We all want love, but chasing it aggressively — especially when it’s not love at all but something masquerading as it — will only end up hurting you in the end. Here’s how to break the cycle once and for all and start to give yourself the love you’re so clearly craving.
1. Identify and acknowledge what’s really going on.
Source: Unsplash You can’t change something you’re not even aware of — research has proven that time and time again. If you always find yourself falling for people who are unavailable (whether emotionally or otherwise), or resort to people-pleasing in an attempt to win over the person you fancy, that’s a problem. Recognising these harmful patterns will help you identify the real issues behind them so you can then start to overhaul your behaviour.
2. Figure out what needs you have that are continually going unmet.
Source: Unsplash We tend to chase love because we’re desperate to fill an inner void. So, maybe you look for external validation, attention, or a sense of belonging because you’re trying to heal old wounds or avoid being lonely or insecure. Obviously, a relationship can’t fix all of that (even if it seems like it might). Figure out what it is you need in a strong, healthy partnership and what you really want from love. Once you know the answer to those questions, you can figure out how to meet those needs in a more balanced way.
3. Challenge your beliefs about love and relationships.
Source: Unsplash Lots of people have limiting beliefs about love based on past experiences, societal expectations, or cultural conditioning. Maybe you truly feel like you’re not worthy of love, that real love doesn’t exist, or that you need to change something (or everything) about yourself to find it. Not only are those things untrue, but believing them can actually sabotage your relationships and perpetuate that cycle of chasing. Dig a bit deeper into why you hold the beliefs you do about love and then challenge them, Mark Manson suggests, so that you can see some meaningful change.
4. Focus on self-love and self-acceptance.
Source: Unsplash You’ll never break the cycle of chasing if you don’t love yourself (cue RuPaul’s classic catchphrase). When you love and accept yourself unconditionally, you stop seeking validation from other people. That’s because you recognize your own worth and value, and as a result, you end up attracting partners who love who you are, not who you pretend to be. You have to start accepting your flaws and even loving yourself because of them rather than in spite of them. If you don’t believe you deserve love, how can you expect anyone else to?
5. Set healthy boundaries.
Source: Unsplash Chasing love often involves compromising your own needs and boundaries to make everyone else happy, and that’s silly. You probably say “yes” a lot more often than you really want to, or maybe you even put up with disrespectful behaviour for the sake of keeping someone around. The only way to stop this is to learn how to set healthy boundaries. This means communicating your needs clearly, not hesitating to say “no,” and not tolerating behaviour that doesn’t align with your values. Remember, your boundaries are a form of self-respect, and they’ll help protect you from people with less than noble intentions.
6. Invest in your own happiness and well-being.
Source: Unsplash When you’re so busy chasing love, chances are, your happiness is on the back burner. You convince yourself that you’ll feel some kind of unbridled joy once you find “The One,” but that’s not actually the case. As cliche as it sounds, happiness really is an inside job, and it’s not something anyone else can magically give you. You have to cultivate it separate from any outside relationship. How you do it is up to you — find something you’re passionate about, spend time with your family and friends, look after yourself physically and mentally — you get the picture.
7. Be a bit nicer to yourself.
Source: Unsplash Everyone makes mistakes in relationships (and in life), and it’s tempting to beat yourself up for your failures. And while it’s important to recognize where you’ve gone wrong and do better in the future, constant self-criticism only keeps you trapped and perpetuates the chasing cycle. Be nice to yourself instead. Acknowledge that you messed up, learn from it, forgive yourself, and move on. Treat yourself the way you’d treat your best friend.
8. Be patient and trust the process.
Source: Unsplash Breaking the cycle of chasing love takes time and effort, and there are guaranteed to be plenty of challenges and setbacks along the way. Cut yourself some slack, be patient, and trust that you’re on the right path. When you get particularly frustrated, talk to someone you can support — a family member, friend, or even a therapist will be glad to act as a sounding board and offer a bit of advice if you want/need it. Keep moving forward — you’ll get there.
9. Let go of the need to control.
Source: Unsplash Chasing love often stems from a desire to control the outcome of relationships. We try to manipulate situations, people, and even ourselves to fit a certain ideal, but doing this is exhausting and ultimately pointless. You have to learn to go with the flow and let relationships play out naturally. Trust that the right person will appreciate you for who you are, without you having to bend over backwards to please them. Remember, love isn’t about control; it’s about acceptance, trust, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
10. Embrace vulnerability and authenticity.
Source: Unsplash Chasing love often involves putting on a facade, trying to be someone you’re definitely not to win a partner over. Of course, this is unsustainable and ultimately self-defeating, which is all the more reason to embrace your true self. Don’t be afraid to show your flaws, your quirks, and your imperfections. The right person will love you for all of it, not just the parts you present to the world. These days more than ever, authenticity is magnetic, and it attracts people who genuinely appreciate you for who you are.
11. Focus on building real connections.
Source: Unsplash Instead of chasing after love, focus on bonding with people who share your passions, values, and goals in life. Invest your time and energy in friendships and hobbies that make you truly happy. When you surround yourself with positive and supportive people, you create a foundation for healthy and fulfilling relationships. This doesn’t mean giving up on love; it simply means shifting your focus from the outcome to the process. Weirdly enough, when you do this, that love you spent so much time chasing comes naturally.
12. Learn to enjoy your own company.
Source: Unsplash One of the biggest misconceptions about love is that we need someone else to complete us. In reality, we’re already whole, and we’re capable of finding happiness and fulfilment on our own. Learn to enjoy your own company. Spend time doing things you love, whether it’s reading, writing, exploring nature, or even just lounging on the sofa watching “Love Island.” When you’re comfortable in your own skin and enjoy spending time alone, you become less dependent on other people for your happiness and more open to healthy, balanced relationships.
13. Redefine your expectations of love.
Source: Unsplash Many of us (women especially) have unrealistic expectations of love, fuelled by rom-coms, fairy tales, and society at large. We expect love to be effortless, magical, and all-consuming, but real love is messy, complex, and takes a lot of effort from both partners. It’s important to develop a more realistic picture of love, and that means accepting that love is not always perfect, that there will be ups and downs, and that healthy relationships require work and communication.
14. Date intentionally and mindfully.
Source: Unsplash If you choose to date, do it with intention. Instead of jumping into relationships out of desperation or loneliness, take the time to get to know someone before committing. Look for partners who share your values, respect your boundaries, and make you feel good about yourself. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Remember, dating should be fun and exciting, not stressful or anxiety-inducing. Approach it with a sense of curiosity and openness, and don’t be afraid to walk away if it doesn’t feel right.
15. Celebrate your freedom and independence.
Being single is not a curse; it’s an opportunity for self-discovery, growth, and adventure. Embrace your freedom and independence. Travel, pursue your passions, focus on your career, or simply enjoy the peace and solitude of your own company. Don’t let societal pressure or internalized beliefs make you feel like you need to be in a relationship to be happy or successful. Remember, your worth is not defined by your relationship status. You are complete and whole on your own, and you deserve to be celebrated.
