Real friendships should be able to handle tough conversations.
However, when a friend says or does something racist, it can be hard to know how to call them out without the whole friendship falling apart. Ignoring it doesn’t sit right, but coming in too aggressively might just make them defensive and unwilling to reflect on their own biases. The goal isn’t to win an argument here; it’s to get them to actually think. If you want to address the issue without completely wrecking the friendship, here’s how to handle it.
1. Start by checking your own emotions first.
Hearing a friend say something racist can trigger all kinds of emotions — anger, frustration, disappointment, the lot. But before confronting them, it helps to take a moment to check in with yourself and decide how you want to approach it. If you go in with pure rage, the conversation is more likely to turn into a fight rather than a learning moment. That doesn’t mean you have to soften the message, but keeping your cool gives you a better chance of getting through to them.
2. Pick the right moment for the conversation.
Calling someone out in a heated group discussion or public setting can make them feel embarrassed, which usually leads to defensiveness rather than reflection. If possible, bringing it up one-on-one can make the conversation more productive. When people don’t feel like they’re being attacked or shamed in front of others, they’re more likely to actually listen. A private chat lets you get your point across without making it feel like a social takedown.
3. Be clear about what they said or did.
Vague accusations like “You’re being racist” can make people shut down instead of engaging. Instead, be specific. Point out exactly what they said or did and why it was problematic. For example, instead of saying, “You’re racist,” you could say, “That joke you made about [group] was actually based on a stereotype, and here’s why that’s an issue.” Keeping it direct but factual helps prevent them from dismissing it as a personal attack.
4. Make it about impact, not just intent.
One of the biggest ways people defend racist behaviour is by saying, “That wasn’t my intention.” They assume that because they didn’t mean any harm, they’re off the hook. The best way to respond is to focus on impact. You can say something like, “I get that you didn’t mean it that way, but here’s how it comes across.” Flipping the focus away from their intentions and onto the effect of their words makes it harder for them to brush it off.
5. Use questions to get them thinking.
Instead of just stating why something is racist, sometimes asking questions can be more effective. When people have to explain their own views, they often realise how shaky they are. Try asking, “What do you mean by that?” or “Where did you hear that from?” Often, they’ll struggle to justify their words without exposing the bias behind them. It gives them a chance to reconsider without feeling like they’re being lectured.
6. Avoid making it a personal attack.
People are more likely to listen if they don’t feel like they’re being labelled as a bad person. Saying “That sounded racist” is a lot easier for someone to take in than “You are a racist.” It’s a small but important difference. It gives them space to change their behaviour without feeling like they’re being permanently written off as someone awful.
7. Share your own experiences or perspectives.
Sometimes, people don’t realise the weight of what they’re saying because they’ve never had to think about it. If you have a personal story or example that connects to the issue, sharing it can make the conversation more real for them. For instance, if they make a joke about a stereotype, explaining how those kinds of jokes have affected real people you know can make it hit differently. It changes things from an abstract debate to something that actually impacts lives.
8. Recognise when it’s ignorance versus actual malice.
Some people say racist things out of ignorance, while others do it because they genuinely believe in those ideas. If it’s ignorance, there’s a better chance of them listening and learning. If it’s outright racism, that’s a bigger issue. If someone repeatedly shows they don’t respect other cultures, dismisses any attempt at discussion, or doubles down on harmful views, it’s worth asking whether this is someone you really want in your life.
9. Call out patterns, not just one-off comments.
If your friend has a habit of making racist comments or jokes, addressing the pattern rather than just one instance can be more effective. Otherwise, they might write off the conversation as just one bad moment. Something like, “I’ve noticed you make a lot of comments like this — why is that?” can be more powerful than just reacting to one joke. It forces them to reflect on whether this is a deeper issue in their thinking.
10. Be prepared for defensiveness.
Even when you approach the conversation the right way, some people will still react defensively. They might say you’re being “too sensitive,” claim it was “just a joke,” or even get angry at you for bringing it up. Don’t let their reaction derail the point. Stay calm and stand by what you’re saying. If they refuse to listen, that’s their choice, but at least you know you did your part by speaking up.
11. Give them a chance to reflect and learn.
Sometimes, people need time to process things before they actually change. If they seem open to listening but not quite ready to admit they were wrong, don’t expect an instant transformation. Recommending books, articles, or documentaries can be a way to keep the conversation going without making it all on you. Learning takes time, and if they’re genuinely willing to grow, that’s a good sign.
12. Set boundaries if they refuse to change.
If someone refuses to listen, dismisses your concerns, or continues making racist remarks, you have every right to decide how much space they get in your life. You don’t have to tolerate behaviour that goes against your values. Setting boundaries doesn’t always mean cutting them off completely. It might just mean avoiding certain topics with them or spending less time together. But if they continuously show that they don’t respect people from other backgrounds, it’s okay to walk away.
13. Understand that not every friendship is worth saving.
Sometimes, people genuinely grow and change when called out. Other times, they dig their heels in and refuse to see the problem. If a friend reacts badly every time you try to have an honest discussion, it’s worth asking whether this friendship is built on shared values. You can’t force someone to change, and it’s not your job to educate someone who doesn’t want to learn. At the end of the day, keeping a friendship at the cost of your own integrity isn’t worth it.
14. Know that speaking up is always the right thing to do.
Even if the conversation is awkward, even if they don’t respond well, even if it causes tension — saying something is always better than staying silent. Racism continues when people let it slide, and calling it out, even in small ways, makes a difference. You don’t have to have the perfect words or the perfect approach every time. What matters is that you stand by your values and challenge harmful thinking when you see it. That alone makes an impact.
