Growing up with a controlling family can shape you in ways you might not even realize. It’s not just about the obvious stuff, like being told what to wear or who to date. It’s the subtle, insidious ways that control seeps into your psyche and affects every aspect of your life. Here are 15 ways a controlling family can shape you, even if you don’t see it happening.
1. You second-guess yourself constantly.
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Imagine growing up in a house where your every move is questioned, where you’re always told you’re wrong. It’s no wonder you start to doubt yourself. You lose touch with your own instincts and start looking to others for validation. Jennifer Guttman, a clinical psychologist based in New York City and Westport, CT and author of “A Path to Sustainable Life Satisfaction,” tells NBC News that reminding yourself that there’s often no definitive right or wrong answer can help you stop second-guessing yourself.
2. You have trouble setting boundaries.
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In a controlling family, personal space is a foreign concept. You grow up thinking it’s normal for people to invade your privacy, to tell you what to do and how to feel. It’s no surprise that you struggle to set healthy boundaries as an adult.
3. You’re a people-pleaser.
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When love is conditional, you learn to jump through hoops to earn it. You become a master at anticipating others’ needs, at morphing yourself to fit their expectations. It’s exhausting, but it’s the only way you know how to be loved.
4. You have a hard time trusting yourself.
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When you’re constantly told your perceptions are wrong, it’s hard to trust your own mind. You start to doubt your memories, your feelings, your gut instincts. You look to others to tell you what’s real because you don’t feel like you can rely on yourself.
5. You’re afraid of making mistakes.
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In a controlling family, perfection is the goal. Anything less is unacceptable. So you learn to play it safe, to avoid taking risks or trying new things. The fear of failure is always lurking, holding you back from growth and adventure.
6. Expressing yourself is a minefield.
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When your voice is constantly silenced or dismissed, you learn to keep your thoughts and feelings bottled up. You bite your tongue, you swallow your words, you paint on a smile. Authentic self-expression feels dangerous because you’ve learned it’s not safe to be yourself. As Verywell Mind points out, this is dangerous and can harm you in the long run.
7. You struggle with decision-making.
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When you’re used to someone else calling the shots, making decisions for yourself can feel overwhelming. You second-guess yourself, you agonize over every choice, you worry about making the “wrong” move. You have a hard time trusting your own judgment and taking responsibility for your own life. Decision-making feels like a minefield because you’re afraid of the consequences of getting it “wrong.”
8. True intimacy feels terrifying.
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Being truly seen and accepted for who you are is a foreign concept in a controlling family. You learn to keep people at a distance, to hide the parts of yourself that might be deemed unlovable. Letting someone in feels like a risk you can’t afford to take.
9. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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In a controlling family, there’s often a sense of walking on eggshells, of never knowing when the next blow-up or punishment will come. So you learn to be hypervigilant, always scanning for signs of trouble. You have a hard time relaxing or letting your guard down because you’re always bracing for the worst. Even when things are calm, you can’t fully trust it.
10. Authority figures are extremely triggering.
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When you’ve been controlled and belittled by the people who were supposed to protect you, anyone in a position of power can feel like a threat. You might find yourself rebelling against authority, or shrinking in the face of it. Either way, it’s a reminder of the powerlessness you’ve felt for so long.
11. Perfect is never good enough.
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In a controlling family, there’s often an unspoken expectation of perfection. You’re supposed to be the perfect student, the perfect child, the perfect employee. So you internalize those expectations and put incredible pressure on yourself to be flawless. You have a hard time accepting your own humanity, your own limitations. You beat yourself up for every mistake or shortcoming because you’ve learned that imperfection is unacceptable.
12. You have a hard time with change.
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When your whole life has been dictated by someone else’s rules and expectations, change can feel like a threat. Even positive changes, like a new job or relationship, can be scary. You might find yourself clinging to the familiar, even when it’s not serving you anymore.
13. You struggle with self-esteem.
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When you’re constantly criticized, controlled, or invalidated, it takes a toll on your self-esteem. You start to believe the negative messages you’ve been fed about yourself — that you’re not good enough, that you’re unlovable, that you’re a burden. You have a hard time seeing your own worth and value because you’ve been taught to doubt and diminish yourself.
14. Conflict feels terrifying.
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In a controlling family, conflict is often handled in unhealthy ways — with aggression, manipulation, or avoidance. So you learn to fear conflict, to see it as a threat to your safety or stability. You might avoid confrontation at all costs, even when it’s necessary for your own well-being. Or you might lash out in ways that escalate the conflict because you don’t know how to communicate effectively.
15. You’re resilient as hell.
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Here’s the thing about growing up with a controlling family: it’s not all bad. Yes, it shapes you in ways that can be difficult and painful. But it also makes you incredibly strong and resilient. You learn how to survive, how to adapt, how to find your own way in the world. You develop a deep inner strength that can’t be taken away from you. And that resilience will serve you well, as you learn to break free from the patterns of control and create a life that’s truly your own.
