One of the most confusing and painful parts of dealing with a narcissist is how charming they can seem at first—and how slowly, almost sneakily, they start making you feel smaller.
The devaluation process that’s so common with narcissists is often so subtle that you don’t even realise it’s happening. It’s death by a thousand cuts, as the saying goes, and it can leave you doubting your judgement and worth, not to mention wondering how things got so twisted. If you’ve ever felt your confidence tanking without quite knowing why, here are just some of the ways a narcissist might try to gnaw away at you.
1. They start making subtle jokes at your expense.
At first, it might seem harmless, like little digs framed as “just kidding” or “you’re too sensitive.” However, underneath the humour, there’s a sting that’s hard to ignore, and it’s never really about being funny. Narcissists often use humour as a cover for criticism, sliding jabs in under the radar so they can deny it later if you call them out.
If you object or show hurt, they’ll accuse you of overreacting or being unable to take a joke, making it even harder for you to trust your instincts about what’s actually happening. Over time, these “jokes” start leaving real marks on your confidence, even if you can’t always explain why.
2. They compare you to other people, and never in a nice way.
Maybe it’s an ex, a coworker, a friend’s spouse, or even a complete stranger. Whoever it is, the comparison isn’t meant to motivate or inspire; it’s meant to eat away at your sense of being enough. They plant subtle seeds of doubt about how you stack up without having to say anything directly cruel.
After a while, these comparisons create a silent competition you didn’t ask to be part of, and one you’re never allowed to win. You start feeling like you’re perpetually falling short, even when you’re doing everything you can to meet impossible, changing standards.
3. They withdraw affection without warning.
One minute you’re close, connected, and everything feels normal. The next, they’ve gone cold without any explanation, leaving you scrambling to figure out what you did wrong. That sudden emotional shutdown is a calculated move to make you chase their approval.
The hot-and-cold pattern keeps you on edge and focused on earning back their affection rather than questioning the bigger picture. It turns love into a prize you’re desperate to win, instead of something you’re simply given because you’re worthy of it.
4. They act bored or dismissive when you talk.
When you share something you’re excited about or open up about your day, and you’re met with yawns, blank stares, or distracted scrolling, it sends a very clear message: you’re not important enough to hold their attention.
Narcissists use boredom and dismissal as tools to shrink your sense of self-worth. After enough of these interactions, you might start second-guessing whether you have anything interesting to say at all—exactly the self-doubt they want to cultivate.
5. They make your achievements seem like no big deal.
Instead of celebrating your wins, they brush them off, suggesting they’re not impressive, or that “anyone could have done that.” It’s never about recognising your growth or success; it’s about making sure you don’t get too confident without their permission.
By constantly moving the goalposts, they ensure that no matter what you accomplish, it never quite feels like enough. They want you stuck in a loop of striving for validation that they have no real intention of giving.
6. They twist your words when you stand up for yourself.
When you finally muster the courage to set a boundary or say something hurt hurtful, they’ll twist your words until you’re questioning your own intentions. Suddenly, you’re the one who’s cruel, dramatic, or irrational, even when you were just trying to advocate for yourself.
This tactic keeps you permanently on the defensive. Instead of feeling empowered to protect your needs, you’re too busy apologising or doubting your memory, giving them even more control over the narrative and your emotional reality.
7. They subtly take credit for your ideas or successes.
Whether it’s in a work meeting, social setting, or even a private conversation, narcissists find ways to link your accomplishments back to themselves. They might hint that they advised you, inspired you, or somehow made your success possible.
It’s an insidious way of stealing the spotlight and ensuring that even your proudest moments don’t fully belong to you. Over time, you might start feeling invisible, like no matter what you achieve, it always somehow ends up being about them.
8. They create small “rules” you’re expected to follow.
Without ever clearly stating them, narcissists set up invisible expectations about how you should behave, speak, dress, or spend your time. And when you inevitably fail to meet one, you’re met with disapproval, irritation, or withdrawal.
This keeps you constantly guessing and self-correcting, chipping away at your confidence. The goal is never to help you grow; it’s to keep you slightly anxious and desperate for their approval, always working harder to please but never feeling secure.
9. They withhold compliments on purpose.
No matter how much effort you put in, how good you look, or how well you do, genuine praise is suspiciously absent. At best, you’ll get a half-hearted “Not bad” or a backhanded compliment that leaves you feeling even more unsettled.
By starving you of positive reinforcement, they create a dynamic where you’re constantly chasing validation. When they finally toss you a crumb of approval, it feels disproportionately meaningful, strengthening their hold over your emotional health without you even realising it.
10. They act charming around other people, but critical with you.
In public, the narcissist can be all smiles and affection, showering you with attention that makes people think you’re lucky to have them. However, behind closed doors, the tone shifts dramatically into criticism, coldness, or contempt.
The split keeps you isolated and confused. If you try to express your hurt, it’s hard for anyone to believe you because they only see the charming version. It deepens the loneliness and makes you question whether you’re the problem—exactly as they intend.
11. They subtly imply you’re too sensitive or emotional.
If you react to something genuinely hurtful, the narcissist frames it as a flaw in you. You’re “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” or “can’t take a joke.” The real issue—their hurtful behaviour—gets buried under accusations about your reactions.
As time goes on, their gaslighting destroys your trust in your own emotions. You start second-guessing what you feel, wondering if you really are “too much,” when in reality, you’re simply responding to disrespect with normal, healthy emotions.
12. They bring up your insecurities at the worst moments.
When you’re feeling good about yourself or vulnerable after opening up, they’ll strike, dropping a comment that hits a soft spot you thought was safe. It’s not accidental; it’s timed for maximum emotional impact.
By keeping you off-balance and unsure of yourself, they maintain control. You’re less likely to feel confident enough to set boundaries or demand better treatment when you’re constantly nursing tiny emotional bruises they deliberately cause.
13. They act like they’re doing you a favour by staying.
In subtle or not-so-subtle ways, the narcissist will imply that you’re lucky they put up with you. They might hint that they could have someone “better” or suggest that your flaws are somehow harder to tolerate than you realise.
This form of emotional blackmail keeps you tied to the relationship out of guilt or fear of losing them, even when the relationship itself is making you deeply unhappy. It’s a manipulation designed to make you grateful for the very person draining you.
14. They make everything a competition you’re destined to lose.
Rather than celebrating your growth, a narcissist sees it as a threat. Your wins feel like losses to them, so they turn everything into a competition of who’s smarter, busier, more successful, more admired. No matter what you do, you’ll always be positioned as the runner-up. The relentless one-upmanship eats away at your sense of partnership, making it feel like you’re constantly battling for space, respect, and even basic recognition.
15. They create chaos so you’re too exhausted to fight back.
Arguments out of nowhere, sudden mood swings, changing expectations—chaos isn’t accidental in a relationship with a narcissist. It’s deliberate. If you’re always busy managing drama or trying to make sense of contradictions, you don’t have the energy to step back and see the patterns clearly.
Emotional exhaustion is a powerful tool of control. It keeps you too drained to advocate for yourself, to leave, or even to fully name what’s happening. The longer you stay in survival mode, the harder it becomes to imagine a life beyond the chaos they’ve built around you.
