How To Call Someone Out On Their Bad Behaviour

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We all know that feeling when someone’s behaviour crosses the line, leaving a bad taste in our mouths.

Maybe it’s a friend’s insensitive joke, a colleague’s passive-aggressive comment, or a family member’s disrespectful remark. It’s a tricky situation – you don’t want to let it slide, but you also don’t want to start a huge fight. So, how do you call someone out on their bad behaviour without causing World War III? Here are some tips to help you navigate those uncomfortable conversations with grace and tact.

1. Choose the right time and place.

Don’t ambush them in the middle of a crowded party or when they’re already stressed out. Find a private, quiet moment where you can both talk without distractions. This allows for a more open and honest conversation, where they’re less likely to feel defensive or attacked.

2. Focus on their actions, not their character.

Don’t attack them personally; focus on the specific behaviour that upset you. Instead of saying, “You’re so rude,” try, “When you said that comment about my outfit, it made me feel uncomfortable.” This way, you’re addressing the issue without making it a personal attack.

3. Use “I” statements to express your feelings.

Instead of saying, “You always interrupt me,” try, “I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted because it makes me feel like my thoughts aren’t valued.” This approach focuses on how their behaviour affects you, rather than accusing them of being a bad person.

4. Be specific and direct.

Don’t beat around the bush. Clearly state what they did that bothered you and how it made you feel. Avoid vague generalizations like, “You’re always so negative.” Instead, say, “When you said that negative comment about my project, it really discouraged me.” The more specific you are, the easier it is for them to understand and address the issue.

5. Avoid judgmental language.

Name-calling, insults, or accusations will only put them on the defensive. Instead, use neutral language that focuses on the way they act itself. For example, instead of saying, “You’re being a jerk,” try, “That comment came across as insensitive.” This approach is more likely to lead to a productive conversation.

6. Offer a solution or alternative behaviour.

Don’t just point out the problem; offer a way forward. For example, instead of saying, “You always complain,” try, “I know you’re stressed, but instead of complaining, maybe we can brainstorm solutions together.” This approach shows that you’re not just criticizing them, but also trying to help them improve.

7. Be prepared for defensiveness.

It’s natural for people to get defensive when they’re being called out. Be prepared for them to deny, deflect, or make excuses. Stay calm and reiterate your points clearly and calmly. Remember, your goal is not to win an argument, but to communicate your feelings and encourage a change in behaviour.

8. Don’t expect them to change overnight.

Changing the way you act takes time and effort. Don’t expect them to transform instantly. Be patient, consistent, and continue to communicate your expectations clearly. If they’re genuinely remorseful and willing to change, they’ll put in the effort to do so.

9. Set clear consequences.

If their behaviour continues despite your attempts to address it, it might be necessary to set clear consequences. This could mean taking a break from the relationship, limiting contact, or even ending the relationship altogether. It’s important to protect your well-being and not allow yourself to be repeatedly disrespected or mistreated.

10. Don’t get dragged into an argument.

Some people thrive on drama and conflict, and they might try to bait you into an argument. Don’t take the bait. Stay calm, stick to your points, and refuse to engage in a shouting match. If the conversation becomes unproductive or disrespectful, it’s okay to walk away.

11. Focus on your own well-being.

Calling someone out on their bad behaviour can be emotionally draining. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself and prioritizing your own well-being. This might mean talking to a trusted friend or family member, practising self-care activities, or seeking professional help if needed.

12. Forgive, but don’t forget.

If the person apologizes and makes a genuine effort to change their behaviour, it’s important to forgive them. Holding on to anger and resentment will only hurt you in the long run. However, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It’s important to remember their past behaviour so you can set healthy boundaries and protect yourself in the future.

13. Know when to walk away.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, some people are simply unwilling or unable to change their behaviour. If you find yourself constantly being hurt, disrespected, or mistreated, it might be time to walk away from the relationship. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is remove yourself from a toxic situation.

14. Seek support from others.

Dealing with difficult people can be challenging, and it’s important to have a support system in place. Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about what you’re going through. Their support and guidance can help you navigate the situation and make healthy choices for yourself.

15. Remember your worth.

You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than or question your value. Remember your worth and surround yourself with people who lift you up and appreciate you for who you are.

16. Practice self-compassion.

colleagues chatting in an open-plan office — Unsplash

Calling someone out on their bad behaviour can be difficult and emotionally draining. Be kind to yourself throughout the process. Remember, you’re doing the best you can, and you deserve to be treated with respect. Don’t beat yourself up if things don’t go perfectly or if the person doesn’t immediately change. Focus on taking care of yourself and setting healthy boundaries.