Maybe you’ve been around the block a few (dozen) times when it comes to relationships, and you think you know everything there is to know about love.
However, no matter how much experience you have or how self-aware you are, there are likely some truths about relationships that you just haven’t accepted — if you recognise them at all. It’s important to take these things to heart for the sake of your present partnership (if you’re in one) and any future relationships you get into.
1. You’re not a bad person for wanting to be physically attracted to your partner.
The idea that it’s somehow shallow or unfair to want to find the person you’re in a relationship with physically attractive is ridiculous. If you weren’t attracted to them/didn’t want to sleep with them, they’d just be a friend, right? Physical intimacy is important in a relationship, and if you’re not interested in that with the person you’re dating, what’s the point?
2. Sexual compatibility does matter.
Source: Unsplash Further to the previous point, even if you want to rip someone’s clothes off, if things aren’t quite working in the bedroom, your relationship with that person likely won’t last long, either. Being on the same page when it comes to what goes down in the bedroom (pun totally intended) is important. Without it, a romantic relationship just can’t survive.
3. Your intentions don’t matter if your behaviour keeps hurting your partner.
You might have meant well, but if the things you do and say constantly upset or even hurt your partner, your intentions don’t count for much. There are two people in a relationship, and you can’t have everything your way. Considering your partner and their triggers and boundaries — and respecting them — is a must.
4. You can’t force anyone to treat you the way you deserve.
We’re all guilty of having been in relationships before with people who treated us like dirt, and convincing ourselves that they’ll change and that we can show them the light. We also know that never works out. You cannot force or convince someone to be a good partner to you — if it doesn’t come naturally to them, they’re not up to the task.
5. You definitely don’t have to love yourself before you love anyone else.
I know RuPaul might disagree with me, but buckets of self-love are not necessary before getting into a relationship. That’s not to say that self-worth and self-esteem aren’t incredibly important in life, but you’re not locked out of loving anyone else just because you’re still working on your relationship with yourself. It’s a work in progress, people!
6. You can love someone and recognise that they’re not a good fit for you or your life.
It’s possible to be completely crazy about someone while simultaneously realising that they don’t fit into your life, and you don’t want the same things. The two are not mutually exclusive. Of course, the point here is that when you do recognise this, you probably need to go your separate ways before one (or both) of you gets hurt.
7. Your past trauma isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour in relationships.
Maybe you’ve been through some pretty terrible things in your past, whether in childhood or even in more recent relationships. That’s a shame, and your partner will likely sympathise with you. However, that doesn’t give you the right to take your unresolved issues out on them — they don’t have to (and shouldn’t) put up with that. Do the work necessary to treat your partner the way they deserve. It’s not their job to put up with your baggage.
8. Accountability is more than just saying, “I’m sorry.”
It’s fine and well dishing out a half-hearted apology (or even a genuine one) when you’ve messed up, but true accountability is about way more than that. It means actually assessing your behaviour, seeing where you went wrong, and actually changing it so that you don’t repeat it again in the future. Actions speak louder than words, as they say.
9. Relationships only work if both partners are willing to do the work.
It’s great that you’re 100% dedicated to making your relationship a success, but if your partner isn’t on the same page, it won’t be long before a breakup is on the cards. You cannot (and shouldn’t) shoulder the weight of your entire your relationship on your shoulders. If they don’t want to meet you halfway (or vice versa), you’re better off walking out the door.
10. People who stay in toxic relationships aren’t “choosing” to stay because they’re dumb or weak.
The idea that people who stay in relationships long past their sell-by date are in some way stupid or weak is ridiculous. There are many reasons people get stuck in bad situations, and without knowing all the details (or even with knowing them), it’s not your place to judge. Relationship dynamics are far more nuanced than “stay or leave,” and you probably know that yourself deep down. Offer a bit more empathy instead of judgement.
