When kids grow up in an environment where their feelings are dismissed, invalidated, or outright ignored, it can stay with them well into their adult life.
It doesn’t just affect how they feel about and relate to themselves, but how they form relationships with other people, too. The thing is, emotional neglect doesn’t always look dramatic — it’s often subtle, making it easy to overlook its long-term effects. If someone’s childhood was marked by a lack of emotional recognition and support, chances are, they might grow up to develop these hang-ups. Luckily, with therapy and hard work, these bad habits can be broken.
1. They often can’t figure out what it is they actually feel.
When feelings are ignored or minimised during childhood, it can lead to a disconnect between what someone feels and how they understand those emotions. As adults, they might find it hard to label what they’re experiencing, whether it’s sadness, anger, or joy. That emotional confusion often stems from years of being told, directly or indirectly, that their feelings didn’t matter. Over time, it can make emotional self-awareness feel like a foreign concept. They may rely on external cues, like other people’s reactions, to gauge how they’re supposed to feel, which can make navigating relationships and decision-making more complicated.
2. They brush their struggles off like they’re no big deal.
Adults who were taught that their feelings weren’t important often minimise their own challenges. They might tell themselves that it’s not that bad or that other people have it worse, even when they’re really struggling. The habit of brushing off their emotions can make it hard for them to ask for help or even acknowledge when they need support. That tendency often leaves them feeling isolated, as they avoid burdening anyone with their problems. While it might seem like resilience, it’s often a reflection of a learned belief that their emotions don’t deserve attention or care.
3. They run away from the slightest hint of conflict.
Growing up in an environment where feelings are brushed under the carpet often means learning to avoid anything that might rock the boat. As adults, this can manifest as an extreme aversion to conflict. They might stay silent in disagreements, prioritise keeping the peace, or go along with other people’s wishes to avoid potential tension. While it might keep things calm on the surface, it can lead to resentment and unmet needs over time. Avoiding conflict often means suppressing their own desires and opinions, which can take a toll on their mental and emotional health.
4. Trust issues run rampant.
This is one of the most common side effects of any form of childhood trauma, especially since kids’ trust is so fragile at that stage of life. If their feelings were routinely dismissed as children, they might grow up with a deep-seated belief that people can’t be trusted to care about their emotions. That lack of trust can make it hard for them to open up, even in close relationships. They might be scared of being judged or dismissed, just as they were in the past. Building trust takes time and consistency. For adults with this history, learning to recognise when someone is genuinely supportive can help them rebuild their ability to trust and form meaningful relationships.
5. They feel personally responsible for everyone else’s emotions.
When children are taught that their own feelings don’t matter, they often overcompensate by focusing on other people. As adults, it can look like taking on the emotional burdens of friends, family, or partners, even at the expense of their own mental health. The tendency to put everyone else before themselves can leave them feeling drained and unfulfilled. While empathy is a strength, constantly focusing on everyone else’s needs and desires often means neglecting their own, and that’s really no way to live.
6. They don’t know how to say “no” without hating themselves for it.
People who grew up feeling disregarded often struggle with boundaries as adults. Saying no might feel impossible because they worry about disappointing everyone or being seen as selfish. Unsurprisingly, that can lead to overcommitting, burnout, and feeling taken advantage of in relationships or work environments. Learning to set boundaries takes practice, especially for those who were conditioned to make sure everyone else was taken care of before themselves. Recognising that “no” is a complete sentence can be a powerful first step toward reclaiming their time and energy.
7. They apologise all the time to keep the peace.
Adults with a history of emotional neglect often apologise for things that aren’t their fault. They might say sorry for speaking up, asking for help, or simply existing in a space. It’s a habit that often reflects an ingrained belief that they’re inherently burdensome or wrong. Breaking the cycle starts with recognising their own worth and understanding that they don’t need to apologise for having needs or taking up space. Replacing automatic apologies with confident statements can help shift this mindset over time.
8. They don’t know what to do when anyone says anything nice to or about them.
If no one acknowledged their feelings or achievements as kids, compliments might feel awkward or even uncomfortable as adults. They might brush off praise or assume it’s not genuine, as they’re not used to being celebrated or valued. Learning to accept compliments with grace can be a total game-changer. It’s more than just being able to say “thank you” when someone says something nice to them; it’s about internalising the idea that they’re worthy of recognition and appreciation, even if it takes time to fully believe it.
9. They overachieve to prove their worth.
For some, growing up with dismissed emotions leads to a relentless drive to prove themselves. They might overwork, set impossibly high standards, or constantly chase validation through accomplishments. Achieving becomes a way to compensate for the lack of emotional support they received in the past. While ambition can be a positive trait, overachieving often comes at a cost. Balancing success with self-care and recognising their intrinsic value beyond their achievements can help them feel more fulfilled and less reliant on external approval.
10. They’re scared of being “too much.”
If they were told to stop crying or “get over it” as children, they might carry a fear of being too emotional into adulthood. It can lead to suppressing their feelings or downplaying their needs, worrying they’ll overwhelm everyone if they show their true selves. Embracing their emotions as valid and learning that vulnerability isn’t a weakness can help them overcome this fear. Surrounding themselves with supportive people who appreciate their depth can also make a world of difference.
11. They feel emotionally disconnected in relationships.
Emotional neglect during childhood can make it hard to form deep connections as adults. They might feel detached or struggle to share their feelings, even with those they care about. The emotional distance tends to be rooted in a fear of rejection or not knowing how to connect on a deeper level. Recognising that pattern is the first step toward change. Therapy, open communication, and self-reflection can help them learn to trust and build emotional intimacy over time.
12. They second-guess their instincts.
When kids are repeatedly told their feelings don’t matter, they start to doubt their own judgement. As adults, this can look like constantly second-guessing themselves, seeking external validation for even small decisions, or feeling paralysed by self-doubt. Rebuilding confidence takes practice. Trusting their gut instincts and making decisions, big or small, without overthinking can help them reconnect with their inner voice and feel more empowered in their choices.
13. They never ask for help, even when they really need it.
If they grew up believing their needs weren’t important, asking for help as an adult can feel impossible. They might think they’ll be judged, dismissed, or seen as weak, so they push through challenges alone, even when they’re struggling. Learning that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, can change their perspective. Small steps, like reaching out to a friend or other family member, can make a big difference in building confidence and getting support when needed.
14. They feel like they’re never “enough.”
At the core of many behaviours linked to emotional neglect is a persistent feeling of inadequacy. They might struggle to believe they’re worthy of love, success, or happiness, no matter how much they achieve or how hard they try. Recognising this feeling as a remnant of their past, rather than a reflection of their reality, is key to overcoming it. Building self-compassion and celebrating small wins can help them shift their mindset and embrace the idea that they are, and always have been, enough.
