We’ve all heard horror stories about narcissists — the lies, the gaslighting, the endless cycle of draining your emotional well. They seem incapable of real connection or self-awareness. But what if they claim to have seen the error of their ways? Can deep-seated narcissism truly be undone, or are those promises of change just another manipulation tactic?
Experts aren’t so sure.
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Psychologists and other mental health professionals certainly aren’t all in agreement when it comes to the question of whether or not narcissists can truly change. Some believe that this personality type is innate and will always be present in some form, while others insist that change is possible — but not without hard work.
Narcissists can’t simply will themselves to change.
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While it’d be nice to think that simply pointing out a narcissist’s toxic behavior and setting firm boundaries with them to encourage change would be enough, that’s not actually the case. True, meaningful change will require professional intervention, and the process can be lengthy.
There are many different therapeutic approaches for narcissism.
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“To achieve genuine and long-lasting change, it’s typically necessary to undergo intensive psychotherapy, often over an extended period,” licensed therapist and mental health expert Sophie Cress tells The Sense Hub. “Approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be helpful in assisting narcissists to recognize and challenge maladaptive thought patterns and behaviors, leading to an increase in self-awareness and empathy.” She adds that schema therapy and dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT, can also be helpful for narcissists to learn how to have healthier relationships.
Of course, the narcissist has to actually want to change, as well.
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While desire to change alone isn’t enough to make it happen, without the will to completely overhaul their behaviors and attitudes, all the professional help in the world won’t make a difference. “The individual must have an internal motivation for change, often arising from an awareness of the negative impact of their actions on themselves and those around them,” Cress explains. “Progress towards change can be facilitated by promoting self-reflection and empathy by exploring the underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities that drive narcissistic traits.” Sadly, many narcissists are too stubborn to believe they need to work on anything in themselves, so they don’t often get the opportunity.
How much a narcissist can change depends on the person and the individual circumstances.
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There’s no guarantee that therapy or other mental health interventions will be effective in the long run, even if the narcissist is on board with treatment. Many professionals are prepared for this and even expect this to be the case, says Karen Cunningham, LMFT-S, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Anchorage, Alaska. However, she believes anything is possible. “Clinical narcissism is a personality disorder, and many clinicians hold very little hope for true change with personality disorders. Other clinicians look at narcissism on a spectrum, from selfishness to aloofness to grandiosity to narcissism and everything in between,” she says.
“If there is a cut-off and where it might be is not something I spend much time pondering, as my stance as a clinician is to always have hope. I believe that there is unlimited potential for the human psyche and have seen touching transformations in some of my most challenging clients.”
However, experts agree you shouldn’t stay in a relationship with a narcissist hoping things will get better.
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If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and feel hopeful that they (or you) will be able to change the way they act or treat you and reshape them into your ideal partner, think again. As Dr. Deborah Vinall, PSY-D, LMFT, therapist and author of “Gaslighting: A Step-By-Step Recovery Guide To Heal From Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships,” tells The Sense Hub, that’s unlikely to happen and you shouldn’t waste your time. “Changing traits and patterns rooted in childhood wounds requires the hard work of looking inside and feeling the emotions they have pushed down and covered up with false bravado,” she explains. “It means admitting to themselves that the golden self-image they have built up is a lie, which is contrary to their entire ethos. Therefore, it is unwise to remain in an unhealthy relationship with a narcissist hoping to change them.”
