If you’ve ever tangled with a narcissist, you know how insidious and manipulative they can be.
These toxic people have a whole arsenal of underhanded negotiation tactics designed to exploit your weaknesses and keep you under their thumb. It’s so important to notice these ploys so you can protect yourself. Here’s a look at 15 of the most egregious methods narcissists employ to destabilise and control you. Arm yourself with this knowledge and refuse to be a pawn in their twisted games.
1. Gaslighting and blatant denial
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are masters of gaslighting — twisting reality to make you doubt your own ability to think and remember straight. They’ll rewrite history, flat-out deny things that definitely happened, and insist you’re being “oversensitive” or “paranoid” when you call out their bad behaviour. The goal is to disorient you and undermine your grasp on the truth. Stand firm in your convictions and don’t let them convince you that you’re the problem. Trust your gut and the facts, not their distortions.
2. Using your insecurities and fears against you
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to zero in on your deepest insecurities and use them against you. They’ll “lovingly” point out your flaws, prey on your anxieties, and needle you in areas where you’re already vulnerable. It’s a form of emotional blackmail designed to keep you dependent and compliant. Recognise that this is a reflection of their cruelty, not your worth. Work on healing your insecurities with a therapist so you’re less susceptible to these attacks.
3. Playing the victim and reframing blame
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are allergic to accountability. No matter how egregious their offences, they’ll always find a way to paint themselves as the real victim. They’re masters at reframing conflicts to make it seem like you’re the unreasonable one. They’ll twist your valid complaints into “attacks” and “cruelty” on your part. Don’t fall for it. Firmly insist on focusing on their concrete actions, not their distorted interpretations. Refuse to let them flip the script.
4. Exploiting your empathy and conscientiousness
Source: Unsplash If you’re a caring, conscientious person, narcissists will exploit those beautiful qualities mercilessly. They’ll play up their sob stories, exaggerate their hardships, and guilt-trip you into overextending yourself. They capitalise on your reluctance to “be mean” by insisting you’re cold-hearted unless you sacrifice your needs for theirs. Set firm boundaries and refuse to let your compassion be weaponised. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s survival.
5. Using intermittent reinforcement and hot/cold tactics
One day, they’re showering you with love and attention, the next they’re brutally aloof and withholding — welcome to the narcissist’s cycle of intermittent reinforcement. They deliberately dole out affection sporadically, keeping you desperate and off-balance. The hot/cold switch-up keeps you fixated on winning back their approval and walking on eggshells. It’s emotional crack and guaranteed to destroy your self-worth. Go cold turkey and refuse to play this sick game.
6. Deploying guilt trips and emotional blackmail
Narcissists wield guilt like a sledgehammer. They’ll dramatically bemoan how you “never support them” or “always let them down” every time you prioritise your own needs. They’ll ascribe terrible motives to your reasonable boundaries and make dire predictions about how you’ll regret not capitulating to their whims. This emotional blackmail is designed to exploit your conscientiousness. See it for the manipulation tactic it is and stand firm. You’re not responsible for their feelings.
7. Engaging in projection and hypocrisy
Narcissists love to accuse you of the very things they’re guilty of. If they’re lying, they’ll harp on your dishonesty. If they fly off the handle, they’ll rant about your temper. This projection serves to keep you defensive and doubting yourself. It’s also staggeringly hypocritical — they’ll lambast you for “selfishness” while demanding you revolve your life around their needs. Call out projection directly and refuse to be derailed by their blatant double standards.
8. Deliberately moving the goalposts
Narcissists are forever shifting the criteria for what constitutes a “good partner” or a “real friend.” They’ll demand increasingly unreasonable “tests of loyalty,” then accuse you of falling short, no matter how much you twist yourself into knots trying to meet the mark. It’s a deliberate set-up for failure, designed to make sure you’re always inadequate and striving for their approval. Recognise the rigged game and refuse to play. You’ll never win, so stop chasing the carrot.
9. Strategically withholding information
Narcissists love to keep you in the dark and feed you information on a need-to-know basis. They’ll dole out crucial facts in maddeningly incomplete snippets, forcing you to always be scrambling to connect the dots. This puts you at a constant disadvantage, ensuring you never have the full picture to make informed choices. Insist on transparency from the get-go, and refuse to make important decisions without all the relevant details. Knowledge is power — demand it.
10. Using triangulation to instill insecurity
Narcissists delight in pitting people against each other. They’ll casually mention how their ex never questioned them like you do, or how your mate is so much more “fun and carefree.” These comparisons are designed to make you feel “less than” and paranoid about your place in their life. It’s a tactic to keep you vying for their favour and approval. Refuse to play this jealousy game and call out triangulation head-on. You’re not competing for scraps of their affection.
11. Using rage or the “silent treatment” to punish you
For narcissists, any disagreement warrants swift and disproportionate “punishment.” They’ll explode in narcissistic rage at the slightest pushback, ranting about your “disrespect” and rattling off lists of your failings. Or they’ll default to icy, smug silence, shutting you out completely until you cave and capitulate. Both are emotional manipulation tactics designed to make defying them feel intolerable. Refuse to be controlled by their petulant tantrums or freeze-outs.
12. Belittling your perspective and reactions
Narcissists cannot tolerate you having an independent viewpoint or emotional responses that they don’t sanction. They’ll dismiss your concerns as “drama,” insist you’re overreacting to their outrageous conduct, and treat your feelings as inconvenient and irrational. This is rank invalidation used to pressure you into suppressing your instincts and going along to get along. Your perspective matters — don’t let their cheap shot dismissals make you doubt what you know.
13. Casting you as “crazy” or “unstable”
When narcissists’ ugly conduct pushes you to the edge, they’ll point to your justified reactions as proof that you’re the “crazy” one. They’ll tell anyone who’ll listen that you’re unhinged, oversensitive, jealous, or unstable. This tactic paints them as the much-suffering victim and ensures other people won’t take your side. Don’t let them reframe this narrative. Focus on their pattern of provocation and refuse to let them shift the spotlight to your responses.
14. Defining unilateral relationship rules
In the narcissists’ rule book, there’s one set of generous, lenient standards for them and another set of rigid, unforgiving requirements for you. They’ll defend their own shoddy conduct as justified, but call yours unforgivable for far lesser offences. They’ll insist you’re not allowed to question them or have “silly hangups,” while having a mile-long list of hoops for you to jump through. Reject this staggering hypocrisy and double standards. Demand equal rules and accountability.
15. Controlling through excessive monitoring
Narcissists have an insatiable need to control your every move. They’ll demand exhaustive explanations of your whereabouts and obsessively check your phone for “incriminating” contacts. They’ll cast any bit of privacy as proof you’re up to no good and insist, “If you’ve got nothing to hide, you should let me look.” This behaviour isn’t about love, it’s about surveillance. Insist on your right to privacy and autonomy — anyone who can’t respect that doesn’t deserve access to you.
