjoy stirring up drama for entertainment.
They poke, prod, and plant seeds of tension between people, then sit back and enjoy the fallout. Conflict and chaos aren’t accidents around them, they’re part of the show. If you always feel like there’s tension, confusion, or unnecessary drama trailing behind this person, it’s because stirring the pot gives them a sense of power and relevance they can’t seem to find any other way.
11. They dismiss your pain without hesitation.
You open up about something painful, and they either change the subject, minimise your experience, or respond with something cold like, “Other people have it worse.” Compassion isn’t about comparison. When someone instantly dismisses your hurt, it’s not because they’re trying to toughen you up; it’s because they don’t see your feelings as important in the first place.
12. They fake warmth when it benefits their image.
In public, around people they want to impress, they’re suddenly all smiles, hugs, and over-the-top friendliness. However, the second the spotlight’s gone, so is the kindness. Consistency is a hallmark of true warmth. If someone only turns on the charm when it serves them socially, you’re not seeing their real self; you’re seeing a carefully curated performance.
13. They never apologise unless cornered.
When things go wrong, they find a way to blame circumstances, other people, or even you. A real apology, the kind that owns mistakes without excuses, is rare to nonexistent. On the off chance they do say sorry, it’s usually laced with justification: “I’m sorry if you felt that way” or “I’m sorry you misunderstood.” The lack of accountability tells you exactly where their priorities lie—and it’s not with healing or growth.
14. They slowly eat away at your joy.
Share a piece of good news, and instead of genuine excitement, you get lukewarm smiles, passive-aggressive comments, or subtle reminders that you’re “not that special.” In the long run, their responses make you hesitant to share your wins at all. Heartless people aren’t happy when you thrive; they’re threatened by it, and they’d rather dull your sparkle than let it outshine them.
15. They view vulnerability as something to exploit.
Instead of recognising vulnerability as brave, they see it as an opportunity—something to manipulate, use against you, or quietly judge. They mistake openness for weakness and treat trust like a currency they can cash in later. If someone consistently responds to your realness with cruelty, coldness, or calculation, it’s not about you being “too sensitive.” It’s about them never having the capacity to meet you where you deserve to be met.
