How To Deal With A Mother's Constant Criticism

David Pereiras

We all love our mums, but let’s be real, sometimes their well-intentioned advice can feel a bit like constant criticism.

It’s tough when the person who raised you seems to always find fault in your choices or decisions. But hey, it’s not the end of the world! There are healthy ways to navigate this tricky situation and maintain a loving relationship with your mum while protecting your own well-being.

1. Acknowledge your own feelings and reactions.

Before addressing your mum’s criticism, take a moment to tune in to your own emotions. Do her comments make you feel hurt, angry, or defensive? Recognising and accepting your feelings is the first step towards dealing with them in a healthy way. Remember, it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling – your emotions are valid.

2. Try to understand your mum’s perspective.

While her delivery might not be ideal, your mum’s intentions are probably good. She might be coming from a place of love and concern, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Try to put yourself in her shoes and understand why she’s offering her opinions. Does she have a specific fear or worry? Is she projecting her own insecurities onto you? Understanding her perspective can help you respond with empathy and compassion.

3. Choose the right time and place to talk.

Don’t try to have a serious conversation about your mum’s criticism when you’re both stressed, tired, or in a public setting. Instead, pick a time when you can both be calm and focused. Maybe suggest going for a walk together, having a cup of tea at home, or scheduling a dedicated time to talk without distractions.

4. Communicate your feelings clearly and calmly.

Use “I” statements to express how your mum’s criticism makes you feel. For example, instead of saying “You always criticise me,” you could say “I feel hurt when you criticise my choices.” Be specific about the behaviours or comments that bother you, and avoid accusing or blaming language. Remember, the goal is to have an open and honest conversation, not to start an argument.

5. Set clear boundaries and stick to them.

You have the right to set boundaries with your mum, just as you would with anyone else. If her criticism is becoming overwhelming, let her know that you appreciate her concern but need some space. You could say something like, “Mum, I love you, but I need you to trust my decisions. I’d prefer it if you didn’t offer unsolicited advice about my life choices.” If she continues to cross your boundaries, don’t be afraid to gently remind her of them.

6. Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.

It’s easy to get caught up in the negative aspects of your mother’s behaviour, but try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship as well. Remember the good times you’ve shared, the things you love about her, and the ways she’s supported you in the past. Focusing on the positive can help you maintain a loving connection despite the challenges.

7. Get support elsewhere.

Talking to friends, family members, or a therapist can be incredibly helpful when dealing with a critical mother. They can offer a listening ear, provide validation for your feelings, and offer advice and support. It’s important to have a support system in place to help you navigate this difficult situation.

8. Don’t take it personally.

As hard as it may be, try not to take your mother’s criticism personally. It’s often more of a reflection of her own insecurities, fears, or anxieties than it is about you. Remember, you are not responsible for her happiness or her opinions. Focus on your own well-being and surround yourself with people who lift you up and support you.

9. Consider where the criticism is coming from.

Is your mother’s criticism rooted in cultural expectations, generational differences, or her own personal experiences? Understanding the underlying reasons for her comments can help you contextualise them and respond accordingly. For example, if her criticism stems from a cultural norm you don’t subscribe to, you can explain your differing perspective and values.

10. Redirect the conversation to a more positive topic.

If your mum starts to criticise you, try to steer the conversation gently towards a more positive topic. Ask her about her day, share a funny story, or bring up a shared interest. Shifting the focus can help defuse tension and create a more pleasant atmosphere.

11. Limit your exposure to the criticism.

If your mum’s criticism is becoming overwhelming, it’s okay to limit your interactions with her, especially if you’ve tried communicating your feelings and setting boundaries unsuccessfully. You don’t have to cut her out of your life completely, but you can choose to spend less time with her or avoid topics that trigger her criticism.

12. Don’t feel obligated to defend yourself or your choices.

Remember, you don’t owe your mother an explanation for every decision you make. You’re an adult, and you have the right to live your life the way you want to. If she criticises your choices, you don’t have to justify them or defend yourself. A simple “I understand your concerns, but this is what I’ve decided” can suffice.

13. Practice self-care and prioritise your well-being.

Dealing with constant criticism can be emotionally draining. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself by prioritising sleep, exercise, healthy eating, and activities that bring you joy. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people who lift you up and make you feel good about yourself.

14. Consider family therapy or counselling.

If your relationship with your mum is causing you significant distress, consider getting professional help. Family therapy or individual counselling can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, improve communication, and develop strategies for dealing with criticism in a healthy way.

15. Remember, you can’t change your mother, but you can change how you react.

At the end of the day, you can’t force your mother to change her behaviour. But you can change how you react to her criticism. By setting boundaries, communicating your feelings, and putting yourself first, you can protect yourself from the negative effects of her comments and maintain a loving relationship with her.